I wasn't going to talk about this. I haven't really talked to anyone about it since it happened, because stuff like this tends to make a lot of the people in my life uncomfortable, but maybe it'll help to talk about it, I don't know. I was in a polyamorous relationship for four years. Now we're just two again, me and my legal husband. T, our third, died two months ago in a car accident. He was going to the store and a lady on her cell phone ran a red light and hit him square on the drivers side. It should have been me in that car. I was going to go, but T said he'd do it, he wanted to run some errands anyway. I would give anything in the world for it to have been me instead of him. The worst part about it is that no one except me, my husband, and a few other people that knew about the relationship understands just how hard this is. Most people think he was just our room-mate and a really good friend, and there's no way to explain it to them without freaking them out and causing trouble and bad feelings for everyone. It's hard for some people to understand, but I loved him as much as I love my legal husband. In my heart, they were the same. I miss him. I can't sleep knowing he's not there. When I finally do sleep, I dream about him and I wake up and he's not there and it hurts all over again. My husband is still here and that's the only thing that's kept me sane, or at least sane enough to functioin. He and T were really close, too, they had known each other since childhood. I try to be strong for him, but there's still a hole in my heart and every day T is gone it just seems to get bigger. He would want me to get up, dust myself off, and go on, but I don't think I can.