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The beginning of the End?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by AdamvsAdam, Jan 15, 2016.

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  1. AdamvsAdam

    AdamvsAdam New Member

    My name is Adam

    Where to begin i ask.through my mental eyes is a sad world.I'm a grown man that truly hasnt fitted with any group since i could remember.im not disfigured and some many women in the past have told me i'm handsome.sometimes i feel good looking,yet that doesnt stop me from thinking about<mod edit - methods>on a daily basis.

    I came from a messed up family of being poor,uneducated,wrong friends to be hanging out with,and picked on in school.i wasnt invited to hardly no parties growing up.graduation night i drove around looking for anyone to hang around with only to end up getting high with the dumbest crowd of peeps.im not mentally stable thanks to the genes my biological parents passed unto me.try being bald when youre a teenager and having unibrow.hair growing on my body that shouldnt be there and no hair where there should be.genetics on my dads side of the fam are messed up probably from inbred reproduction somewhere decades ago.

    i was a single child who grew up poor.ive been wrongfully fired from many jobs over the past 15 years simply because coworkers and bosses alike are corrupted and dirty,just like cops.ive dated millions of women for a very short time,but nothing lasted longer than 1-2 weeks.my longest relationship was 4 months.i really liked her alot,but she had drug issues and her welfare family hated me to pieces.my mothers side of the family have all shunned me out since my childhood.they're what i label the christian mafia.anyone outside their religious circle are considered an outsider,yet its ok they gossip,belittle,condone,bad rep,scold,and give dirty looks to anyone they dot like simply because they worship god and praise themselves as a child of god.

    i was ganged up by small groups of people in my hometown as a teenager and in both high school and tech school for what reason? because people are cruel on this planet,thats why.

    im obviously going nowhere in life no matter what road i travel on.nobody really guided me on the correct path because nobody really cared.a few cared here and there.

    as a grown man im ewak,brittle and very depressed to the point i cant even think straight.but hey its all in the past right? those are just bad memories and you can move on right? easier said than done folks.its alot of piled on bad memories that wont fade away,that has crippled my mind set,made me bitter,mean and careless even to what happens to my body.

    i have reached a point that my life is nothing,its useless.society has made that clear.theres not a day that doesnt go by ill be glad once this life is finally over and done with.everyone has a pressure point.theres only so much a human mind,and body,can with hold.pft i dont expect even the president to be there for me when needed most.

    i believe the word suicide is a strong word,too strong.its an erie word with a striking ending to it.maybe some people are born to die and know they dont belong in this world.they just know who they are,where they fit in and which steps to take in their own life.

    i do pray for gods help every night in bed.ive been through too much.god knows my mother has,bless her heart.

    i really do believe in the end my death be will the result of taking my own life.its probably a matter of when and how.my mental state is shattered and very weak.theres so many people being born everyday.i ask myself why do their parents bring those people into this wicked and cruel world? why would they do that?

    everyday is a serious drag out of bed.my self esteem is wiped out.my dad has asked me on different occasions if i do drugs.i told him honestly no.its because im so stressed out,so out of it mentally,so down and out,so depressed,so not with it that i cant even keep with the the flow anymore.in a sick sense it actually feels kinda good,why? i love to sleep in a dark room under very comfortable blankets on a cushy pillow.the color of blue and black mixed with silence and peace.to be at ease and peace for good is soothing music to my ears.

    I am convinced this life is not for me.the signs have made them selves clear all along.i do pray to god almighty i do go soon,with peace,no pain.i look at it positively with a smirky smile on my face.i even chuckle to it sometimes.maybe i cant see the forest for the trees how bad my situation truly is.if it makes me feel strangely happy to be severely depressed and waiting patiently for death then why not go with it.

    lately ive been wanting to cry cause the pain deep inside me is starting to finally pierce through after years of compressing it away.i dont look 5-10 years down the road because i dont want to.i know there's nothing there to look forward to.im not stupid.i didnt take the short bus to school.I would love to find somebody to be with,to call my own,to squeeze and love.

    maybe god himself can help me back on my feet,to carry on,for my parents sake.

    i know there's millions of others with their own depressive and suicidal problems that have posted up stories.like them,i HAD to find a forum to post mine.whether anyone cares or not,i wanted to post what i wanted to say.No i dont want to take medication or see a therapist.some things in the human mind cant be fixed or altered.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 16, 2016
  2. sofie

    sofie Banned Member

    I wish I could say something to help but I cannot because I am right there with you in terms of ending it but I do want to say that I am sorry you are hurting so badly. I know the feeling of bottling everything up and have nothing useful to offer -- I hope you make it through though.
  3. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    The user name is appropriate - because it really does sound very much despite listing some statements about how bad the world can be at times that your biggest enemy is yourself. While discussing how bad your life is and painful to you you readily admit "it makes me feel strangely happy to be severely depressed and waiting patiently for death" and sadly many people are in a similar situation where depression has become the comfortable place for them to be so while in no way happy or satisfied with their life they also have no interest in changing that. When add that to the end statements of "No i dont want to take medication or see a therapist" so is clear that you do not want to get better because despite claiming abject ly miserable life you wan to eliminate the most obvious and simple methods of changing iot for the better and by the tone wish to change nothing. This is a free world (well , that is certainly debatable but makes a nice phrase) so you are free to choose for yourself how you live, but I am unsure what you want for support because it would seem you are just looking for support to feel miserable and good about your apparent decision to continue to live in misery and perhaps commit suicide. While I am happy to offer both advice and support in finding hope, happiness, a better life that does not cause pain on a daily basis I am afraid I cannot in good conscience at all say that i think intentionally being miserable is something I support. I do sincerely hope that due to it being the middle of the night here and no sleep I completely misunderstood and you are in fact looking for a way to make life better and support in making your life better and not filled with pain and misery. Please do let me know and tell me I completely misunderstood if that is the case so that we can offer real support to you?
  4. AdamvsAdam

    AdamvsAdam New Member

    well you didnt really need to dissect everything i said.keep it simple,go with the flow and dont make it any harder than what it is.i tried paxil and no,not for me.like i said some things in the human mind or bad experieces cant be fixed by meds or therapy.everyones different and has different angles of life with different mind sets.its a huge mesh,the human mind.i just know medication isnt going to perfect my life.All in all its fine.i didnt wake up one day and decide to find this forum right away.this is been going on my whole life.its just a conclusion to know where i belong in this life,where i fit in and how the american society views me.its like knowing when someone found their other half,they just "know".they cant explain it but it is.same difference for me with my personal depressional issue.i know my life has been hard,not fun and i know ill never make it far in life.i just know this.theres too many "signs" to not ignore.keep it simple and go with the flow.
  5. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I truly envy the many people that know the future and how everything is going to happen long before it does...though I suspect must make life really boring too.

    I actually however think that peopel generally get about what they expect out of things and set themselves up for failure or success by deciding what will happen in the future. And trying paxil and knowing meds dont work for you is also very keen perception. Once when I was sick they tried and antibiotic and when it did not help they tried another and the next one did. My son tried an antibiotic as a baby, was allergic and was rushed back to the Dr far worse then he started- but we still gave him another medication because despite the fact the first was near disaster , it did not change the fact he was sick and needed to get better. So far as people "knowing they found their other half and just knowing it" that is belied by the 50% divorce rate - so perhaps what they Know and what they Think is in fact quite different....

    And if the flow is taking you someplace that you do not like being why the hell not swim instead? The only person keeping you on the same path is you if that is your choice to do nothing but go with the flow that is taking you in the wrong direction.
  6. sofie

    sofie Banned Member

    I think he is simply too exhausted to continue to swim against the current....to continue the metaphor.
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