You know I've never so scared in my life than i am right now. Hearing people talk about destiny. You know what i don't get ..... how something can be 'destiny' for someone else and if i say its 'my destiny' its instantly dismissed. All my life I've know i won't live past 20. It's something i just know. Mentally i'm still a kid. Ok physically i am 19 but at times mentally i feel much younger than that. I've always felt mentally younger than i actually was. Yeah i know people go through stage of that. But i'm being serious. I don't think i could ever handle the world on my own. This is why i have to put a stop to it now. Why i have to do this now. A few people try talk me out of this. Why? Why change the inevitable? why change the future? Many people believe that people that life has a set path. But we can change the route of that path with out actions in life. But its true. We all do have a set path. A path to death. The only thing that ever stops us is fear. Fear of hurting the ones we love. Fear makes us who we are. Makes us human. Makes us real. Makes us feel. We never know who we are until the way we've reacted in a fearful situation. I sure as hell don't know who i am. But there is one i do know. That is i wouldn't be able to handle the death of anyone around me. I don't understand how anyone could cope with that. Yes I've had people in my life, rarely close family die. But not someone i see/talk to on a daily basis. There are people in this world i fear of losing. The fear of not having them there. Most of all i fear the destruction it will cause me and therefore the destruction that will cause everyone else. You see its an endless circle. I've learnt not post certain things on here. Because it only causes people to talk me out of certain things. But in my mind i know what is going to happen. What my destiny is. What my path of life is. I feel that getting closer. Ya know, i told someone ..... yesterday. That i couldn't do anything before next Saturday. I was wrong. Completely wrong. I should of never of said that. Not in a million years. I'd be going back on my. Before then is good. Tonight is good. I'm not gonna fuck up his life. Not gonna be a let down for him. I love him so much and i'm not gonna do that to him. Yeah if i loved him in anyway in the slightest then i couldn't do this to him or anyone else, including my family. I hurt people, i hurt people here. I know i have and i can repay you all for that. Re pay you with my death. Thats the biggest thing i can offer you. Repent my sins with my death. Thats what my life was meant to be. For months I thought the inevitable of ODing. Actually been on the phone on the verge of ODing and been on the other end of the phone when someone is about to OD. Thats battle is now up. I was a fool for thinking i could give that up. Its finished. I'm finished. My life is finished. The battle is no more.