Yesterday <mod edit - methods> while very drunk and depressed.. . I kept drinking so I would pass out to sleep and avoid suicide. Then I woke up this morning and my girlfriend got in a severe head-on collision car accident on her way to work. She broke multiple ribs, one of her bones sliced her and she has internal bleeding. She is in a coma now, and she wont wake up. Now I just got news my one and only friend in is leaving across the country because his girlfriend cheated on him so he can't live with her anymore and is moving back to his family in another state across the country. I now have no friends in real life. I'm 23, a drop-out and haven't been in school or worked on my GED in 8 years now, I don't have my drivers license, and I can't get a job even though I've been desperately really trying. I have no one left except my facebook friends who all are in their 14-16's and have their own lives and go to school, and are distant from me and have more important things going on for them in their life. I'm anorexic and I starve myself a lot. I'm an alcoholic since I was 13. <mod edit - methods> But I want her to wake up.... So I won't commit suicide. I just don't know what to do anymore except cry myself to sleep, drink myself to sleep, and chain-smoke while listening to depressing music and talking to my young internet friends who are trying their best to cheer me up. Everyday is just wake up, smoke, talk to internet friends, try to eat something, and go to sleep crying or drunk. I live with my brother who is trying to help me with a job and get me moving. It's just so fucking hard when I'm such a failure...... I have Avoidant Personality Disorder, a hole in the left atrium of my heart so I get heart pains sometimes and have to take Carvedilol for it, and I get really bad anxiety attacks. I've also started to create delusions in my life.. And whenever I meet a stranger in real life, I give them all lies and create a false identity. Unless it's a job interview then I give them the truth, and keep it as professional and confident sounding as I possibly can. I was suppose to see a psychiatrist but my mother wont let me, she doesn't believe in disorders or problems. She doesn't want me to be crazy, she says everyone's normal it's just all in their head unless their a crazy psycho killer. She's very ignorant and stupid about the whole thing.. I'm considering trying to schedule a psychiatrist appointment soon without my mother knowing. I don't know if my health insurance will cover it and if I can hide it from my mother.