The bottle is all I have left...

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Joshy, Sep 5, 2014.

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  1. Joshy

    Joshy Well-Known Member

    Yesterday <mod edit - methods> while very drunk and depressed.. . I kept drinking so I would pass out to sleep and avoid suicide.

    Then I woke up this morning and my girlfriend got in a severe head-on collision car accident on her way to work. She broke multiple ribs, one of her bones sliced her and she has internal bleeding. She is in a coma now, and she wont wake up.

    Now I just got news my one and only friend in is leaving across the country because his girlfriend cheated on him so he can't live with her anymore and is moving back to his family in another state across the country. I now have no friends in real life.

    I'm 23, a drop-out and haven't been in school or worked on my GED in 8 years now, I don't have my drivers license, and I can't get a job even though I've been desperately really trying.

    I have no one left except my facebook friends who all are in their 14-16's and have their own lives and go to school, and are distant from me and have more important things going on for them in their life.

    I'm anorexic and I starve myself a lot. I'm an alcoholic since I was 13.

    <mod edit - methods>
    But I want her to wake up.... So I won't commit suicide. I just don't know what to do anymore except cry myself to sleep, drink myself to sleep, and chain-smoke while listening to depressing music and talking to my young internet friends who are trying their best to cheer me up.

    Everyday is just wake up, smoke, talk to internet friends, try to eat something, and go to sleep crying or drunk. I live with my brother who is trying to help me with a job and get me moving. It's just so fucking hard when I'm such a failure......

    I have Avoidant Personality Disorder, a hole in the left atrium of my heart so I get heart pains sometimes and have to take Carvedilol for it, and I get really bad anxiety attacks. I've also started to create delusions in my life.. And whenever I meet a stranger in real life, I give them all lies and create a false identity. Unless it's a job interview then I give them the truth, and keep it as professional and confident sounding as I possibly can.

    I was suppose to see a psychiatrist but my mother wont let me, she doesn't believe in disorders or problems. She doesn't want me to be crazy, she says everyone's normal it's just all in their head unless their a crazy psycho killer. She's very ignorant and stupid about the whole thing.. I'm considering trying to schedule a psychiatrist appointment soon without my mother knowing. I don't know if my health insurance will cover it and if I can hide it from my mother.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 5, 2014
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I'm sorry to read your post but your are important and deserve all the support from this forum. I saddened to hear about your girlfriend as no doubt she is the most precious thing in your life. I know it's easy to say but you need to limit the drink at the moment as it will not help you current situation. I hope you see the professional person as it will help you and give you a chance to talk to someone. Please keep posting and take care. Please do not do anything, we do care and keep remembering that.
  3. Joshy

    Joshy Well-Known Member

    Thank you very much... It means a lot. I thought no one would reply to this or care. Thank you very very very very much...
  4. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    hello josh.
    i am also in my 20s. and struggling with making irl friends and not leaving my house a lot. or telling the truth. i often twist it or imply other things irl. to hide all these problems.
    if you feel you can relate to that, we could talk sometime if you want.
    very sorry to hear about your mother's views on it. getting a doctor/psych costs a lot?

    keep in touch with the friend (who s moving away) anyway. it will help. have you got irl support about your gf situation? her family or friends? have you been to see her in hosp?
    at hosp inquire to a doctor about counselling, maybe, some is free. though it isn't a psych or as effective, i feel this step would help you if you choose to accept this advice
  5. W Miller

    W Miller Well-Known Member

    Hey Josh

    Yeah, I can relate to much of what you wrote, and are going through. I'm just sorry you have access to a ***. I would be afraid to have one, myself as, I 'm unsure I would've followed though, at times.

    I have no friends at all in real life. Only online friends. Met some nice people here, now. But, my only friend, is an online girl. She is the best thing that ever happened to me. You need friends (online speaking atm), that you can be yourself with. This is my case with her.

    This sucks that you are losing your only friend, and in this way. I get it!

    I don't have anorexia, but do have eating problem(s). We need food (healthy food), in order to maintain both physical, and mental health. Try to eat, when you can.

    Amway, I'm a functioning alcoholic, myself. While its our escape, it slowly (painfully) killing us. To just say stop, is stupid - especially when things are going to hell in a handbag.

    I've already said this today. Sometimes, we have to be the parent. If your family doesn't support you getting help, the are beyond foolish. I hope you don't mind me saying that. They would feel differently if something were to happen to you, and then it would be too late.

    Yep, go ahead with the appointment on you own, and be the adult. Too many times, adults let us down. Life has taught me a lot in my 40+ years, now.

    You can do it...
  6. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    You are 23 - you do not need to tell your mother what you are seeing a dr about and they cannot tell her. Neither can your insurance company - it is literally against the law for either the doctor or your insurance company to disclose anything to your mother unless you sign something specifically saying they can. So go get yourself treatment and try to get yourself into rehab for the alcoholism. It is not saving your life- it is the biggest issue toward what is killing you - you are deeply depressed and swallowing a few quarts of depressant every day while listening to your mother tell you not to take an anti depressant.

    Take Care of yourself and do something good for yourself today like go talk to a professional that has a chance of maybe getting you started towards a life that does not involve considering suicide all the time. I promise you even the most incompetent Doctor will be better at helping you get well then 14-15 year old kids on the internet which is what you are depending on now as a method of feeling better.
  7. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Your very welcome. Thank you for the nice comment. It means a lot.
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