I want to start out by saying that up until the last 6 months, I've been strong emotionally, but have always had bouts of depression. Until the last 6 months, I've been able to control my mood swings. I'm 23, have had a good, stable job for over 3 years right out of college, and I've never had money problems. I've been in good health and I'm proud of how well I've been slimming down. People tell me I looked a little thin lately though, but that's probably because of what's happening to me... Recently I have "come out of my shell." I've done A LOT of traveling just for the fun of it. Philadelphia, NYC, LA, Chicago, San Diego, Cleveland, Albany, DC, etc. People are even calling me a jet setter. It has brought me a lot of joy, with the predictable side effect of depression when I get home. On one of my trips, I met up with a girl from LA and her friend for a road trip to Albany from NYC. It was one of the best times I've ever had in my life, and I cried on my way back home knowing that I'd probably never see them again. I was depressed for weeks. We kept in contact by email, and I really got to liking her. I sent her flowers for her birthday and more when I thought she was depressed a month later... She picked up that I liked her, and let me know that she only wanted to be friends. I just can't help that I care for her more than any person I've ever met, but I respect her wishes and stopped right there. A couple months ago, I decided to go to LA to meet back up with them for another road trip. We originally planned on a few times to meet for dinner and a concert before the trip, but those plans got axed when she couldn't get out of work early enough. It drove me into the ground, and I couldn't leave my hotel room because I was crying like crazy. Even the second day we planned for our road trip got cut short. But eventually the day came for our trip, and it was the best day of my life. I got them both gifts and hand made gift cards, which they said they loved. I had so much fun with them, talking, listening to music, drinking a bit and going to a music festival. When the time came to drive them back to their place, I dropped them off and we hugged. Of course, after I drove off to my hotel, I was once again worried I'd never see them again. The next day I asked if she wanted to do dinner before I left on my flight, but she said she was tied up at work for the rest of the day. I really wanted to see her one last time, but I could deal with this. I did my own thing and had fun. Eventually when I got back from my flights, I emailed her a day later thanking her for the wonderful time, but I haven’t received a reply in days… That never happened. It’s really bothering me. I’m now worried that she is avoiding me. I don’t know if I did something wrong. Each day that goes by I wake up feeling terrible. I’m having trouble with sleep, and I’m constantly exhausted. I can’t eat, and I’ve dropped more and more weight. I feel like I'm falling apart, and can't enjoy anything. Now I don’t want to live any more. I would drop everything and fly back out to see her again in a heartbeat if she was okay with it, or wanted to do something. But now I don’t know what’s going on. I have cried continually since I got back Monday, and even got sick at work yesterday and went home for the rest of the day. I just want to stop living. The only comforting thought I have is the possibility of seeing her again, but now I don’t know if she will even talk with me. If that’s the case, I definitely don’t want to continue on. The only thing that is holding me back from carrying out the final blow is my family. I love my parents, brothers, sisters and cousins so much; I think it might really hurt them. I don’t want to tell her that I feel this way. I just want her to be happy and not have to deal with something that is MY problem. If I just disappeared though, I couldn’t hurt her, and this pain would go away. I almost wish I had never known her at all. But then I see her in a picture, or get an email or text from her, my day is instantly so much better. But without hearing from her, I don't think I can do this for another day without killing myself.