The best and worst thing that has ever happened to me

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by orangejulius, Dec 17, 2009.

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  1. orangejulius

    orangejulius Well-Known Member

    I want to start out by saying that up until the last 6 months, I've been strong emotionally, but have always had bouts of depression. Until the last 6 months, I've been able to control my mood swings. I'm 23, have had a good, stable job for over 3 years right out of college, and I've never had money problems. I've been in good health and I'm proud of how well I've been slimming down. People tell me I looked a little thin lately though, but that's probably because of what's happening to me...

    Recently I have "come out of my shell." I've done A LOT of traveling just for the fun of it. Philadelphia, NYC, LA, Chicago, San Diego, Cleveland, Albany, DC, etc. People are even calling me a jet setter. It has brought me a lot of joy, with the predictable side effect of depression when I get home.

    On one of my trips, I met up with a girl from LA and her friend for a road trip to Albany from NYC. It was one of the best times I've ever had in my life, and I cried on my way back home knowing that I'd probably never see them again. I was depressed for weeks.

    We kept in contact by email, and I really got to liking her. I sent her flowers for her birthday and more when I thought she was depressed a month later... She picked up that I liked her, and let me know that she only wanted to be friends. I just can't help that I care for her more than any person I've ever met, but I respect her wishes and stopped right there. :(

    A couple months ago, I decided to go to LA to meet back up with them for another road trip. We originally planned on a few times to meet for dinner and a concert before the trip, but those plans got axed when she couldn't get out of work early enough. It drove me into the ground, and I couldn't leave my hotel room because I was crying like crazy. Even the second day we planned for our road trip got cut short.

    But eventually the day came for our trip, and it was the best day of my life. I got them both gifts and hand made gift cards, which they said they loved. I had so much fun with them, talking, listening to music, drinking a bit and going to a music festival. When the time came to drive them back to their place, I dropped them off and we hugged. Of course, after I drove off to my hotel, I was once again worried I'd never see them again.

    The next day I asked if she wanted to do dinner before I left on my flight, but she said she was tied up at work for the rest of the day. I really wanted to see her one last time, but I could deal with this. I did my own thing and had fun.

    Eventually when I got back from my flights, I emailed her a day later thanking her for the wonderful time, but I haven’t received a reply in days… That never happened. It’s really bothering me. I’m now worried that she is avoiding me. I don’t know if I did something wrong. Each day that goes by I wake up feeling terrible. I’m having trouble with sleep, and I’m constantly exhausted. I can’t eat, and I’ve dropped more and more weight. I feel like I'm falling apart, and can't enjoy anything. Now I don’t want to live any more. I would drop everything and fly back out to see her again in a heartbeat if she was okay with it, or wanted to do something.

    But now I don’t know what’s going on. I have cried continually since I got back Monday, and even got sick at work yesterday and went home for the rest of the day. I just want to stop living. The only comforting thought I have is the possibility of seeing her again, but now I don’t know if she will even talk with me. If that’s the case, I definitely don’t want to continue on. The only thing that is holding me back from carrying out the final blow is my family. I love my parents, brothers, sisters and cousins so much; I think it might really hurt them.

    I don’t want to tell her that I feel this way. I just want her to be happy and not have to deal with something that is MY problem. If I just disappeared though, I couldn’t hurt her, and this pain would go away.

    I almost wish I had never known her at all. But then I see her in a picture, or get an email or text from her, my day is instantly so much better. But without hearing from her, I don't think I can do this for another day without killing myself.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    It is so difficult when one person likes the other more in a relationship..which is bound to happen in just about all relationships...if you had such a good time with her, I am sure you can find someone else...if you do, the worst that can happen is that you have two friends...your strength is not gotten from someone is what is inside you...I am sure the next person will know how fortunate she is...J
  3. orangejulius

    orangejulius Well-Known Member

    What has been so difficult for me to understand is why I've met more than a few women that I liked, but have never felt so strongly for anyone as I do now. It's to the point that I'm almost mentally crippled. Everywhere I go something reminds me of her. I see her name constantly. It's almost like some cruel joke.

    I've never had trouble controlling my emotions in public, but now I'm almost in tears every time something reminds me of her. I'm tearing up as I type this while at work. It's ridiculous.

    The first thing I think of when I wake up is, "I wonder if she sent me something." How can someone I've known for such a short time impact me so much?

    My strength may come from within, but I need others to channel that strength. I can be amazingly brave and courageous when I'm defending or helping my friends, but more and more I find myself not being able to handle loneliness.

    Thank you for replying... I appreciate your kind words. I have been trying to express myself to friends and family, but it hasn't helped. Or perhaps it has, as I haven't killed myself yet.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 17, 2009
  4. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    There's a throwaway sentence in your first post that caught my attention, where you say
    and I can't help wondering why you would feel depressed when you get home, as if being at home isn't as good as maybe it could be? As if maybe travelling, going to new places, being away from where you are now is actually a lot more important to you than you realize? And that maybe meeting this girl has made you even more unhappy about your current situation without you even knowing it? Just wondered if that means anything to you. (If not, totally ignore this post :smile:)
  5. orangejulius

    orangejulius Well-Known Member

    There is perhaps more wisdom in your words than I want to admit. Much of why I've been leaving home is to prove that I can make it all on my own, cut off from my previous life. It kind of backfired when I went to LA for 9 days... I went there thinking I'd meet up with friends at least a couple times throughout the week, but only got to see them that one day. And that was such a good day. The couple days leading up to it were some of the worst I've ever handled though, because I didn't know if she was trying to ditch me.

    For me, travelling is one of the few things I can look back on and not regret, because each time I go somewhere, whether it is NYC, Vegas or LA, I pick up a little bit more experience. My best memories have been created on my travels. Eventually I hope to travel across most of the world. South Africa, Ireland, Argentina, Denmark, Japan... I have an endless list of destinations I want to go to throughout my life.

    That's what attracts me so much to this girl... She has traveled as much as, if not more than me since she's a year older. We like the same things... music, movies, food. And her personality is amazing. When she’s around, there’s never a dull moment. I wish that we could go on these trips together, even if all we may ever be is friends, so we can share these experiences. I feel like a big brother when I'm around her as well, that I won't let anything happen to her. The thought of her getting hurt scares me badly. I have even offered to pay for her rooms and stuff in the past, but she refuses, and says she doesn't want me to waste my money on her. It's what has been missing for me; another person that I can look back on the trip with and reminisce. I fear that is a fantasy that may never come to fruition. I've just never met a girl like her. I'm afraid I may never again if I just let go.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 17, 2009
  6. TWF

    TWF Well-Known Member

    She probably see's you as a friend. Do you want to be just her friend? Are you content with that? Then tell her. If you want to really take it further deep inside it will probably take time with this case, she doesn't look like she likes change, sometimes change is a scary thing especially after you've just done travelling.
  7. jjjoooggg2

    jjjoooggg2 Well-Known Member

    Women can be a difficult matter. U can be a great guy and have all the right intentions and still not get the girl. I think u said "just come out of your shell." U seem inexperirnced. I read a book "why I kissed dating goodbye." Although the title is a bit extreme. He makes a good point to mostly stop dating or at least stop having sex. U are very young. I thought I met my soulmate 4 times. U will be over her in time.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 18, 2009
  8. jjjoooggg2

    jjjoooggg2 Well-Known Member

    The book's main idea is that relationships mostly end in painful damaging seperation. Rarely is the girl ur dating goin to marry. So datin is a waste of time and energy.

    Maybe, you are trying to hard. Maybe, there is some past psychological history that could explain why you are putting all your hope into this girl that you just met. Maybe, she is a bit worried that you are too much into her so quickly and what would happen if things didn't work out.

    Maybe, your projecting yourself as beneath her by being to easy. I don't know. Just putting some thoughts out.

    But, if you are going to start dating. You have to be prepared for the break up part.

    Could you some up your parents relationship. I heard that children that live through a divorce become insecure and fear break ups.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 18, 2009
  9. orangejulius

    orangejulius Well-Known Member

    I feel a little better now after reading these posts, and talking with her a bit. She said she's really busy with work, and I believe her with the project wrapping up this week. I really like her, and I would love to get to know her better. I don't expect us to fall madly in love and get married; some grand vision like that. I just want to find the person who will support and complement me through life.

    If she turns out to be the one, which I have a feeling she could be, I don't want to miss the opportunity. I'm willing to wait as long as needed.

    My family history... My parents and grandparents are all still married. My older brothers and sister (2 older brothers, 1 older sister and 2 younger brothers) are all married, but the oldest did have a divorce (after 10 years of marriage) and is remarried. The only other divorce in my extended family is from one of my uncles, and one of my cousins. Other than that, it's been pretty uncommon in my family.

    I will be first to admit that I'm not experienced with relationships. I've always been devoted to my family and work. In the last year though, I looked at what I wanted from life, what really mattered to me, and I love the company of other people. Money is not fulfilling. Sex to me isn't what matters, it's companionship. I'm in control of those feelings, and I would never pressure her into it.

    You may be right about portraying myself as beneath her though. I'm not sure if that's what I'm doing. For me, I'm showing her that I care about her, perhaps that she is an important pursuit in my life. Don't women like that? I've always heard that women like being pursued. I would love to hear a woman's thoughts on this.

    I'm not expecting anything back other than a response from her... good or bad.

    If that's not a good idea, how do I show her how I feel? I'm not willing to believe that relationships are not worthwhile just because they don't all end well. Even if most end badly, I am never willing to give up if I could find a companion. Call me young, inexperienced, stubborn or naïve, but I can't accept it.

    Isn't it ironic though that I've been suicidal? Perhaps I'm a bit conflicted.
  10. jjjoooggg2

    jjjoooggg2 Well-Known Member

    Before I give you any advice, I must say that I'm a guy.

    I only have a few experiences.

    Yes, over time the girls came back to me because I tried so hard. But in the process, I was constantly denied. Maybe, they had good reasons. I can't read their minds. And I found reasons not to want to be with them.

    Someone once told me that it is rare to have both like each other at the same time. In most of my cases it was like a slow moving pendulum. At least that's the impression the girls gave me.

    If she makes you depressed for too long, I'd forget about her. You want someone that makes your world happy, not dramatic.

    The funny think about love is that while a couple is in love. There is probably someone else hating yall for being together. And it's hard enough to keep a relationship going. With all the headache, I wonder if relationships are futile. Maybe, I'm negative. And if you marry within your race, some will think your racist. And if you marry outside your race, you will step on people's toes. It's a double edged sword this love thing. We chase for something that leads to headache. So I just try to enjoy life and be productive. I love to bike and fix things. And all I need is my friends to be there when I need to talk.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 19, 2009
  11. orangejulius

    orangejulius Well-Known Member

    Regardless, I value all advice, because I'm only living this one life. It's extremely important to me to hear all angles and sides to this, as I know that my experience is very limited.

    I know a lot of couples who have stayed together for a long time. Usually they are both willing to give something in a relationship, or one is submissive. I never want to be in the latter, but the give-and-take relationships I've seen and studied (yes, I find human dynamics fascinating) are the ones that seem to be the most fulfilling.

    Like you said, it can't all be one person doing all the work, or that person will become burnt out and lose interest, even if the other ends up realizing what they lost. I hope I can realize if I ever get into a situation like that, but with my level of experience... That's probably going to be difficult.

    I wonder... What did you do to let them know how you felt initially? Face to face, a letter, poetry or electronic methods? (Phone/Text/Email/SocNet)

    I have thus far sent a bouquet of flowers to her with a friendship/love poem attached. This was around a month ago, and she pretty well picked up on it and said that she thought it was a romantic gesture, but liked me completely as a friend. I think I'm a cheesy romantic. :)


    Just got to read the rest of your edit. It really does sound like you have been through a lot... I think I understand where you are coming from. I was reasonably happy after I broke into my job, and I had a solid 1 1/2 years there where I just kind of drifted along, enjoying things for the most part. No drama, I avoided it at all costs. I never felt anything beyond mildly happy, but I also didn't really feel all that sad. I was just kind of in "a neutral zone." I was pretty materialistic too... I collected a LOT of guns. For a guy my age, 20 something rifles/pistols/shotguns is crazy, which I came to realize. I guess I had plenty of money that I had no idea what to do with.

    In the past 1/2 year I've done more than I ever did in my first 23 years of life. I've traveled all over the US, been to dozens of concerts and events, and met people I would never have seen in my previous lifestyle. My monetary supply went into travel and helping other people. It's opened me up to so many things, but it has also come at the cost of bipolar mood swings. I've never had a panic attack until June/August. It scared the hell out of me. I haven't since had any though, just this kiddy heartbreak.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 19, 2009
  12. jjjoooggg2

    jjjoooggg2 Well-Known Member

    Uhmm let's see:

    I sent flowers too. If you like a girl, she will notice. I used to drive to a martial arts school 20 miles away even though there was one closer. I visited a girl's work place. I used to write to a girl that I met on a bicycle tour. I was not good at girls. So I don't think that you should be takin my route.

    Other people may say that you need to keep them guessin where you are coming from. There is a lot of advice out there.

    One of my teachers said that if a child is constantly exposed to drama and/or opera music, TV soap opera, they will grow up to live a dramatic life. Did you grow up around dramatic role models?
  13. orangejulius

    orangejulius Well-Known Member

    My first flowers were under the guise of a birthday gift... The second... Well... They were under the guise of cheering her up. But the note I left for the card was this:

    "If I had a flower for all the times you've made me smile, I would have a paradise to walk in forever. I know things have been hectic lately, so hopefully I can make you smile... or perhaps just embarrass you a little. - S. :)"

    Cheesy as hell, eh? She picked up on it. But then again, the meaning hits anyone over the head with a hammer.

    My life has always been spectacularly undramatic. Smallish town of 15,000, not much ever happened. I was always a shy kid. I kind of still am, but I'm quite comfortable in any situation now, mainly because of work. There was always a general feeling in my family that we should never expect to be anything "special." Your life would be like everyone else’s. That's the way small towns are.

    The one exception may be my role models. While I had the normal ones, like my father, I also grew up with a feeling that I must be a protector. Blame that on Clint Eastwood maybe. I always feel really good when I watch over people and keep them safe.

    The day I spent with her and her friend sort of showcased this... While at a concert, frat and college guys would come up and talk with me, nice enough, starting with, “you’re cool, we’re going to get you laid tonight.” When I said, “thanks, but I’m just with some friends tonight,” they made mention that if I didn't "hit that," they would. I let them know that the last time a guy messed with someone I liked, I was ready to tear his throat out, and that if I saw the guy again, I would shoot him in the face. That ended the advances quickly. I don't really like other guys because they have the tendency to treat women as sex objects. I've always liked talking with women more, maybe because I was raised with my older sister and her friends.

    Maybe I just want excitement, although that's never been what I've craved. Traveling is something that has given me experiences that almost no one I know has. Most people I know have never been to NYC or LA. Maybe it's my way of being unique.

    And this girl... She lives 2000 miles away. So now I'm REALLY encouraged to travel. My whole LA trip was with the intent to see her again, even though I haven't really let anyone know beyond a couple close family members. I don't regret a single cent I paid on the trip. Every moment with her is one that I treasure.

    Talking about this has been one of the best releases I've ever had... I usually can only get similar support from one family member who I don't get to see often. Thank you everyone! :)
  14. jjjoooggg2

    jjjoooggg2 Well-Known Member

    Are you still in college?
  15. orangejulius

    orangejulius Well-Known Member

    I graduated with an Associates in Computer Science in 2006, and went to work as a consultant the next week. I've been working for the same consulting company for over 3 1/2 years now. It's been pretty good to me.
  16. TWF

    TWF Well-Known Member

    Heheheh, you have a decent life, please don't kill yourself. Faith.
  17. jjjoooggg2

    jjjoooggg2 Well-Known Member

    Just keep correspondence. Bein 2000 miles away, I think y'all should stay friends. It works out better that way. I've moved out of town and it didn't work. Was one of most depressing moments. I've heard other cases too. Also, Your job is more important.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 19, 2009
  18. orangejulius

    orangejulius Well-Known Member

    I know I have a lot going for me, but I have never met ANYONE I liked this much. My life has been so empty feeling until I saw her again. I'm not just planning on moving away on a whim. What I hope will happen is I can fly over there every once in a while to visit her. If we discover that we are good together, then I may start honestly considering moving out there. I loved LA anyway, so much more than Illinois and Chicago, and I can always fly back to IL if I want to see my relatives over here.

    And my job isn't that good. I already know I can make a lot more elsewhere, and work is only a means to an end to me. The whole "I work to live, not live to work" idea. But I'm going to be cautious about this. I'm good at that usually.

    I'm much more stable now. I was suicidal because I was worried that she didn't want to talk to me anymore. I realize that it's never worth taking my life, but I do have a fatalist/nihilist/defeatist/existentialist streak in me that becomes overwhelmingly negative and can act really rash. Having access to an arsenal is probably bad for me in the end. I probably should sell or give them away.

    I don't want to overdo this either so she thinks I'm obsessed. I don't want her to feel awkward or uncomfortable. I just wish she'd give me an idea if I'm overdoing it. She seemed happy to see me, just that she had a lot going. I really would love to see her again though.

    Thank you all again... Any piece of advice at this point will be taken into consideration gladly. :hugtackles:
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 20, 2009
  19. Disappear

    Disappear Well-Known Member

    OranageJulius, I know EXACTLY how you feel, I feel that way right now. Are you still in contact with her at all? Sorry I just scanned over the previous posts :)
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 20, 2009
  20. orangejulius

    orangejulius Well-Known Member

    Yes, she works for a rather big movie studio, and the project is finished and in theaters. I actually just went to it tonight, and I can't wait to tell her that I snapped a picture of her name in the credits!

    I can't wait to hear from her. God, it would suck if she decided to stop talking to me.

    That's okay if you scanned over my posts, I write a hell of a lot. I could probably put together a novel with all the emails I have between her an myself. I sometimes browse through them for a laugh. It makes me smile every time I read one of her experiences.

    I hope you find what you are looking for buddy. It sounds like we're in the same boat. Hugs!
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 20, 2009
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