The brick wall

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Fall of Efrafa, Feb 27, 2010.

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  1. Im a male of 35 years and have suffered from depression since my mid-teens, possibly inherited from my mother who has suffered several breakdowns and a suicide attempt. Most of my childhood memories are of seeing my mother in tears because she struggled so hard. She is ok now and it is good to see her relatively happy.
    I have had some pretty major bouts of depression, have cut my wrists when I was about 16 and have thought about ending my experience of life many times, made plans, set a date and all the rest.
    I once spent a week in bed after a failed relationship, not being able to move to even wash or feed myself. All I did was smoke weed for a week and stare at the wall in front of me. I came close to ending it then, had a rope around my neck but it was my ex that stopped me and she helped me alot during that time, even though she was the cause of my breakdown.
    I saw a councilor, after waiting 6 months or more to see one as there was a waiting list. By then I was feeling ok so the 5 sessions I had didnt help at all as I wasnt feeling it at the time so I felt like I had nothing to talk about. My life was going ok but there was always the feeling that the heavy weight I feel when Im depressed would land on me again one day. It has, to some extent, but for short periods of time and Ive just ridden it out and got through the other side and carried on as normal.
    Ive had a few friends who have taken their lives, 3 in the past 2 years, one of which was my daughters uncle, although it is not known if he intentionally took his own life. He died from a herion overdose, but he had a history of suicide attempts so I am inclined to believe he overdosed on purpose, to put himself to sleep.
    My daughter is near 10 years old and she lives on the other side of country from me. I rarely get to see her and I play a minimal part in her life. I have tried desperatly to move closer to her but there just are not any jobs where she lives. This is something I carry everywhere I go, it is always on my mind and sometimes its just too much to bare. I didnt meet her until she was 5 as her mother told me when she was born that I wasnt her father. She then spent the next 4 years living with someone who thought he was the father but as my daughter grew older it became obvious that he was not the father and that I am. She looks very much like me and has alot of the same characteristics, so now its a given that I am her dad and she has accepted me as so. This gives me something to live for but sometimes, like now, I just feel that she doesnt need me in her life and if I was gone, then it wouldnt take her long to forget me.
    I dont have many friends. Im a loner, mostly by choice. I used to have a wide circle of good friends but they have all moved on and I never see or hear from them anymore. Im not one for making new ones either as I am very introverted and so people I think, find me arrogant, but thats not it.
    I havent had even an incline of a relationship with a woman for well over a year. Ive given up on that stuff a long time ago. Women generally do not find me attractive, or more like I dont feel attractive to women in anyway. I am short and skinny and Im very girlish looking (pretty boy) and look very young for my age. I am very self conscious and have very low self esteem and I think people, women especially can see this in me and so keep a wide berth. I have had relationships but all turned to shit eventually, usually because of my negative way of thinking and my need for constant reasurrance. I would end up hating me to if I was in a relationship with me. Im a fucking nightmare.
    I have always been very creative and have some little talent in art and music and for the past 15 years I have tried to forge a career in music but many times I have seen my projects fail just when I thought I was about to break through. I cant see how Ive gone wrong when they do fail, its like the universe, or god or whatever doesnt want that for me. I am to stay as a below average human and I am to struggle, just like my mother did.
    I havent eaten for 2 days as I have no money and my kitchen is empty. I am in large amounts of debt to a friend who needs the money now, I havent got it and wont likely have it for some time. He hates me now.
    Tonight I was to be meeting some friends who invited me to a party. I cancelled last minute as I cant afford the taxi ride to get there. They think I am being unsociable, like I cant be bothered, and in a way they are right. I wouldnt enjoy myself very much anyway.
    Right now I see a very large and very thick brick wall in front of me and at the other side is the life I want but all I have is my bare hands to try and tare down that wall and tonight I want to give up. I cant claw at it anymore, my hands and my head hurt too much and that heavy feeling Ive had in the past is on me now and I feel like its crushing my chest, I can hardly breathe.
    Im stuck with nowhere to go and I feel my life is ended now, Im just gona rot alone in my pokey flat dreaming about being happy and being a good and positive influence in my daughters life but always knowing that in fact I am hopeless and I have nothing to offer this world. I wouldnt be missed much, not many would notice me gone, Ive been mostly forgotten about by those I used to know. If I do it then it wouldnt surprise most people I know, it may even be a relief for some people.
    I know my 'problems' and my attitude towards them pale in significane to alot of people's on here but its doesnt take away that feeling I have, nothing can shake it. I dont know how to stop it and as Im typing this dripping tears on my keyboard I can only see one way to make it stop.
    If I knew before I came to this earth what human experience was going to be like I wouldnt have bothered manifesting here.
    Im sorry to those that do read this. Im pathetic and should just pull myself together and man-up, I am ashamed of myself for feeling the way i do and for being the man that I am. I dont want to be me anymore but Im stuck with me until I choose to end my experience myself or slowly die later in life being tortured by the fact that I achieved nothing of significance, nothing I can be proud of.
    I feel crushed and in bits.
  2. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forum.

    I think you can be proud of fighting for so long. That's a huge achievement when you have been through so much.

    It does sound like things are very tough for you right now. Are you in the UK? I only ask because there are organisations who can potentially help with the debt and money situation over here. Obviously there are everywhere, but I don't know them elsewhere.

    Is there anyway you could go and stay with someone at the moment? so that you can have someone around you, to support you?

    Sometimes its very easy for us to convince ourself that people don't need us or would be better off without us, but its so rarely true. If you died it would haunt her and follow her for the rest of her life. You're her dad, and she needs you, no matter what.

    Have you ever sought professional help?

    You're very hard on yourself and very invalidating. I think your post shows a lot of inner strength, and I also think it was very articulate. I haven't seen any evidence that you're pathetic, just that you're hurting, and you're hurting because you're human. There's nothing wrong with admitting you hurt.
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Please don't apologize for posting. You aren't pathetic, and it's not your fault that you feel this way. I'm glad you reached out for some support.

    One thing I know is that your daughter wouldn't forget you. You're her father, and you play an important role in her life. I can relate to what you're going through with trying to find a job in another part of the country. I'm doing the same thing, and it's frustrating when you try so hard but aren't seeing any results.

    And just remember that your problems are just as important as everyone else's.
  4. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    I don't have much more to add as the other two replies have said it all and so well.

    I am offering my support to you and will continue to follow your posts and offer any way that I may be of help.

    If you feel more comfortable talking in PM feel free to write I am around-a loner by choice like you.

    I am glad you found SF, sounds to me like you are in the same spot I was when I came here and it has made all the difference in the world in my life...I am still here and almost was not!

    Please continue to post if only to get the emotions out so they do not fester inside. You will find that we can relate to you and have been through very similar things which is a comfort as we have made it through...there is a path out of this darkness there really is we just need to find your door and you will be much happier..there is always a door and it always opens from the side you are on...I suspect your daughter is part of the path out...your love for her shows through I hope you get to see her soon...for both of yours sake as she needs you very much.

    Again please do not hesitate to write in PM if you would like to.

    :arms: Bambi
  5. cownes

    cownes Well-Known Member

    YOU are not pathetic, and your problems are just as important as anyone elses on the site, i think if you were to end it your daughter would miss you greately, you are not thinking straight if you think this wouldnt affect her, or anyone else around you, you may not realise how much people around you care, untill its too late, you need to try and get some help and support from people around you, are you getting any proffesional help from anyone? please keep posting, and thank you for sharing so much information with us, you are in so much pain right now, and you deserve better, from your post you can see you have alot more inner strength than you are aware of, you have fought depression since your teens, you can keep fighting, make sure you break that brick wall down, and we will help you in any way we can :hug: take care!!
  6. I am in the UK yeah. Have been unemployed for over a year and finding it very hard to get a job, especially in the area that I want to move to. I have taken out a crisis loan several weeks ago and am now paying that back out of my JSA. Ive looked at taking out a loan so I can have enough to pay for a place to live near my daughter but I get rejected everytime. My credit score is very bad from when I was a student. Ive looked at an unsecured loan but cant find a guarantor, most people laughed at me when I asked or were pissed that I asked them. Although having no money is a contributing factor to my depression it is a small contribution. I dont mind so much that Im skint 99% of the time as when I do get money I spend it on travelling to see my daughter for the weekend and having no money for the next 2 weeks is worth it. Her mother doesnt understand that and gives me a very hard time for not being able to provide in the way she wants me to. I want to be able to provide for her but right now Im not in the position to and that hurts alot and still I get an ear bashing.
    I am unaware of organisations that may be able to help me. I feel like Ive tried everything, even sold the majority of my possesions to raise the cash to move but it all got swallowed up in other places, mostly to my friend who I owe money to.
    I dont have anywhere I can go right now. Im trapped in my flat. A friend was going to come over because I cancelled going to a party but then he called to say he couldnt make it. He was going to bring me food to, but thats ok, Im good at not eating. I think fasting can be healthy.
    The only professional help I have saught is with my GP who put me onto a councilor but had to wait half a year to see her. I was given meds but I binned them. I dont trust medication so much and dont see it as an answer.
    Thank you for your kind words. I do have a way of holding on but sometimes its like this black mist descends upon me when Im unprepared for it and suddenly Im choking and my world feels like a very small place, constricting even, like Im being blocked or held down.
    I love my child more than anything and she is the one reason I have not ended myself, I couldnt do it to her but she also has another 'dad', her mothers partner, who she is very fond of. Its destroying me knowing that I have been prevented from being the dad I want to be to her and she is growing so fast and the precious years are falling through my fingers, until I can find a way of moving close to her but it appears to me to be the hardest thing in the world to do.
  7. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    The job situation is in such a mess that it's not a surprise things are so hard for you to find a job, especially in a different area.

    I was going to suggest going to the Citizens Advice Bureau because they cover all sorts of different aspects, including money, any other benefits you may be entitled to, stuff like that. Might be worth a trip, even if it turns out to be of no use.

    I would suggest going back to your GP and explaining the situation. It may be they can offer you something else. You could also try places like MIND and saneline to see what they can offer in your area (they can offer things like support groups, or befrienders, stuff like that), it might help to know there are options. There may also be organisations around that help those with mental health problems back into work, which may also be worth looking into.

    I really hear your love for your daughter and how much it hurts you to be apart from her. Whether you're living close or not, you're still her dad. She may have a step dad, but that's not you. right now you're not living as close as you want, but hopefully soon, you can be, or at least able to travel down to see her more often.
  8. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    I agree your love shows through very much and I believe that soon you will be living nearer to your daughter, this economy is so hard on us all it really is so please be gentle with yourself and go easy on YOU.

    Do you think you could check out the options listed above? That sounds like something good will come of it.

    I am here and listening to you so please continue to post.

    Love Bambi
  9. Thank you everyone who replied to my post. I feel a little better now I have been able to get this off my chest. I was at bursting point and felt pretty desperate a few hours ago.
    @Scum: I have tried C.A.B but where I live its very hard to get to see anyone and they prefer that everything is done over the phone if possible. They have one morning a week that people can drop by there and the que is always huge.

    I have applied for so many jobs this past few months but havent been offered even a single interview. I keep thinking my best option is to move closer to my daughter first then search the area to find work, by actually showing my face to potential employers. I may even just pack a bag and go there, even if it means sleeping rough for a while.

    I will go back to my GP and I will also speak to MIND. Im aware of the organisation as Ive known people who have been housed by them but their problems were very severe indeed. It would be a bonus just to have someone from MIND or elsewhere listen to me and maybe tell me what options I have.
  10. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    That's very frustrating about the CAB, my local one is so different, plus you can make an appointment, which also makes it easier. Is there a town a bit further away you could try? Bit tough given the money situation though.

    Do you think maybe your daughter's mother might be able to put you up for a few days so you can do some serious job hunting their way?

    It's good you will try MIND and your GP again. MIND can be excellent and, depending on the branch, can offer a wide variety of support. There will also be therapists around that could offer free sessions, or sessions for a donation if you can afford one, so it may be worth looking for those too, to see if you can potentially find someone to talk to and someone who can hear you, that way.
  11. Ive asked my daughters mum to help me out before but she doesnt give a shit about me. She has stopped me moving up there before but I wont go into detail here as its very complicated but put it this way, I quit a very good job to move up there and gave her rather alot of money I had saved up, then she ignored me for a month. This was xmas '08 and I didnt get to speak to my daughter at all during that time as all my calls were ignored. I came pretty close to ending myself on xmas day and the week or so that followed was a very bad time for me. Tried to get my job back but they filled it as soon as I left amounst other things.

    I shall look into the possibility of seeing a therapist although Im not sure where to start. I guess my GP could tell me where I could find one that may offer a free session or 2. I do feel like I need to talk to someone in the flesh, someone who I dont know, who will have an objective view and can help me see things from a differant perspective.

    I feel so much better now although the feeling is still there deep inside me, Im just not so consumed by it, or as scared as I felt before I found this forum.

    You are all angels. :plat:
  12. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Broken you are an angel to ya know. Nice to have met you and hope you sleep well knowing you have new friends that care about you and a place where you can come 24/7 for support and caring....we love you Bambi
  13. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Oh what a messy situation. I'm glad you didn't do it, and I'm sure your daughter is (even though she doesn't know).

    With regards to a therapist, you can ask at MIND and also try the Counselling Directory, also I imagine CAB will know (not that they are much help), and also check out your yellow pages. Your GP should know if there is anything free or anything drop in in your area. It may be that you need to see your GP more often and that may be helpful. When you see him, please make sure you tell the full truth about how bad you feel.

    I'm glad your feelings have eased somewhat. You rode them out well, even if it felt horrible. If they come on again, intensely, remember what worked this time and hopefully you can find yourself out the other side very quickly.

    I hope you stick around if you find this place useful.

    I'm going to bed shortly, but I hope you manage to get a good sleep tonight and that tomorrow (or later today) is a fresh day.
  14. I managed to get a decent amount of sleep last night but I woke up fairly early and I feel drained, empty, vacuous. I am so hungry, my 3rd day without food, just cups of tea to keep me going but some small amount of money comes my way tomorrow so I shall shop and stock up on the food I like. It gives me something to look forward to if even such a trivial thing.
    Those feelings I had last night have not gone away, but they have become something else. Im numb, no energy at all, I dont want to leave my flat to even go for a short walk even though it may help me feel a little better.
    I sense that another cycle has begun and came on last night. I know this feeling well and I see the dark clouds looming over me and I know this will last for several days or even weeks and if I get through it, I know that suddenly one morning I will wake up and I will feel great, almost the complete opposite to how I feel now. I know this as its happened so many times but its when Im at my lowest points that I have the serious thoughts of ending myself. I hope I can ride it out again.
    I am glad that I have found this place though. It's helped me alot.
  15. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you have managed to get some sleep, although I'm sorry you're hungry. Hopefully tomorrow you can get some good, decent, cheap food to last you a while. I don't think that's a trivial thing to look forward to at all, any positive is important.

    It's hard when you can see or feel yourself sliding down a hole, especially when you know the cycle well, but I would say that it may be possible to stop the slide. Even though you don't feel like it, could you go out for a walk?

    I wonder if this down could be related to lack of food because when you don't get energy to your brain it does tend to have an effect similar to this, and I wonder if maybe if you could eat something it might help to ease how you feel, particularly the lack of energy. Could you ask your mum for a pound or something to buy some bread and beans, something like that?

    I'm glad SF has helped you so far :) Hopefully we can keep on helping.
  16. My mother is away for a week but my friend who was to come over last night said he would come today, get me stoned, watch a movie and order pizza. Im not counting on it though as he is rather unreliable. I figured I would try and ride it out as later today the hunger will subside, as long as I keep drinking liquids. Ive intentionally fasted for 3 days a few times, as a kind of spiritual cleansing and then when I did eat, I have eaten well, as a kind of celebration and this has made me feel much better. I think I will do that tomorrow, if my friend doesnt make it to mine today.
    I think I will go for that walk, even though its raining, at least it will be quiet at the park. I get quite anxious when there are lots of people about. Paranoia gets the better of me if I hear a group of people laughing and sometimes if I walk past an attractive woman I look at the floor and imagine that she is disgusted at my appearance.
    I do smoke weed, and sometimes rather alot, but I only ever smoke indoors and if Im stoned I dont go outside as I become very self conscious. I do realise that cannabis could be a contributing factor to my depression but am I depressed because I smoke or do I smoke because Im depressed? It does help alot when I am stoned but Im in no way addicted. I can take it or leave it but if its there, I will take it.
  17. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Given you know the risks of getting stoned, I'll spare you the lecture, just suggest that you think about your reasons behind doing it, especially if you want to break free from this downer. It doesn't actually solve anything productively.

    I hope your friend proves at least somewhat reliable today and does bring you food.

    I also hope you have a nice wander. I've been pottering about in the garden in the rain this morning and it's actually quite warm, and not too bad when you are sheltered from the wind.

    It's very easy to project our bad thoughts about ourselves onto someone else and presume they think the same, but often those people haven't considered those thoughts, or they haven't even considered us (especially when it comes down to strangers being outside). Try to remind yoruself that just because you think those things about yoruself doesn't mean others do too.

    It sounds like you have very low self esteem, do you think maybe it might be worth trying to improve that?
  18. Having very low self esteem is something I have been battling with for most of my life. I have tried many ways to try and root out the cause of it but it always comes back. Ive tried loving myself but its hard when I think Im unlovable and Im filled with self loathing. This has ruined quite a few relationships in the past. When I have those thoughts that strangers judge me negatively I try and be aware that they most likely do not have an opinion, much like I dont hold an opinion of them but it doesnt stop the voice in my head. I tense up alot when I walk past someone on the street or in the park.
    I had an incident a few years ago that has stuck with me but its such a silly thing that I dont know why I reacted the way I did.
    Im going for that walk now and will try and be confident enough to feel like I have just as much a right to be outside, walking alone in the park without feeling that people think Im weird or something.
    Thanks for taking an interest in my posts scum. I feel I ramble on a little to much but since I discovered this forum I off loading alot. There's much more too. :-o
  19. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Low self esteem can be hard to combat. Have you thought of doing anything like volunteering? Especially given you're not currently in work.

    Do you want to talk about that incident? I don't think it was silly if it has been something you have struggled with ever since.

    I hope you have a nice walk :)

    Its good you feel able to offload here; talk as much as you want :)
  20. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Hi, Just stopping in to say hello, let you know I have been thinking of you and to see how you are doing.

    I hope you enjoyed your walk it is great therapy to get out into nature for me and I need to do it more often that is for sure.

    Take care and hope to hear back from you....we are here for you and we care.

    Love Bambi
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