The calmness is unnerving

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by itmahanh, Nov 15, 2007.

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  1. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    It has been about 6 days now that this "attack" has had it's power over me. I can't stand it anymore. It has been taking me up and down like a rag doll and I am totally exhausted both physically but more so emotionally. But it has been a good thing too. I have had nothing but time to think. And that I have done. I want to really let everyone know how I feel but I just can't express it. It is driving me crazy. The feelings I am having are so intense but I can't even begin to find the words. I have tried talking to my family, friends and others here at SF. But as usual I am a total failure. I have only hurt them with my plague. I have tried reaching out but never seemed to grasp anything. Sometimes I felt the brush of another's help but not enough to turn the tide. So I have taken this time to securely put a plan in place. Even now, I feel like a total failure posting this. Cuz what if my plan falls apart. Then everybody will think, well she has tried twice before so why would this time of been any different. They tell me I didn't die because I wasn't really wanting to or I would of tried harder if I was serious. Well they're going to get serious this time.

    I feel like I am in the eye of a huge storm.. Everything is whirling around me but I stand there alone and unmoveable. And I know that the storm will soon suck me up and carry me away. I can't remember the last time I have felt so calm. My body is still physically reacting to the attack, but my mind has somehow just numbed itself right down. Nothing seems inmportant anymore, nothing seems right any more and I have absolutley no fear of what is about to happen. The only thing I fear is being alone at the end. I hate the loneliness that my bipolar and depression and cancer have brought into my life. I wish someone was brave enough to just sit with me while I commit suicide. Someone to just give me that hug that I have craved for so long.

    My plan is simple and it will not involve my children finding my body. I have a wonderful cocktail of all my meds as well as tylenol and some whiskey. I have been a cutter for years now. So I have the necessary blades for step two. And finally I will get the police involved. I plan to park in their parking lot so that my body will be discovered there and not at home. I live outside of a small rural town so it will be quite some time before they find me, but at least it won't be my kids. I went to the bank today to close my accounts and have the papers with my final wishes sent to the necessary people. My children will be looked after and the rest is pretty much the norm.

    I have 2 chances in the next 72 hours to do this. I hope that nothing happens to have to change that schedule. I only pray that I am able to wait out the time. I feel like I need to commit suicide so badly but I don't want to jump the gun. I don't want to be around to listen to "you should of tried harder".

    So I will spend what time I have left searching through the threads and helping those that I can with whatever little bit of knowledge I have. I don't want not one more indidvidual to have to feel lonely likeI do. It hurts so badly yet it gives me the strength to do what I must. To my Angel, please forgive me. Your kind words and caring were so greatly needed and appreciated. And bhr, thank you too for always having a reply for me just like you promised. I hope you find the strength you need to pull yourself out of the pit of your demons.
  2. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    nobody here thinks your a failure hun, least of all me.
    i know you are in pain but you have reached out which means i hope there is some doubt, listen to that doubt and have some pause in your plans.

    i am here for you, walk with me and give me some more time.
  3. Hoshi

    Hoshi Member

    I actually found this forum by accident. I'm not even suicidal.

    But I randomly started browsing and found this thread. And you know what? I have something to say.

    You're an ass. No, none of this failure crap. You're being mean. To your children.

    Jesus. Don't you know what this will do to your kids? No? I have a mother who killed herself. Here's generally how it goes:

    Mother/Father kills her/himself
    Kids are in shock
    Kids blame themselves
    Kids blame themselves
    Kids blame themselves some more

    It doesnt matter if you leave a note and say it isn't their fault. It doesn't matter how you think your kids feel, because you are certainly wrong. Depressed/Suicidal people are always wrong about how much people love them.

    I cried myself to sleep every night....and I didn't even have a good relationship with my mother. I will probably spend my life thinking "What if I had...?" "How did I not see it...?"

    It is something that will never EVER leave me. I think about it every day.

    And so will your children. This is what you want to do to them?

    Fine. Do it. Screw their lives up and bring them more pain than you can EVER imagine.

    Or go to the hospital and get some help with your mental problems. And spend more time with your kids, because they love you.
  4. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    OK. I'm an ass, won't argue with ya. I've also been diagnosed with cervical cancer. What are my children going to say when that kills me? At least if I end it now, they will have happy memories of me ( they are my everything and I spend every moment I can with them). Rather than ones of me hooked up to some machines and withered away to nothing but an empty shell. I have sooo many reasons to end it. And I am thinking of my kids. So ... they will have to live their lives without me causing them anymore anguish. Better than the alternative of me sticking it out and bringing them down to my level and my demons. Do you have kids? If you do, go give them a hug right now and be thankful that you are "normal" and able o give them a happy life. If not, change your attitude before you reproduce!!
  5. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    One other thing, it warms my heart to know that there are still people out there who would rather kick a person when they are down than try to understand. I get it. You are hurt by what happened to you. And I really am sorry for that. You should try and seek out some help in a grief support group. Obviously know one has been there for you. Well I am (at least for a little while). PM me and let's see if we can't atleast agree to disagree. Thanks for your opinion
  6. Hoshi

    Hoshi Member

    No, I'm trying to explain to you how your kids will feel.
    Happy memories? None of that matters when your mother kills herself. If cancer kills you, then at least they can day their mom went out fighting.

    I don't expect you to understand what it feels like for a child to have their parent kill themselves.

    But I can tell you this: It is not something you "get over" no matter how much counseling you get. It becomes a sad, sad part of you.

    Your thinking is messed up right now and you are obviously not rational. You should consider getting some intense therapy, most likely in-patient. There is no shame in seeking help. I have so much respect for people who get some help and take the harder path. They never regret it.

    After my mom killed herself, I was depressed. A year later, I was suicidal.
    I almost died from a suicide attempt - I was in the hospital for a long time from it. I'm glad I lived.

    And every day, every second, I wish from the bottom of my heart that my mother had taken the harder path and gotten the help she needed.

    I'm just saying, my situation is not unique. You see this pattern in most children who lost a parent this way. Suicide of someone who is supposed to take care of you and supposed to always be there for you is harder to wrap your mind around than you can ever, ever imagine.
  7. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I wish you could understand how even that last line "supposed to be there" hurts. I haven't "been' there for my children for almost 5 years now. Yes physically but not emotionally. If only you knew the whole story. I have been hospitalized 3 times now (after previous attempts), spent too many days in the crisis center, see a pscy, mental health worker and attend support groups regularly. But all that they have to offer isn't working any more. My kids know that I am suicidal and that I am a cutter. We have been taking family counselling to help them cope with my problems and we have even gone so far as to experiment in counselling as to "what would it be like without mom ?" My kids know that I love them with my every fiber but they also understand taht I am ill. We have been dealing withit since the get go. I do not hide my feelings from my kids. I don't burfen them with them, but they are aware that I think and feel differently than other people. They also understand that it is not healthy thinking. I think my kids are well adjusted indivdiuals and have more understanding about mental health then most adults out there. But I feel so guilty to have to have them learn about these things. Because they know it as an illness I am praying that they will recover from my demise. See it will not be a shock to them. They understand on some level. I have not kept it a big secret to them so that one day they wake up and mom's gone and they don't understand why. And this was all done on the advice of the medical team after my second attempt. I truly feel badly that you are living with so much pain. Maybe we could talk and get a better understanding of each others pain and help one another through it.
  8. Hoshi

    Hoshi Member

    Quite frankly, all that counseling with barely even ease the pain. Nothing, nothing can ever rationalize a parent killing themselves.

    Just...please...try some more? Have you had in-patient therapy? Honestly, to me, it sounds like you need a medication adjustment.

    There is just no need for you to do this!

    I know my mother loved me. I'm sure she loved me alot...but quite frankly, no amount of love she had for me then can make up for all the times she will not be around for.

    But this is not about me. This is about you and your kids. Nothing will EVER prepare them for losing their mother, but especially to suicide. It hurts more than you can imagine.
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