The Aftermath: Part 2

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Macaw_Lover, Feb 17, 2007.

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  1. Macaw_Lover

    Macaw_Lover Member

    On my knees in my front yard for honestly I'm unsure for how long. I just cried and couldn't stop. I didn't even have any strength to stand up. I don't even remember walking into my house and the reaction from my dad or Grandma who was down for a visit.

    That night, I lay in my bed crying into my pillow. I know I was exhausted so I'm unsure if this was real or a dream. Either way I cried and then my Brother in Law was standing in my door way looking very sad. He said 3 words to me "I'm so sorry" and then he was gone. Was it real? I will never know, but it felt real to me.

    That day we were supposed to finish the roof we had started that weekend. A huge project where several of my family such as Aunts, Uncles and Cousins from up North (2 1/2 hrs away) had gone up that day before he died. We were supposed to finish it on our own that next day, but we could hardly pull ourselves together to face the day and my sister and her 3 boys.

    I remember walking around watching them finish the construction and all I heard was "I'm sorry". I couldn't take it anymore, I didn't want to sorry I wanted to hear he was alive and this was just a nightmare that never ended. I went to my room and stayed in it all day. I called one friend who had known me her whole life and knew my brother in law to where I felt comfortable crying on her shoulder.

    That morning my sister had a priest come to her house to be there when she told them that there Dad was dead and that he had killed himself. The priest said it was best the kids knew the truth right away, because they would ultimately find out and have to deal with there Dad's death all over again and would most likely resent my Sister for keeping the truth from them. My sister said it was the hardest thing she ever has had to do was tell them this horrific news.

    My Brother from California immediately booked a flight to come home that night. My parents the next morning went to my sisters. My Mom asked me if I wanted to come and I said no, I couldn't face them just yet. I was so sad myself I didn't know how to console my sister and nephews. I felt like my heart was breaking and the agony was never ending.

    That night my Aunt and Uncle took me to the airport to pick up my Brother. He hugged me and said I'm sorry it took so long to come home; I just wish it was for anything, but this.

    My Brother wanted me to drive him to my sisters. I told him he could take my car, but he wouldn't hear of it. He wanted to talk to me and said I think you should come there; you don't need to stay if you don't want to. I couldn't even park in the driveway consider just 15 hours earlier there lay my Brother in Law.

    We got to my sisters and she was lying on the couch with a completely blank expression on her face. I have never seen so much pain in a person's eyes. All I could do was stand there and rub my fingers through her hair. I had no words to console her about losing her husband by his own hand.

    I just wanted to leave and go back to my room and hide. My Mom said she wanted me to stay that my Brother would be there for my Sister, but that I needed to be there for the kids that morning they woke up.

    Everyone went to sleep and I'm not sure why I was inclined to do this, but I went online. I suppose it was due to being unable to sleep. I went into oh I'm not sure? Some chat site (not this one) and I was telling complete strangers of my pain. I guess it was easier telling them because I didn’t have to say it out loud and I didn't know them. There were many making fun of me saying I was making this elaborate story up to get "online attention". I only WISH that was true.

    I finally went to lie down on the couch. It was freezing in her house and all I could find was my Brothers flannel to cover some of me up. I think I slept for maybe an hour when my oldest 9 yr old nephew came and woke me up. Normally I would say "leave me alone kid, I’m sleeping!", but how when he just stood there so young, sad and confused by what had just happened. He said can I talk to you please. We went up to the kitchen so not to wake his Mom and my Brother. I will never forget where we were standing in the kitchen when he had tears streaming down his face and hugged me, looked up and said "I thought my Daddy loved us? Why did he have to die?” I said "Never doubt that your Dad loved you, because he loved you boys more than anything in this world, I don't know why he had to die". I wish I had an answer for him, but I didn't even have an answer for myself! He said "I would give up this big house, snowmobiles, and our boat, pool everything and live in a cardboard box just to have my Dad back".

    He walked over and got a photo album and sat on the floor to look at pictures of his family and cried. I wanted to take that pain from him, but I couldn't. I have never felt so hopeless in all my life that I couldn't take those tears away. During all this, my Brother told me that "Crying is the Souls Soap". I then realized that the boys as did all of us needed to cry to survive.

    That day my Brother in Law's, Brother came over. We went down to the room that my Brother in Law locked himself in. The smallest room in the house, the laundry room. We saw 2 bullet holes in the wall and pieces of cloth covering the windows so the police couldn't see in. I feel as if I felt him there, trying to understand what hurt he was going through in this tiny room he spent the last hours of his life in. On his work desk there had always been a photo of him as a boy sitting in a tree. Before his death he took the photo out and wrote on there "I will always be watching over you".

    In situations like this often the funeral directors will come to you in extreme distraught. Outside sat my Brother, Sister and my oldest nephew. He wanted to be a part of the planning. He said he wanted to make sure his dad had a funeral he could be proud of. That no matter what he loved his dad and wanted him to have the best. He even picked out photos as it was to be a closed casket. I have never been as proud of him as I was at that moment. At 9 yrs old he was just trying so hard to "Be the man of the house" sort of stance.

    To Be Continued...........................................................Part 3.
  2. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I have no words except for I'm so sorry for your pain.:sad: This is why I won't kill myself no matter how bad I feel. I won't give my pain to those I love.

    hugs for you,:hug: :hug:

  3. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    Thank you for sharing that with us. I hope you are coping. I cried too.

    This made me pause, to reconsider my actions. I don't want my son to say that about me. Although, it is because he is not in my life now that I thought it better for me to leave totally. I wanted him to grow up without a mother that is sad, crying and hurting more than half the time. :cry:

    I have gone back and forth and back and forth so often...I just want to do it and come what may.

    The hurt I may cause my grandmother, brother does not feel good if I am the one that inflicts it. But, What about my hurt?
  4. Macaw_Lover

    Macaw_Lover Member

    TLA ~ I hope that you are doing a bit more ok. I apologize for not being able to reply sooner. I haven't been on here in quite sometime. Have you taken steps to try and help you heal your hurt?

    ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Part 3 soon to come ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
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