Some of the posts I have read, posters have indicated that they didn't want to hear all sunshine, roses and happiness. Especially I’m sure if that isn't how you are feeling right now.
The first thing I want anyone who is suicidal to realize and many people don't because suicide has always carried a stigma with it and that is wrong. It is a real serious problem and people need to wake up, open there eyes and learn about this and maybe JUST maybe some lives can be saved!
Many people, who experience suicidal thoughts, don't want to actually kill themselves. In fact many might not realize that it is actually a chemical imbalance in the brain that causes most people to commit suicide. These chemicals send incorrect signals to your brain (and I’m not talking about drugs here), indicating that all is hopeless, lost, no one cares, life is better off without me, what is the use type thoughts.
It doesn't make one weak to ask for help. In fact you can do so without family, friends or loved ones even knowing if you so choose to do this. Even though I think the support can really get you through more of taking action and asking for help. If one has a chemical imbalance all you need to do is find the right person that can get you on the right meds. If one doesn't work, don't despair. Sometimes you have to try a few to find the right one. I know some of you might be thinking "Why do I want to be dependant on pills"? Well ask yourself this, dependant on pills or not alive to be dependant or anyone dependant upon you?
I lost my Brother in Law to Suicide 8 years ago. He was the father of 3 boys who are now Fatherless. Now let me ask you HOW are that better for those boys as well as the others who loved him. It's not. The Aftermath is this. Having to watch your sister in so much despair that she can't even move that her husband of 12 yrs is just now dead. Her having to face her kids to tell them that there dad died by his own hands. Me having to help these boys and fight back tears when they ask the question "I thought my dad loved us...", or "I would give up everything, this big house, the snowmobiles, the boat, the trucks, everything JUST to have my Dad back". Tell me you could fight back the tears on this one. This was coming from a 9 year old boy. His brothers just 7 and 5. They have difficulty remembering things about there dad and everyday that haunts them because regardless of what he did they Love him. I help them with memories the best I can, but that isn't the way it should be. He should be here making memories with his boys, not them trying to hang onto the ones they can remember. I mean, they were young. Many of us have trouble with memories at that age, but something ever so important as one of your parents? It just isn’t the same.
At least if you are considering to harm yourself you really should take the time to read what you would leave behind if you choose, yes I said choose not to get help. Being Suicidal one can't help, getting help though you can choose that!
I'm not writing this to make anyone feel guilty for there suicidal thoughts. I am writing this in hopes that even if just ONE person gets the help they not only need, but deserve then this time I am taking with my back killing me (epidural steroid injection in my back this morning) is completely worth it and I would do it a million times over!
Now back to the Aftermath. I was there when my Brother in Law on that fateful day of Sept 14th 1998 around 10pm. When the man who I had known my entire life and who meant so much to his family and friends decided to shoot himself in the head.
My Brother in Law called our house that night twice. First time like the normal 18 year old that I was being on the other line I just wanted to get him off the line so I could continue my conversation with my friend. He was very happy sounding asking if we had completed the roof we were working on that weekend. In fact, it was the day before that while we were on the roof he said to me I want you to know I will always be watching out for you. I just said oh ok, thanks. Wonderful response I know, but I didn't know that he was hurting inside and that the next day he would be gone.
So I hung up the phone and 30 sec. later he called again and I remember saying grrrr....it's my brother in law again hang on. I answered and this time he was very angry and told me he had a gun to his head and he was going to kill himself. He said that I better come out to his house to be with my sister and the kids because they were sitting in the cop car up the street and would need me. He told me to tell my mom, and then he yelled no I will tell her. I was in shock and honestly wasn't sure I believed him; I didn't want to believe him. I went to get my mom and she answered the phone and he had hung up. It was then I knew that he was very serious about his intent. The friend I was on the other line with happen to live literally 2 blocks from my sisters house and I told him what my brother in law just said and asked him to drive over there. A few min later he called me back saying "I'm really sorry to have to tell you this, but there are about 30 cops blocking off the entrance to your sisters street".
I immediately got in my car to drive out there. My dad of course the insensitive drunk at the time said "Oh quit your carrying on" about me leaving to go to my sisters house. As I was driving the fastest I ever had in my life to arrive to exactly as my friend had said it was.
My brother in law had locked himself in the smallest room in the house. My sister said I don't know what you are doing, but tomorrow you are going to regret it. Unknowing to the fact he was in there planning his own death. She had her youngest son (5) with her and went to take him up to his bed.
Then the phone rang. It was the police outside insisting she get her boys from bed and come out of the house. If she didn't they would come in and get her. My brother in law called the cops himself to get his family out of the house so he could proceed with his untimely death.
I saw the kids being taken out of a trailer for my other sister to take them back to her house. At one point the cops had got there 2 dogs from the side of the house kennels and put them in my car.
I walked around hearing the cop’s walkie talkies saying "We have him cornered and we are talking to him." So in my mind I wasn't thinking clearly and envisioned him in a corner being talked to. I didn't realize he was still in the house, with the gun. I found out by begging a police officer to tell me what was going on. My sister wasn't even told what was going on and didn't know until quite sometime later in the evening.
For almost 3 hours we sat and to be honest with you the longer we waited we thought that he would come out, get help and this nightmare would be soon be over. My other brother in law even said that because he had called people he was asking for help. Maybe he was, but ultimately he was still lost to us.
My brother in law called my dad, who was still at home. He was the last person to speak with him. In fact my brother in law ended up hanging up on my dad saying "The cops are coming, I have to go!" My brother in law shot two rounds into the wall and the cops then proceeded to the house.
Finally something wonderful happened.....we were told that he was coming out of the house that he was going to walk down the driveway. Hope of his survival was restored all we had to do was wait. I remember listening to the walkie talkies of the officers at the house saying "He's coming....He's coming...He's coming....” Then in a split second we heard the gunshot ring into the cold dark night and he was dead! I remember my mom running up to my car so fast that she fell onto the hood screaming he is dead, he is dead! I immediately went into a state of shock like I had never felt before. I had the overwhelming feeling that I just had to walk away, that this wasn't true this couldn't be happening right now.
Thirty Minutes later I returned and I saw my mom’s car there and an ambulance driving by, but no police blocking the road. I asked my mom if he was in there and she said no he is still back at the house. My mom wanted me to call my sister at the neighbor’s house and find out what to do with the dogs. She said I know that she will want us to take them, but I want it to be her choice. My friend at this point who actually had been with me all night was driving and I insisted, demanded even that he drive by my brother in laws house. I felt that if I just drove by the house I would wake up finally and then I would see none of this was really happening.
I was wrong, it was happening and I saw him laying in a pool of blood slanted down the driveway with 1/2 his face gone. The police had spot lights everywhere and didn't even cover his body. To this day I close my eyes and that image haunts me. My sister to saw her Husband of 12 years lying there dead as she was at the neighbors across the street.
It was the 1st time in my life that when walking up to my house I went so weak in the knees with sadness, guilt, trauma, shock, anger, despair more emotions than I could handle that I fell to my knees.
To be continued.................................................in a Part 2.
~ Pam
Suicide Survivor
[email protected]
The first thing I want anyone who is suicidal to realize and many people don't because suicide has always carried a stigma with it and that is wrong. It is a real serious problem and people need to wake up, open there eyes and learn about this and maybe JUST maybe some lives can be saved!
Many people, who experience suicidal thoughts, don't want to actually kill themselves. In fact many might not realize that it is actually a chemical imbalance in the brain that causes most people to commit suicide. These chemicals send incorrect signals to your brain (and I’m not talking about drugs here), indicating that all is hopeless, lost, no one cares, life is better off without me, what is the use type thoughts.
It doesn't make one weak to ask for help. In fact you can do so without family, friends or loved ones even knowing if you so choose to do this. Even though I think the support can really get you through more of taking action and asking for help. If one has a chemical imbalance all you need to do is find the right person that can get you on the right meds. If one doesn't work, don't despair. Sometimes you have to try a few to find the right one. I know some of you might be thinking "Why do I want to be dependant on pills"? Well ask yourself this, dependant on pills or not alive to be dependant or anyone dependant upon you?
I lost my Brother in Law to Suicide 8 years ago. He was the father of 3 boys who are now Fatherless. Now let me ask you HOW are that better for those boys as well as the others who loved him. It's not. The Aftermath is this. Having to watch your sister in so much despair that she can't even move that her husband of 12 yrs is just now dead. Her having to face her kids to tell them that there dad died by his own hands. Me having to help these boys and fight back tears when they ask the question "I thought my dad loved us...", or "I would give up everything, this big house, the snowmobiles, the boat, the trucks, everything JUST to have my Dad back". Tell me you could fight back the tears on this one. This was coming from a 9 year old boy. His brothers just 7 and 5. They have difficulty remembering things about there dad and everyday that haunts them because regardless of what he did they Love him. I help them with memories the best I can, but that isn't the way it should be. He should be here making memories with his boys, not them trying to hang onto the ones they can remember. I mean, they were young. Many of us have trouble with memories at that age, but something ever so important as one of your parents? It just isn’t the same.
At least if you are considering to harm yourself you really should take the time to read what you would leave behind if you choose, yes I said choose not to get help. Being Suicidal one can't help, getting help though you can choose that!
I'm not writing this to make anyone feel guilty for there suicidal thoughts. I am writing this in hopes that even if just ONE person gets the help they not only need, but deserve then this time I am taking with my back killing me (epidural steroid injection in my back this morning) is completely worth it and I would do it a million times over!
Now back to the Aftermath. I was there when my Brother in Law on that fateful day of Sept 14th 1998 around 10pm. When the man who I had known my entire life and who meant so much to his family and friends decided to shoot himself in the head.
My Brother in Law called our house that night twice. First time like the normal 18 year old that I was being on the other line I just wanted to get him off the line so I could continue my conversation with my friend. He was very happy sounding asking if we had completed the roof we were working on that weekend. In fact, it was the day before that while we were on the roof he said to me I want you to know I will always be watching out for you. I just said oh ok, thanks. Wonderful response I know, but I didn't know that he was hurting inside and that the next day he would be gone.
So I hung up the phone and 30 sec. later he called again and I remember saying grrrr....it's my brother in law again hang on. I answered and this time he was very angry and told me he had a gun to his head and he was going to kill himself. He said that I better come out to his house to be with my sister and the kids because they were sitting in the cop car up the street and would need me. He told me to tell my mom, and then he yelled no I will tell her. I was in shock and honestly wasn't sure I believed him; I didn't want to believe him. I went to get my mom and she answered the phone and he had hung up. It was then I knew that he was very serious about his intent. The friend I was on the other line with happen to live literally 2 blocks from my sisters house and I told him what my brother in law just said and asked him to drive over there. A few min later he called me back saying "I'm really sorry to have to tell you this, but there are about 30 cops blocking off the entrance to your sisters street".
I immediately got in my car to drive out there. My dad of course the insensitive drunk at the time said "Oh quit your carrying on" about me leaving to go to my sisters house. As I was driving the fastest I ever had in my life to arrive to exactly as my friend had said it was.
My brother in law had locked himself in the smallest room in the house. My sister said I don't know what you are doing, but tomorrow you are going to regret it. Unknowing to the fact he was in there planning his own death. She had her youngest son (5) with her and went to take him up to his bed.
Then the phone rang. It was the police outside insisting she get her boys from bed and come out of the house. If she didn't they would come in and get her. My brother in law called the cops himself to get his family out of the house so he could proceed with his untimely death.
I saw the kids being taken out of a trailer for my other sister to take them back to her house. At one point the cops had got there 2 dogs from the side of the house kennels and put them in my car.
I walked around hearing the cop’s walkie talkies saying "We have him cornered and we are talking to him." So in my mind I wasn't thinking clearly and envisioned him in a corner being talked to. I didn't realize he was still in the house, with the gun. I found out by begging a police officer to tell me what was going on. My sister wasn't even told what was going on and didn't know until quite sometime later in the evening.
For almost 3 hours we sat and to be honest with you the longer we waited we thought that he would come out, get help and this nightmare would be soon be over. My other brother in law even said that because he had called people he was asking for help. Maybe he was, but ultimately he was still lost to us.
My brother in law called my dad, who was still at home. He was the last person to speak with him. In fact my brother in law ended up hanging up on my dad saying "The cops are coming, I have to go!" My brother in law shot two rounds into the wall and the cops then proceeded to the house.
Finally something wonderful happened.....we were told that he was coming out of the house that he was going to walk down the driveway. Hope of his survival was restored all we had to do was wait. I remember listening to the walkie talkies of the officers at the house saying "He's coming....He's coming...He's coming....” Then in a split second we heard the gunshot ring into the cold dark night and he was dead! I remember my mom running up to my car so fast that she fell onto the hood screaming he is dead, he is dead! I immediately went into a state of shock like I had never felt before. I had the overwhelming feeling that I just had to walk away, that this wasn't true this couldn't be happening right now.
Thirty Minutes later I returned and I saw my mom’s car there and an ambulance driving by, but no police blocking the road. I asked my mom if he was in there and she said no he is still back at the house. My mom wanted me to call my sister at the neighbor’s house and find out what to do with the dogs. She said I know that she will want us to take them, but I want it to be her choice. My friend at this point who actually had been with me all night was driving and I insisted, demanded even that he drive by my brother in laws house. I felt that if I just drove by the house I would wake up finally and then I would see none of this was really happening.
I was wrong, it was happening and I saw him laying in a pool of blood slanted down the driveway with 1/2 his face gone. The police had spot lights everywhere and didn't even cover his body. To this day I close my eyes and that image haunts me. My sister to saw her Husband of 12 years lying there dead as she was at the neighbors across the street.
It was the 1st time in my life that when walking up to my house I went so weak in the knees with sadness, guilt, trauma, shock, anger, despair more emotions than I could handle that I fell to my knees.
To be continued.................................................in a Part 2.
~ Pam
Suicide Survivor
[email protected]