The Bottomless Pit of Loneliness--How Do You Cope

I will try to make this short, because once I get on a role I could be here all night...

This is something that is tough--close to impossible to explain. The only thing I know to call it is loneliness. Where you can be in the midst of a croud of hundreds or even thousands of people and still feel isolated. And sometimes, the bigger the croud the more alone you feel.

I posted a more detailed sum of my situation in another thread ("Suicide and Sexual Identity") so I won't go over it again.

But it is a baffling thing to me. trying to figure out how I get over feeling isolated and trapped. I have been told that i need to love myself. And that's a whole other story in itself. But I have come to the point of really longing and panting after a significant other--a lover. the thing is i have fantasized about this for years. but now, Im tired of living in fantasy and I don't want to settle for anything less than the real thing.

But I know that even if Prince cherming came riding in on a white horse tonight, I'd politely ask him to get back on that horse and ride away into the sunset. It's such a contradiction--a catch-22. I want someone so badly, yet i know i'm not ready/prepared for that someone; hence, the trapped feeling. And I still find myself (like without control) looking at just about every guy that walks by. And let's not even talk about being in college and trying to concentrate on important scholastics, while every other guy looks like a model. i find myslef asking if it's a college or a modeling agency. lol... No it's just my lustful eyes.

I'm making light of it, but I seriously feel so lonely for someone. I have resorted to taking measures (boarderline stalkerish) that were far outside of my character, in the name of love. I know I would be called desperate. But I can accept the term. Because I am desperate to stop feeling this intense longingness. It interferes with literally everything I do. I feel that if I just had the support of a lover, it would greatly enhance/boost my life. But, i also don't want to be weak and dependent on another person to give me the strength that I need. So at this point, i am really going mental trying to figure what to do with my life to where it doesn't revolve around another person making me happy. It's just so tough to do anything constructive while feeling like I don't have support. I'm not saying i don't have support (from family, etc...). It just honestly feels like it's not there. How do I really get over this lack of motivation, to where I will be a stronger person and not feel that I need anyone?

 

We all live in a sort of push-pull, wanting ppl to be closer and yet, pushing them away...I found one person I could trust, and I used that relationship to find ways to get more intimate...it allowed me to have a way to relate to other ppl I loved...I hope you find someone who can be with you...it is work and sometimes very scary, but worth the price...big hugs, J

 

not sure i have any good advice but wanted to say i can totally relate to what you wrote, especially about being alone in a crowd. i can be out with friends and have to go hide in the bathroom and cry, i feel so alone. it's a terrible feeling. i try and remind myself how much i am loved but it doesn't always work. here's hoping you feel better soon.