the apology that never happened

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by lost_in_a_fairytale, Oct 28, 2015.

  1. lost_in_a_fairytale

    lost_in_a_fairytale Active Member

    again I'm not sure if this is in the right place or not but I just wanted to let this out....

    it bugs me when I see people who have been crappy towards someone later admit to being crappy / apologize because it reminds me of someone in my life who I think should've apologized to me but never has.

    It was a confusing time because the person that hurt me so much suffered from depression, so I kept defending them to everyone else and always letting them off the hook (maybe too much) after they had hurt me. I've had moderate-severe depression too so I could relate, although when I've had depressive bouts I've never said anything hurtful to others and have still managed to be considerate (not saying I'm an angel just that it adds to whether or not its someone's fault). this person was a close friend but very often they ignored me, took a nasty tone with me if I were to suggest something normal or helpful (e.g. hanging out more as I thought it would be nice for the friendship), said they didn't care about people being there for them, even at times when they werent at their worst they still didn't bother to respond, for example one time when i specifically said i was upset about something in my family and would like to talk when they have time/if they dont mind and they still ignored me. everyone I knew told me they were being a bad friend but I stuck by this person anyway to support them for a long time. it made me incredibly upset and miserable but I kept telling myself "they wouldnt be doing this if they werent depressed, they dont mean it" but at times the things they said to me and their behaviour hurt me so much that i sort of regret not taking more time for myself and it got harder and harder to believe it wasn't their fault. it hurt a lot supporting someone through everything no matter how many times you were the punching bag and for them to never appreciate it. on the odd occasion they said thanks for very small things, but on the whole it was incredibly one-sided. i stood with them for hours in the cold listening to their problems, but when I had problems they left me within 30 seconds. I kinda hoped one day they would admit they behaved crappy at times and apologize for hurting me......but no. I've accepted they never will but when I see others being apologized to it reminds me. It annoyed me that they always seemed to be allowed to be blunt towards me and yet if I ever tried saying something more straightforward to them they always batted it away with "but I'm ill/I'm always right". I have moved on from them now as I figured it was too toxic (it was exhausting and ended up making me depressed too), but I guess I find it weird that I never got closure.....as in I never figured out if my reaction was fair or not. I never told them how they made me feel as I thought that would be selfish of me, I knew my feelings about their behaviour were trivial in comparison to their depression, but I never figured out if depression is an excuse to be rude to people/hurt people??? Some people say it is, others say it's not and I don't know what to think. I guess I never figured out if I had a right to be upset or not all that time. I think if they were only rude to me/hurt me a few times it wouldn't have been so bad, but they did it a lot. I can't help but feel it was so unfair, especially after I helped them so much and by the end of it all I got was snapped at, forgotten about, taken for granted and shrugged off. If I'm honest I feel a bit jealous when I hear others say how grateful they are for people helping them through tough times, it still makes my heart sink a bit knowing that was never said to me. It would have been nice after all that, thats all
     
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am of the opinion that we remain responsible for all of out choices and actions and blaming illness or disorders or sick (or other people, work, or anything else) for the way we act or react is a cop out and fine for young children but not acceptable for adult behavior. Those things might be a mitigating factor, or make it slightly more forgivable with an apology, but in the end the person remains responsible for their own words and actions - being depressed is not an acceptable excuse to be an a$$ or treat others poorly. If somebodies mental state is honestly so bad they have no control over their words and actions then they should be locked inpatient because if unable to control their words and actions then clearly they are a danger to themselves and more importantly others. (and so far as the obvious "I lose control but would never hurt somebody"- if you can control one action you can control another action- and just decided that the other action was not "bad enough" to warrant control so still was a choice.

    Many people when depressed intentionally push others away by treating them badly or indifferently- it happens all the time. In the end, it is their fault they have no support and until they modify their behavior they will never get the support they need or crave because nobody will put up with being treated like crap for an extended period of time (or at least nobody should).

    Your "friend" has no excuse based on depression, and I am glad you have parted ways for your sake. Sadly, people that are just rude mean people are not known for coming around with apologies- instead they choose to blame their behavior on the illness or on other people - anybody but accept responsibility. You are clearly a good person and I hope you continue to treat people so kindly. I also hope next time you do not accept excuses for poor behavior and when somebody treats your badly you walk away until they learn that it is unacceptable to be like that - period.