Im a male of 35 years and have suffered from depression since my mid-teens, possibly inherited from my mother who has suffered several breakdowns and a suicide attempt. Most of my childhood memories are of seeing my mother in tears because she struggled so hard. She is ok now and it is good to see her relatively happy. I have had some pretty major bouts of depression, have cut my wrists when I was about 16 and have thought about ending my experience of life many times, made plans, set a date and all the rest. I once spent a week in bed after a failed relationship, not being able to move to even wash or feed myself. All I did was smoke weed for a week and stare at the wall in front of me. I came close to ending it then, had a rope around my neck but it was my ex that stopped me and she helped me alot during that time, even though she was the cause of my breakdown. I saw a councilor, after waiting 6 months or more to see one as there was a waiting list. By then I was feeling ok so the 5 sessions I had didnt help at all as I wasnt feeling it at the time so I felt like I had nothing to talk about. My life was going ok but there was always the feeling that the heavy weight I feel when Im depressed would land on me again one day. It has, to some extent, but for short periods of time and Ive just ridden it out and got through the other side and carried on as normal. Ive had a few friends who have taken their lives, 3 in the past 2 years, one of which was my daughters uncle, although it is not known if he intentionally took his own life. He died from a herion overdose, but he had a history of suicide attempts so I am inclined to believe he overdosed on purpose, to put himself to sleep. My daughter is near 10 years old and she lives on the other side of country from me. I rarely get to see her and I play a minimal part in her life. I have tried desperatly to move closer to her but there just are not any jobs where she lives. This is something I carry everywhere I go, it is always on my mind and sometimes its just too much to bare. I didnt meet her until she was 5 as her mother told me when she was born that I wasnt her father. She then spent the next 4 years living with someone who thought he was the father but as my daughter grew older it became obvious that he was not the father and that I am. She looks very much like me and has alot of the same characteristics, so now its a given that I am her dad and she has accepted me as so. This gives me something to live for but sometimes, like now, I just feel that she doesnt need me in her life and if I was gone, then it wouldnt take her long to forget me. I dont have many friends. Im a loner, mostly by choice. I used to have a wide circle of good friends but they have all moved on and I never see or hear from them anymore. Im not one for making new ones either as I am very introverted and so people I think, find me arrogant, but thats not it. I havent had even an incline of a relationship with a woman for well over a year. Ive given up on that stuff a long time ago. Women generally do not find me attractive, or more like I dont feel attractive to women in anyway. I am short and skinny and Im very girlish looking (pretty boy) and look very young for my age. I am very self conscious and have very low self esteem and I think people, women especially can see this in me and so keep a wide berth. I have had relationships but all turned to shit eventually, usually because of my negative way of thinking and my need for constant reasurrance. I would end up hating me to if I was in a relationship with me. Im a fucking nightmare. I have always been very creative and have some little talent in art and music and for the past 15 years I have tried to forge a career in music but many times I have seen my projects fail just when I thought I was about to break through. I cant see how Ive gone wrong when they do fail, its like the universe, or god or whatever doesnt want that for me. I am to stay as a below average human and I am to struggle, just like my mother did. I havent eaten for 2 days as I have no money and my kitchen is empty. I am in large amounts of debt to a friend who needs the money now, I havent got it and wont likely have it for some time. He hates me now. Tonight I was to be meeting some friends who invited me to a party. I cancelled last minute as I cant afford the taxi ride to get there. They think I am being unsociable, like I cant be bothered, and in a way they are right. I wouldnt enjoy myself very much anyway. Right now I see a very large and very thick brick wall in front of me and at the other side is the life I want but all I have is my bare hands to try and tare down that wall and tonight I want to give up. I cant claw at it anymore, my hands and my head hurt too much and that heavy feeling Ive had in the past is on me now and I feel like its crushing my chest, I can hardly breathe. Im stuck with nowhere to go and I feel my life is ended now, Im just gona rot alone in my pokey flat dreaming about being happy and being a good and positive influence in my daughters life but always knowing that in fact I am hopeless and I have nothing to offer this world. I wouldnt be missed much, not many would notice me gone, Ive been mostly forgotten about by those I used to know. If I do it then it wouldnt surprise most people I know, it may even be a relief for some people. I know my 'problems' and my attitude towards them pale in significane to alot of people's on here but its doesnt take away that feeling I have, nothing can shake it. I dont know how to stop it and as Im typing this dripping tears on my keyboard I can only see one way to make it stop. If I knew before I came to this earth what human experience was going to be like I wouldnt have bothered manifesting here. Im sorry to those that do read this. Im pathetic and should just pull myself together and man-up, I am ashamed of myself for feeling the way i do and for being the man that I am. I dont want to be me anymore but Im stuck with me until I choose to end my experience myself or slowly die later in life being tortured by the fact that I achieved nothing of significance, nothing I can be proud of. I feel crushed and in bits.