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The aftermath

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by kevin.nbt, May 21, 2012.

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  1. kevin.nbt

    kevin.nbt New Member

    Hello dear friends, my name is Kevin and I'm from Singapore. I was supposed to die on 20th May 2012 but somehow, a series of events took place just before I was about to set out to my planned place to carry out the deed. Perhaps it was all coincidental or you could call it divine intervention but whatever it is, I did not die and today, I have a new perspective about life. It is amazing how much things can change in one day. I have yet to recover from my mental illnesses but I am glad I'm not actively thinking about suicide now. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder, anxiety and intrusive thoughts disorder in early April after my 4 year long relationship with my fiancee ended in March because she sank into depression due to issues at work and couldn't handle any sort of commitments. The whole story is much longer but that is the gist of it.

    The below is a note that I wrote to myself. I do not know if this is the right section to post. Moderators, please move this thread to an appropriate place because I really hope that someone who is suicidal can read it first before deciding to end their life.

    A post to everyone feeling depressed/suicidal/severely down. I wrote it to myself to knock sense into me:

    Remember when you thought life couldn't get any better in the past because you were so comfortable? Then, something happened to your life and it was made better. Unexpected and unbelievable but it did. Then, something bad happened. You have now become too caught up in the belief that that was the best you will ever get in this life and it cannot get better anymore. Then, you feel like dying. Just rewind yourself back to the start when you held that belief. Your life was made better before, it can be made better again. There is never a best. But if you die now, you will never find out but I know you don't care and you are sick of waiting. Everyday is an agony. Hell on earth is what I call it.

    <Mod Edit, WildCherry> And this is just figuratively speaking but let me continue first. I am pretty sure there are people who gives a hoot whether you live or die. But I know you are beyond the point of caring. No religious slants here but let's take a look at the what if's.

    What if life doesn't end when you die? What if, for example, you turn into a ghost after you die? Roaming the earth, witnessing the people who are crying so hard and mourning after you? And you, let's just assume that is how things work, being a ghost would be unable to comfort them? And you roam for the rest of time. You watch your parents cry daily, forcing themselves to go to work so they can pay for your wake and trying so hard to carry on without you. What if your mum just lose it and kill herself right before your very eyes? You watch her jump off the building but there is nothing you can do to stop it. You want to say you are sorry but she cannot hear you, she is falling at 30 miles per hour to the ground. You see her hit the floor. Your dad finds out about her death later and he too ends his own life because he realized that he has no one left to care about. You cry. You cry so hard but no one can hear your wails. You just killed your whole family. You didn't want them to go, all you wanted to do was to go away on your own but look at what you've done. Whatever it is, you can't change that now because you're dead and you're a ghost.

    That is what you did to them the day you decided to end your life. They have so much to say to you but you just didn't care enough to wait, didn't care enough to think or give them a chance to talk to you. Do you think you can bear doing this to the people who love you? Letting them soak up all the collateral damage that you've caused in a moment of utter selfishness?

    Another what if. What if God is real? You will burn in hell for all of eternity. You can't blame God by reasoning with Him that you waited for Him to help you but He didn't. Sorry friend but God would most probably tell you. 'My dear son, I gave you free will. You are free to take any action you want to. That is your one and only position, you can decide on your action but I alone decide on your consequences. Do not say that I did not try to help. I put these people who love you around you to give you encouragement and to help you tide through during the tough times. I made people take their time out to hang out with you and to accompany you. But look what you did to them? Look how you repay me when I tried to help? I am sorry my son, I did try to help and I was heartbroken when you failed to acknowledge that I was there. I love you son but I am a God of fairness. You do not argue with Justice. Your name is not in the Book of Life. I'm sorry son.'

    The last what if. What if God is not real and ghosts do not exist? What if ending your life is really the end of everything? You fade into nothingness and just cease to exist forever. Here comes the big question. How can you ever be sure? There is only one answer, you can never be sure. Perhaps one of the 3 scenarios is true, perhaps there are other scenarios but until the day you die and get to see for yourself, you can never ever be sure. Do not take this gamble, the odds are way against your favour.

    Life is made up of phases. Some good, some bad. You will only know the good ones if you have been through some bad ones. Cliche but true. If you used to have everything going right for you in life, if you are a person who has only known success in life, much like I am, your first fall will be your hardest fall and your biggest challenge. It will take a long time to pick yourself up. You can do it because obviously you were very strong. If you weren't, you wouldn't have known success all your life and you wouldn't have had everything going right for you in the past. You are weak now but that's okay. A child cries the hardest on his first fall. With each fall, the tears progressively lessen, his skin toughens and his brain becomes stronger. You are that child. And when you get up, nothing will be able to push you down again. Ever.

    As much as I am going through very tough times right now, the toughest I've ever faced in my entire life, I believe I can get up. So can you. I was supposed to die on a date which I planned for myself for quite some time. All 9,226 days of life gone in a flash but somehow, I did not do it. The biggest request I have of you is to call someone before you go. If you really have to go, what difference is one phone call going to make? Just call someone.

    If you are reading this, my heart goes out to you. We may be facing very different kinds of pain right now. Perhaps yours is a hundred times worse than mine. I do not know but what I know is this, whatever your pain, I can assure you there will be another poor soul somewhere else in the world who is feeling a pain that is a hundred times worse than yours. And he is not the 'winner'.

    Life is precious. It may not be precious to you but your life is definitely precious to someone else. It is not always about you. Think twice.

    If you feel the need to call someone, call a suicide helpline, call SOS. Or contact me. I am not professionally trained but I promise you I will listen without judgment because to make sense of a mess, you have to speak to someone who was and still is a mess.

    Until then, stay strong. Hope never dies.
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