The blood flows...

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Perishable, Oct 17, 2007.

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  1. Perishable

    Perishable Well-Known Member

    :blink:
    As couragous as I have been these last couple months. I gave in to temptation. I have solemnly tried to keep straight edge. I have tried to avoid self-harm. I tried, and I failed...failed horribly.
    No I did not drink. I did not smoke. I did not go back to bulimia. I did not have ummoral sex. Even though those are all options I can easily turn to.

    I sat at my desk yesterday, listening to music to soothe my emotions.
    Did it aid? Not in the least of bit. I took out my pocket knife and looked at it for a while. So I carved an X into my wrist.
    Why?
    I had just gotten back from the doctors office and theres something wrong with me. I try every bit to make myself healthy. Make myself pure and clean. I eat only organic...No chemicals. I've been trying veganism for a year now. I exercise daily. Still, its something I cannot control. It pains that it is out of my hands. Im stressed. Exhuasted. Sick. Cranky.
    My mom is controlling and sadisticly minded.
    School is becoming complex. Work is something I enjoy but I am not scheduled enough. PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN!
    Mental pain, physical pain...
    My past is not so much of a burden anymore.
    My present pains me. My future seems to hold something bright, but my dark present and my pitch black past is too much of a contrast.
    It makes my future seem as a dream.
    I hate dreams. They aren't real. Never come true. And only exist in the mind. THEY ARE UNREACHABLE!
    I snapped back into the cruel reality I live in.
    Why does self mutilation make me feel so relieved?
    Is it that I have control? I know I have control issues since I have non of it.
    I have no control over my days because my mother is a bitch.
    I wish I could do as I please.
    Im not even allowed out doors. I haven't hung out with friends for months now because my mom doesnt trust me outside. I love the outdoors.
    I cant believe im sooo restricted. I cant even exercise outside. Im stuck in my room doing crunches. That is not sufficent.

    So now there is a gigantic X on my wrist. I slathered my blood all over one of my notebooks where I keep track of diet. Im thinking about letting go of my plans for success. Just drowning in this twisted adytum of mine and suffocating into an unloved death......................................*sighs*
     
  2. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    :hug::hug:
     
  3. Perishable

    Perishable Well-Known Member

  4. Will

    Will Staff Alumni

    It sounds like you live a pretty restricted lifestyle. What is causing you the pain? Pressure from everyday living is something I can see, and it's by no means helpful to be held down by all those rules. It seems like when you really clean your life up, and live everything smoothly and all, that it's almost too 'quiet'. And any little thing from allt he problems will trigger you and hit a nerve.

    Before you know it you're back at stage 1. It's a rough process. But everyone loses a little bit of the control we once had. Talk to someone, get some stuff bottled up, out. And just try to keep everything level. Because self-harm is alot like drugs and all that, you wanna stop but can't.

    Always here to talk, feel free to PM / MSN me or whatever. I hope you do well.
     
  5. Perishable

    Perishable Well-Known Member

    Just like drugs...addictive....
     
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