My name is Adam Where to begin i ask.through my mental eyes is a sad world.I'm a grown man that truly hasnt fitted with any group since i could remember.im not disfigured and some many women in the past have told me i'm handsome.sometimes i feel good looking,yet that doesnt stop me from thinking about<mod edit - methods>on a daily basis. I came from a messed up family of being poor,uneducated,wrong friends to be hanging out with,and picked on in school.i wasnt invited to hardly no parties growing up.graduation night i drove around looking for anyone to hang around with only to end up getting high with the dumbest crowd of peeps.im not mentally stable thanks to the genes my biological parents passed unto me.try being bald when youre a teenager and having unibrow.hair growing on my body that shouldnt be there and no hair where there should be.genetics on my dads side of the fam are messed up probably from inbred reproduction somewhere decades ago. i was a single child who grew up poor.ive been wrongfully fired from many jobs over the past 15 years simply because coworkers and bosses alike are corrupted and dirty,just like cops.ive dated millions of women for a very short time,but nothing lasted longer than 1-2 weeks.my longest relationship was 4 months.i really liked her alot,but she had drug issues and her welfare family hated me to pieces.my mothers side of the family have all shunned me out since my childhood.they're what i label the christian mafia.anyone outside their religious circle are considered an outsider,yet its ok they gossip,belittle,condone,bad rep,scold,and give dirty looks to anyone they dot like simply because they worship god and praise themselves as a child of god. i was ganged up by small groups of people in my hometown as a teenager and in both high school and tech school for what reason? because people are cruel on this planet,thats why. im obviously going nowhere in life no matter what road i travel on.nobody really guided me on the correct path because nobody really cared.a few cared here and there. as a grown man im ewak,brittle and very depressed to the point i cant even think straight.but hey its all in the past right? those are just bad memories and you can move on right? easier said than done folks.its alot of piled on bad memories that wont fade away,that has crippled my mind set,made me bitter,mean and careless even to what happens to my body. i have reached a point that my life is nothing,its useless.society has made that clear.theres not a day that doesnt go by ill be glad once this life is finally over and done with.everyone has a pressure point.theres only so much a human mind,and body,can with hold.pft i dont expect even the president to be there for me when needed most. i believe the word suicide is a strong word,too strong.its an erie word with a striking ending to it.maybe some people are born to die and know they dont belong in this world.they just know who they are,where they fit in and which steps to take in their own life. i do pray for gods help every night in bed.ive been through too much.god knows my mother has,bless her heart. i really do believe in the end my death be will the result of taking my own life.its probably a matter of when and how.my mental state is shattered and very weak.theres so many people being born everyday.i ask myself why do their parents bring those people into this wicked and cruel world? why would they do that? everyday is a serious drag out of bed.my self esteem is wiped out.my dad has asked me on different occasions if i do drugs.i told him honestly no.its because im so stressed out,so out of it mentally,so down and out,so depressed,so not with it that i cant even keep with the the flow anymore.in a sick sense it actually feels kinda good,why? i love to sleep in a dark room under very comfortable blankets on a cushy pillow.the color of blue and black mixed with silence and peace.to be at ease and peace for good is soothing music to my ears. I am convinced this life is not for me.the signs have made them selves clear all along.i do pray to god almighty i do go soon,with peace,no pain.i look at it positively with a smirky smile on my face.i even chuckle to it sometimes.maybe i cant see the forest for the trees how bad my situation truly is.if it makes me feel strangely happy to be severely depressed and waiting patiently for death then why not go with it. lately ive been wanting to cry cause the pain deep inside me is starting to finally pierce through after years of compressing it away.i dont look 5-10 years down the road because i dont want to.i know there's nothing there to look forward to.im not stupid.i didnt take the short bus to school.I would love to find somebody to be with,to call my own,to squeeze and love. maybe god himself can help me back on my feet,to carry on,for my parents sake. i know there's millions of others with their own depressive and suicidal problems that have posted up stories.like them,i HAD to find a forum to post mine.whether anyone cares or not,i wanted to post what i wanted to say.No i dont want to take medication or see a therapist.some things in the human mind cant be fixed or altered.