So I know I'm new here, and it's ok if yall don't respond since you don't know me. But it's 2 am and I just really, really need to vent. I stumbled on this forum by accident and it does help knowing that I'm not alone in feeling hopeless. I guess everything comes down to... money and men. First of all, I need to make lots of cash on a regular basis. Not for myself, mostly, but because I need to support my mom. She's 59 years old, just got over cancer, lost her job, no prospects of getting another one soon. She's going to depend on me financially for the rest of her life. I'm a 21-year old full time college student and I'm trying to give her $1000 per month, and it's killing me. $1000 isn't nearly enough but it's already more than I can do. See, I'm a stripper. I know all of you probably think strippers make buckets of money every night, but not all of us do. I don't, not in LA. I've been down here for almost two weeks and the money is even worse than when I left in June. It's gotten so that I can't stand the stress of going into work knowing that I'll leave with not nearly enough money to reward my efforts. I couldn't make myself go in Tuesday or tonight. Just sat at home on my ass and sulked. I have another plan for getting cash, but I hate the idea. In a month I'll have my license and be able to buy a car, and then if I can't find a decent club within driving distance I'll have to start escorting. Lacking a car is all that prevents me from escorting now. I'll make myself do it to make ends meet, but I hatehatehatehatehate doing stuff with people I don't want to be with. When things were tight at the beginning of last summer, I got myself a sugar daddy. Not that he ever meant to be anything but kind to me, but I LOATHED spending time with him. I would walk out my front door and immediately start feeling anxious, thinking about what it would be like to have to smile and nod and agree with everything he said like a little doll, and then later climb in his bed and do what I had absolutely no desire for while pretending that I enjoyed it. Now that I've moved back to LA, I'll have to go through the painful, dangerous process of meeting a new guy and then I'll have to fuck him. My parents have no idea what I do. My mom is very right-wing, very Catholic and she thinks I'm a day shift bartender. (Yeah right! Like I would ever have been able to give her as much money as I have this summer, bartending on day shift.) My dad doesn't ask. So, that's the money part. Now the MEN: Basically, I don't trust hardly any of them. I've been burned enough to suspect, anytime a guy is nice to me, that he secretly just wants to get in my pants. I've had guys be as sweet as pie to me, listen to everything I say, and then I find out later that when I wasn't around all they could talk about was how they thought they might have a shot at boning me. Or, about how they WERE boning me. I've never had any platonic male friends. Of all the male friends I have, I worry that not one would stand by me if I got disfigured. I hate that they are just hoping for sex - but you know what's worse? Having guys NOT want sex! Shy and reserved as I am in general, I feel like no one would ever notice me if I didn't take pains to look nice. And it's better to be leered at than to be invisible. All these feelings have really led me to hate men. Really, hate them. I like individual ones, but I always have to be wary around them, figure out their intentions. And I hate the gender as a whole. I realize that's not gonna make me popular around here, but I just need to get that off my chest. I do fantasize about ending it, but realize that my mother would have to be gone first... and then things take a really dark turn, because that's when I start wishing my mother would... well, you know. Twisted. I guess it's time to sleep.