The Bus Stop Diaries

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Friend, May 9, 2010.

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  1. Friend

    Friend Well-Known Member

    Hello everyone. So, I'm Friend, I'm 30 years old and male. I'm here because I have a physical disability (severe chronic low back pain with arthritis - but get no disability money), I have a mental disability (brain damage from past suicide attempts and drug addictions, as well as PTSD and major depression/anxiety from life - no disability money for this either), and because I've recently, in the last five years lost all the faith that I had in God and have become an agnostic-atheist (which isn't a very good place to be at in my honest opinion). So I am no longer mentally, physically, or spiritually sound. Maybe I hope that life were too idealistic at times, maybe it's my opinion that any life lived short of Heaven On Earth is a life simply not worth living, let alone to be mentally, physically, and spiritually all screwed up, it's too exhausting and completely heart-breaking on a daily basis. So to me the only thing that makes sense now is to exit, you can even safely say that I am obsessed with exiting. If we were to compare that to a tree then those things could be considered my roots at this point, and there's a whole bunch of bad branches and fruits that have sprung out from that lethal (in my opinion) combination, but I'm too tired to go into the branches and veins on each leaf. In addition, I also know that there isn't any "quick fix" for my problems. I know that we're just typing back and forth to one another, but let's keep in mind that there is a real person on the other side of that text; I find that I need to remind myself of that pretty often. So that's why I'm here at Mad-Season, and similiar to the angst of waiting at a bus station by oneself nervously awaiting a long trip, I hope to share and listen to other people's stories, people who might be catching the bus at around this same time as me. I admit I am sorry for being here.
  2. Friend

    Friend Well-Known Member

    This society has no place for the mentally ill. No safe corner. Work (that's IF you are sane enough to have other employees tolerate you, usually we are left without work permanentally - I can't find work anywhere), Family (that's IF you have a loving family who is willing to give you a spot in their home rent-free - I don't), Unemployment (that's IF you're lucky enough to get it - I'm not), SSI (that's IF you're lucky enough to get it - I'm not), welfare (that means food, not rent - I do get $150/mo in foodstamps - yeehaw), the happy halls of psychiatry and 72-hr holds (that's IF you believe that big pharma has your best interests in mind - I don't), Prison (that's IF you're humble enough to consider such living standards as acceptable - I don't), death (that's IF the pain in your life exceeds the amount of hope you might have for a better future - Mine does).

    The whole setup is a fucking joke. We are left cycling through homeless shelters, spending our days digging cans out of trash cans, humiliated as we're laughed at while carrying them all over town, turn them in for enough money for a beer and a bag of rolling tobacco to keep ourselves sane. Are we homeless because we drink, REALLY? Or, do we drink because we are homeless? I do have the answer to that question. I find myself seriously pondering lately how many of my acquaintances from past shelters have already met their demise. I consider that out of 100 of them that I knew fairly well, perhaps 35% have died. I am simply one of those who wasn't strong enough, nor had the desire to, make it. Yes, I probably could humble myself to accept shelters or prison living, stay doped up on anti-depressants and benzos to cope, convince myself that that is all I deserve in life, but the thing is, I don't WANT to any more. I don't want to make the situation work. I still have a few things to do before I die so I need a bit more time to get things in order, but in the meantime, I have to put up with people asking me if I've been sending my resume out! HA! Good fucking luck with THAT one!! My resume are you fucking kidding me? In this depressed economy there is NO place for someone like me who has incredibly long "gaps in employment" on a resume, and even if there were a place, I wouldn't want it! So go ahead and blame it all one me, tell me "Well if that's your attitude, then don't be surprised that you're out on the streets, where you belong"! Don't worry I've heard it a million times already! But the thing is, I don't even fucking care any more, I view you from a distance.

    Let me explain something to you in mathematical terms so that you can understand it on a logical level. Let's say a person has a 100% desire to live, that means they have a 0% desire to die. Let's also look at the person who has a 0% desire to live, that means that they have a 100% desire to die. This is how suicidal people are classified and I have no problem with it. On a bad day, I have a 0% desire to live and a 100% desire to die. On a good day, I have a 15% desire to live and a 85% desire to die. This means that at any given time I am in the 85%-100% desire to die category. How about you, what bracket do you fall in? That is why I view you from a distance, we are not living on the same planet. I hope that your life works out for you and I try and post quotes and things to inspire you, the living. But I'm just trying to help you understand the difference, why some people are around for a month and then in fact commit suicide. And why others are around for years before they do it. I know how it feels to be in the 50% bracket and I don't envy them, I tell you I don't miss those days now, though I admit they were somewhat enjoyable. Anyways, just had to vent, it's all I could think to do while I'm "supposed" to be "working on my resume". Yeah right. Looks like this month is going to be a torturous one. I honestly hope you all are doing better than me.
  3. Friend

    Friend Well-Known Member

    I'm an agnostic, in that I admit that I don't know and I also admit that you don't know. Everyone is free to have their differing beliefs and opinions though, and personally I don't have even the faintest trace of a problem with differing points of view. Myself I do believe in heaven and hell, but I think that they might be a bit different from what the common interpretations are. "Eternal fire" could mean so many different things to so many different people. However, I do not believe that it is easy to go to hell, I think a person has to try very, very hard, and for a very long time, to move in that direction. I have done an amazing amount of evil deeds in my life but I do not feel in my soul that I am heading for a space of strife in the hereafter. I don't know how close you are but I am very close to the crack in between the worlds, and I can tell you that right here the whole world feels completely different and surreal. I now, to be sure, hold a completely different set of values than most everyone else on the planet, those who are planning on sticking around for so much more time. Anyways, my intuition suggests that I will go through a period of "tribulation" and strife after I ctb, this wil be temporary in order for me to 'confront my demons' or whatever, and after (successfully I hope) doing so I think that I will go to some sort of cosmic paradise, of one form or another. Either the literal biblical thing of milk & honey and sitting on clouds playing harps reuinted with loved ones long ago lost, or more of a cosmic gel thing in the sense of Robert Monroe's out of body experiences. I contemplate that it could go either way. I also contemplate that none of it might exist, and I could just blank out into nonexistance, no atoms, no cells, no memory, no energy, only nothing with nothing there to recognize it for being nothing. Just zap, and gone. Personally I would prefer that that is exactly what happens, but I don't feel in my soul that nonexistence is how it's going to go. So, long story short, after death I expect a period of substantial confrontation of my issues, maybe for a month or so, before being allowed to go to some other place, a place which I feel will be good, and substantially better than this planet. Just my opinion as an agnostic who fully admits that he doesn't know.

    Here's an interesting thought though:

    "We don't know where we come from
    We don't know where we're going to
    And if all this should have a reason
    Then we would be the last to know
    So let's all hope there is a promised land
    And hang on till then as best as we can"

    John Kay
  4. Friend

    Friend Well-Known Member

    Actually my last post wasn't entirely accurate. I should've said that that reflected what I 'used' to believe. I used to be extremely devout and, indeed, had an incredible amount of faith. In fact I abandoned "success" for the life as a wandering sage even for a number of years, nevertheless, due to recent experiences in the last five years, unfortunately I find that I no longer believe at all. My faith has been shaken to its core until exploding into a gazillion different scattered and meaningless pieces. And just to be clear, this didn't happen because of anything that happened to me, but rather it happened because of the pain which I witnessed firsthand year-after-year in another person's life. To go from having such extreme faith to inhabiting a cruel, dark Godless world, that is truly void of any meaning and/or purpose, simply beyond what I can bare as an entity and of course this plays a tremendous role in why I've decided to jump on the bus just as soon as I get my ticket. I guess I forgot that I no longer believe in a Creator, that's pretty bizarre. Another reminder of just how confused I've become (gotta love the residual brain damage left over from failed suicide attempts).
  5. Friend

    Friend Well-Known Member

    I realize now in my life's journey that I have a seriously ill family. They are mean, all of them. I recognized this in myself over a decade ago and so I pursued religion. I went on to study the Bible, Buddhism, New Age beliefs, and last but by no means least, Christian Mysticism. I learned meditation and made great progress in recognizing the root of my ill feelings, the abuse, the cruelty, the jealousy and envy, the competitor, I saw those feelings as if they were clouds in a sky and watched them as they were, led them down into the heart where they were allowed to be let go. I truly changed as a person. I became like a guru for people, whatever the situation I had the advice, I was homeless and had nothing yet I was at peace and people could clearly see it, so clearly I had something to offer. This became my life for several years; the homeless bum who somehow was happy and reminded everyone to be good and thankful for what they do have in their lives.

    This worked out just fine for me for a while, until I lost my family (wife & kids - long story), and I had to return back to my own family. For me this was like returning back to an ancient past, the one that I had worked so hard to escape from. At this point life was no longer so easy, I had to face the abusers themselves and try and tell them to let it all go as well, that life here on earth was just a temporary station and that we needed to treat others as best as we could, and love ourselves. This is where the real problems started for me, and with the realization: Just because you pursue wisdom does not mean that 'they' did. And oh is it ever so hard to be around 'them' again, the abusers, the jealous, the straight up liars. If only I could take those 5,000 pages of religious instruction I studied, and what I learned from it, and simply transfer it into their hearts. But alas, life is not so idealistic. The hard cold facts I face now are that I live around abusers, they constantly try and frame me, scapegoat me, and really just flat out ignore me uncaringly. This is quite the hard pill to swallow when you have nothing else left in the world to turn to. Now I find myself in a room at my mom's house (where she herself rents a room), cannot find work in this town, do not like the people here, they do not like me, and I see little light on the horizon. I am 30 and living at "home", what could possibly be more pathetic? I suppose it wouldn't be so bad if they were a loving family, but they're not. They are selfish and only think of themselves and their own pain, their own situations. I am a burden, a useless eater. I am nothing but a problem here.

    Many people seem to wish that they've been through more with their lives. I've been through quite a lot, by 30 I have already been through two marriages and two divorces, have two kids that unfortunately don't know me (another long story - you can thank their mothers, oh and after you hear the story, you can thank their mothers still), I dropped out of school when I was 15 and left home, was a drug addict for a few years where all I did was use all the drugs you can even think of and then some when I was in my teens, been in mental wards, jails, been a very talented musician, met many people, oh I've lost many people. In fact I've lost the #1 person in my life, though he was a man and I'm straight he was my soul mate, my brother and best friend. The only one who ever knew me is simply gone. They say it is better to have loved and to have lost than to have never loved at all. But I'm not so sure of how true that one is, maybe it is, and that's a big *maybe*. Because I find that I can't deal with the pain any longer, is that supposedly better than something?

    I find myself close to suicide daily now. I don't know what to do with my life. My family is mean and well mentally ill, that's just the fact of the matter. I suppose that it's in our genes and that I am mentally ill as well. There is no doubt at all that I fit the "bi-polar manic depressive disorder' description to a T, nevertheless, please don't try and push meds on me because they've never helped me and frankly they're addictive, I've had enough problems with addictions in my past. They hurt my soul. Talking to therapists and psychiatrists has done nothing for me, and I mean nothing. They regurgitate what I myself have already told them, where is the brilliant analysis in that? Who me? I am unemployed, no unemployment check, no welfare, no SSI or disability money of any kind, no wife, no friends, and well, not much in the way of family. I find myself at a serious crossroads here, this is no longer a laughing matter, I could kill myself or maybe I should join a monastery and become a barefoot monk. I can't seem to land a job so what is the point of pursuing anything else? I am expendable, one of the masses without a voice, so here I am on this forum where there's really no one around that can "help" me. No, if anything the best I can do is to help you, by sharing my story. Someone out there will read this and say "oh fuck yeah, that I can hear, that I know," and that's my only goal here. I may not be around very much longer, but I'd just like to say I tried, but I'm tired of trying, I'm tired of the fight, because there's really nothing left to fight for. There is no point. I will be dead soon, and there's not much I can say about that. The hardest part for me has been dealing with the fear, I worry that I will be punished, I worry that it will be painful, I worry that I will be caught and "saved" (tortured more like). I just want to fall asleep and never wake up, and that is exactly what I'm going to do. If you folks have found help I am glad for you. I truly wish you the best.
  6. Friend

    Friend Well-Known Member

    May 3rd, 2010 - Yell some more fuckers, because you are stupid, emotional, fucking vampires. Yell it all out, scream your heads off at each other, because you are little irresponsible babies in diapers that can't cope or formulate your thoughts into coherent peaceful speech, scream it all out! That's what is going to help! Exactly THAT! Fuck, I can feel it in every pore of my body, my legs vibrate, I live around demons, is it any wonder I'm leaving? Do you have some special advice to give me? Don't you think? Don't you think that if there was a better possible situation for me, that somehow, I would've taken that trip already, to wherever that horse water might be? Make sense? But I'm taking the trip, the ultimate FUCK YOU to family, society, govt, and the planet itself. "Why would he do it? Just kill himself like that?" I can hear it now, swarming through their minds, but not for long, they wouldn't think about it for too long who am I kidding? That is the peace though you see, like a wave of codeine washing over you, the silence in my death, the silence over them, the silence over me, silent now from all the world. You don't hear me, and I don't hear you.
  7. Friend

    Friend Well-Known Member

    May 5th, 2010 - Friend is the name, and suicide is my game, and don't you forget it! I've decided to keep a journal during my last days, much of this is written old school with pen and paper in a secret place that I have in a field. And it is here where I come to drink, alone, to escape from the angst-ridden world for a bit to ponder all things philosophical. I hope that my journal is found to be interesting for you, maybe even visionary at times. My birthday is in about three months, and I intend to ctb a bit before then. So if I ever do not post for a couple of weeks then you will know. I hope that all of us may one day find the peace that we so deeply and whole-heartedly seek.

    I come here to get away from the lies inside, which lead to screaming and miscommunication, to get away from the overall societal lie is my ultimate goal. I'm sort of a peace-loving and funny pacifist, though I doubt that anyone whom I now know can tell. In fact there is a gang about 100 feet from me now, just on the other side of the tracks, but I am not worried, I know how to defend myself and I don't have to worry if people can tell or not. In fact I'm not worried, here I sit and I probably relate much more with them than I ever could with those who have made it in life. So what are a dying man's thoughts exactly? Well, they're probably a little something along the lines of this.

    Once upon a time there was a boy growing up in a magical land. A land of sweeping irridescent blue skies and bountiful glowingly-green flora. And the humans around him glowed also with the same, having grown themselves from maybe not the same source but the same environ. But unbeknownst to these ones there was a dark force creeping onto the land, a force that was secretly growing every day, causing physical tension in the people's minds, and causing the people to divide themselves more and more. Eventually several years pass, decades even, and the boy has grown much as the darkness has. He looks around the world and can't find himself in it, when he does he is sad, he sees himself tattooed, physically scarred, and emotionally scarred, from so many who had at some point been swallowed by the darkness themselves. His memories of a magical land full of beautiful relationships have now been buried beneath a trash heap of unfortunately unforgettable experiences in what the people now refer to as the "new world". Because of this, his body and mind both have been destroyed. "Find work, you can't just lie around like a worthless pile of dump!" "I'd work if I could but my back isn't worth anything at all, plus their simply aren't any jobs out there any more, no one's hiring!" And so it goes daily inside a tear the conversations played out, dropping until dissolved within a purple hazy flame. The boy is now a man, "and a worthless one at that," he thinks as he sits on rocks and little shards of broken glass, surrounded by a field to the west, and a community of darkness to the east. He thinks some more about it and realizes that the fields have only provided so much sustenance over the years, he has also depended on the darkness to sustain himself. Still he doesn't quite feel fully like a product of his environment. He tried to remember the magical land that he once knew and lived in so fully, that he thought it could never morph into anything other than, and wonders silently to himself just how much the dark forces he has become. "This is certainly not what I expected, and I certainly don't sense any reason to put any more effort here," he ponders to himself, "if the punishment has gotten to the point where even my body punishes myself now, and there is no reward, then what is the use, and what is the point. I am not a robot, and so what is your point?" Only silence resumes in confirmation that there isn't a point, it was all just lies. "I am leaving," he thinks, as three turkey vultures were circling over him which he hadn't noticed. "You leave and we feed, but they'll never let you, another tax payer they do need!" they sing in sync with one another while dancing a serious tango in the air. "You were all the while up there yet I wasn't aware, but how dare you sing that for taxes I should care!" he shouts back. And offended the three vultures leave him behind, flying to some other place that is, "out of view," he thinks to himself, "I know the message it's true, so it is only a matter of time before I fly away too." And thus was the tragedy in this new world of darkness, it was omniprescent except for one exit, a bus which arrived once daily. The only catch being, once you boarded this bus, there was no getting back off of the bus, no changing your mind option, and no one in the whole entire land not even one soul, knew to where exactly this bus flew. So he sits at the bus stop and ponders his predicament, he wonders if he is the only one who feels this exact feeling, today, he knows he will soon board, but first he must write something in the bus stop log book, an entry, first he must leave his signature.

    I stare at this book, the world in here, at the world out there, back at the book, the world, book, and I wonder if I even have anything to say. What could I possibly share that other people need to hear? I wonder if this world isn't such a dark place for some people, I wonder if there are certain good genes, certain good families that ride along certain good patterns throughout their lives, and that for them the world is a great place, ecstatically so even. And I wonder if this is simply the feeling that those who fall out of the good pattern, must inescapably feel. Does the good person's crap suffer while it drowns in the good toilet bowl, before being crushed and flushed away? Does it scream, "this is unjust! You'll never pull this one off!" ? Am I just the growl that is let out, before the crap permanently escapes out of view? The cry in the process, a cleansing from society, of some sort? I'd say that's just how I feel, isn't that how you feel too? But you see, a just world full of light and not darkness would have something better in mind, something better than this for you and I. That's what pains me, the truth of the darkness that this world has truly become, more so when people refuse to admit it as being so. Because even their crap could be better utilized as compost in an organic garden, believe it or not! But the song remains the same, as does the growl, the crap, the you and the I, and five years from now it's going to be this same old growl, heard in the midst of the mad season, heard in the shadowy corners of the planet.
  8. Friend

    Friend Well-Known Member

    May 9th - Interestingly enough, I find myself in a surreal landscape when I think about the process that I have gone through over the years, my first suicide attempt over 20 years ago, how I've had 5 other failed attempts in addition to that, how I've learned how to live through it all for x reason or b reason. How I've learned how to live, if only so that I can be of service to others. And how that sustained me for so long, over those twenty years, while I was debating whether or not suicide was the best thing for me. I think about how heart-breaking all these years have been. And I also remember a few good experiences that I did have here and there during the course, a definite plus for those who have decided to stick around.

    But that is just me nostalgic flipping through memories, so .... let's stay in the present of today, May of 2010, shall we? I cannot explain to you the joy that comes with finally having had made the decision that yes, I want to leave, and I am at utter peace with the idea. I cannot even begin to describe the blissfully peaceful feeling that comes at this stage. I look out my bedroom window at the sky outside, and I stare up at it with an absolute feeling of tranquility that my decision is the right one. I realize that I still feel human; I can still feel my real self, the one which I assumed had simply been deleted somewhere down the line, and I've again become total and complete peace, in fact this feeling is better than an IV of heroin.

    Then inevitably the thought occurs to me that I can't just end it the way I want to with nembutal, the option just isn't there. This reminds me that I must be tortured unto the end, and contrary to the smiley face fascism of the new, this is not because it is of my own making. It is simply the reality that I 'must' face. And this realization causes me to revert to my usual life, dark and gloomy, cursed, unbearably frustrated. And so this is where I'm at today, this is what life is like for me on a day-to-day basis. I know that I am not alone, there are hundreds maybe thousands who are dealing with this exact same situation every single effing day, but they rarely if ever post. Perhaps they see web forums as trifles, silly cries for attention, and maybe that is exactly what they are. But this does not mean that I myself wont end it, just that I don't have the peaceful option of drinking a glassful of 'something' falling asleep, and never waking up again. And it hurts to face the fact that I don't have that option. It hurts really bad, to know that I am risking even more brain damage and organ damage in what could be yet another failed attempt. This is what life is like for the genuinely suicidal person of today. Alternating between 'the' peaceful tranquility of resolution, and the reality that this society, however, of course is not going to make this easy, they must torture us all to the end in this surreal landscape. At least for now, hopefully that will one day change (which reminds me, a big applause for the Right-To-Die movement). Nevertheless, all I'm actually saying is that a glimpse of real peace, like a Monet painting, has finally entered my life again. And I am happy. Thought maybe someone might be interested.
  9. Friend

    Friend Well-Known Member

    And I happily made my way to the ocean, where I, of course, contemplated life. In this "new world" of dizorder, it's not what you know, it's who you know. Now more so than ever. It used to be that if you were the man for the job, you got the job. If you had the qualifications, then you were good for the company, therefore it was absurd for you to have to beg to be hired. Comparing today's way to back then, it's simply night & day. Nowadays people don't much care about what you have on your resume, or how much character you have, they care about personality, it's about their emotions and the way they feel, they want to feel happy, secure, and they do this by "social networking", and it's not like I'm theorizing here, because they come right out and admit it without a problem now. Nevertheless, people aren't nearly as real now. They don't seem very happy to me either. They're embracing some sort of, what seems to me at least, cut-throat-yuppy mentality thing, where they believe in survival of the fittest, but rearrange "fitness" to mean whatever they want. They think of cigarette smokers as repulsive, yet they laugh about rape and consider religious people to be the worst thing in society. Religious people, really? That's the worst thing? Those are the bad ones? Well I think you're loonier than a nut, and I am an agnostic-atheist, but I see where you're coming from, psycho vulture land. Not only that but you're high on it, hypersocial with it. And now people who are hypersocial have it made, in all of their "who you know" social networking society. The new world of blatant apathy, death & disorder, and that's putting it tamely. In my opinion anyone who wakes up in today's world and is excited about living another day must be a real psychopath. And the worst part about that is, they'll probably get far in life now that today's world is the way it is.

    Let me axe you if I may, something. Where does all of this leave society's loners? What now becomes of the introverts? Doomed. Doomed to utter failure. Thought of as weak animals that need to be eliminated. I am an extremely good worker and I always have been, for every company that I've worked for I have increased the bottom line in many ways, and I say that objectively. But I am and have always been, an introvert, it is simply my nature, it is who I am. Good luck telling the redwood to work on morphing into chaparral. It's not going to happen. Nor should it. I am proud to be a redwood, an introvert, when stripped of their foul interpretation all it means is that I take the time to think before I talk and act. And I'm not going to suppress that so that anyone can feel more comfortable around themselves. Why should I when I consider it a superior trait to have? But I'm coming to accept that as an introvert I have no place in today's society, and I'm finally starting to come to peace with that. My next point helps explain why.

    Come and see the sea. The ocean. I just got back from watching the sun set over the pacific ocean. This is obvious but I still feel that I need to say it: It is vast, huge, you can see out on it as far as the eye can see, passed the horizon and that isn't even a millionth of how big it really is. Standing in front of it I am immediately humbled to a bitty grain of sand. And I ponder life as I watch the pattern of waves come in, the formations with how they come together and dissipate, a beautiful cycle is shown to me, the cycle of life and death; birth, family, problems, growth, love, procreation, betrayal, loss, acceptance, peace, death, it's all there standing before the ocean, and better still represented within the immense glow of beauty shining forth from the spendid sea. A wave crashes and hisses the most peaceful hiss, somehow reminding you that nature doesn't play around. 70% of the planet's surface is ocean, an incredibly powerful thing. Coincidentally 70% of the human body is water, I find this connection sort of interesting. It is what it is, and it is what it isn't, as well. Anyways, I think about my own cycle through this life and how inevitably my death is a part of this most powerful process, it must. The thought occurs, "at any moment a tidal wave could come, and suck us all right out into the middle of the sea," and one naturally worries. Another wave comes and you think, "This could be it, the big one," and it's natural to be somewhat cautious. When I contemplate my own death I get the same feeling: "It could be a disaster, everything could go wrong, not only that but I just have this feeling that my absence will wreak havoc on everyone. It must be an absolute tragedy for me to leave." Bollocks. Relax, that tidal wave isn't going to come. When you look at the immensity of time, billions of years of history, tens of thousands of years of proven human history, what does it matter really if one lives three days or three generations? In the enormous expanse of time, do you really think that your life makes such a difference? Maybe yours does, that's a possibility, but, when I think about it in such a broad context, I honestly don't think that my longevity or lack thereof will make much of a difference, at all really. I will probably be as forgotten in my death as I have been in my life. The process goes on, another wave crashes as the cycle continues, and it is truly beautiful. Don't mourn over yourself, rejoice. I had to leave the ocean tonight, but I know that I'll soon be going back. I must.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 10, 2010
  10. left

    left New Member

    Who am I to say anything to you, I am just like you. I see the absurdity of living, and yet the absurdity of dying. Don't you? We do see this. The only reason to go is the pain, and the only reason to stay is the love. And each day I live again like you do for the love, the sweetness of it that Might happen. That I might glimpse one iota of a sweetness whether it be a sweet sunset or a sweet person or a sweet whatever it is. We are still here, and we do not believe, so that makes us in an even worse situation. The other day I was thinking to myself, you know if you would believe you could push out all these bad thoughts and miseries and trust in God. That might change your brain chemistry, and just that one thing would be a reason to shout that "there is a God" - just like you shout out that there is some peace in meditation, there is some peace in believing the thing that there is a God. I've been trying to talk myself into that thought process and be a happy idiot, as I would call it, not to be offensive to those who do believe. But if anyone asks you what is the reason to beleive, I can see that would be a good reason.

    I'm not suggesting that you believe, I guess I'm suggesting that to myself. Just like the one day when I knew my husband was a cheater and normally I would want to know every detail to find out what was going on, I just had had enought so I said, "I don't want to know" ... right about now I'm feeling the same way. I don't want to know if there is or is not a God, what is the point? We will never know until we die, and at that point we may not know either but we may not know that we don't know. So in reality it's just us, a whole group of us struggling along in the mass of nothing hoping it will get better, and honestly just hearing the voice of your pain, I see that I am not alone.

    Thanks for sharing yourself here.
  11. Friend

    Friend Well-Known Member

    Thank you Left, I'm glad to know that someone out there can relate. I don't feel that I'm "suffering from suicidal feelings", I've passed that stage, I've been suffering from life so now I'm rejoicing in suicidal feelings. And I know that many others feel the same way but they're not sure if it's okay to say it, or if it's moral of them or whatever. As for believing in God, I already did that and wish that I could again, I really do. But I had to witness extreme confusion and suffering in a person 24/7 for years straight, and I prayed daily to God to help this person, and things only got worse, and worse, and worse for them. So even my backup reserve of faith has been tapped dry, many times. I'm done with it. But I do think that faith is where it's at for the average person, I think that it's a good thing. Not all of them have seen what I've seen, nor have the capacity to care even if they did, and I envy their innocence. But as for me I'm done with the God thing, I enjoyed it while it lasted. Being kind to people is my only religion now, if one can even call it that. I agree with all of your post except for one part. I'm not sticking around because I think that something sweet might come my way, I already stuck around for years for that reason and nothing ever came, things only got worse for me. I'm sticking around because I'm perfecting my exit method and I don't want to do another haphazard attempt that will leave me with brain damage. Even with taking all of the precautions and perfecting the method, it wont be fool-proof, there is still a huge chance that something could go very wrong. As soon as my method is as perfected as I can get it though, I'm jumping ship. So fine-tuning my method is literally the 'only' thing keeping me around at this point. Even if something came my way, like winning the lottery or meeting the love of my life, it wouldn't mean anything to me, I would just use the money to buy nembutal and quickly put the caboot on life. This stage is interesting, I can only call it "terminal". And I'm enjoying it.

    That sucks that your husband cheated, it seems so commonplace now. The lack of commitment that men and women have to each other any more is one reason of many that I've decided life isn't worth sticking around. I hear you about "not wanting to know", no need to hear the gruesome details. I hope you can find peace here amongst this crowd though, I'm sure a lot here (myself included) have fallen victim to the wandering I.
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