It has been about 6 days now that this "attack" has had it's power over me. I can't stand it anymore. It has been taking me up and down like a rag doll and I am totally exhausted both physically but more so emotionally. But it has been a good thing too. I have had nothing but time to think. And that I have done. I want to really let everyone know how I feel but I just can't express it. It is driving me crazy. The feelings I am having are so intense but I can't even begin to find the words. I have tried talking to my family, friends and others here at SF. But as usual I am a total failure. I have only hurt them with my plague. I have tried reaching out but never seemed to grasp anything. Sometimes I felt the brush of another's help but not enough to turn the tide. So I have taken this time to securely put a plan in place. Even now, I feel like a total failure posting this. Cuz what if my plan falls apart. Then everybody will think, well she has tried twice before so why would this time of been any different. They tell me I didn't die because I wasn't really wanting to or I would of tried harder if I was serious. Well they're going to get serious this time. I feel like I am in the eye of a huge storm.. Everything is whirling around me but I stand there alone and unmoveable. And I know that the storm will soon suck me up and carry me away. I can't remember the last time I have felt so calm. My body is still physically reacting to the attack, but my mind has somehow just numbed itself right down. Nothing seems inmportant anymore, nothing seems right any more and I have absolutley no fear of what is about to happen. The only thing I fear is being alone at the end. I hate the loneliness that my bipolar and depression and cancer have brought into my life. I wish someone was brave enough to just sit with me while I commit suicide. Someone to just give me that hug that I have craved for so long. My plan is simple and it will not involve my children finding my body. I have a wonderful cocktail of all my meds as well as tylenol and some whiskey. I have been a cutter for years now. So I have the necessary blades for step two. And finally I will get the police involved. I plan to park in their parking lot so that my body will be discovered there and not at home. I live outside of a small rural town so it will be quite some time before they find me, but at least it won't be my kids. I went to the bank today to close my accounts and have the papers with my final wishes sent to the necessary people. My children will be looked after and the rest is pretty much the norm. I have 2 chances in the next 72 hours to do this. I hope that nothing happens to have to change that schedule. I only pray that I am able to wait out the time. I feel like I need to commit suicide so badly but I don't want to jump the gun. I don't want to be around to listen to "you should of tried harder". So I will spend what time I have left searching through the threads and helping those that I can with whatever little bit of knowledge I have. I don't want not one more indidvidual to have to feel lonely likeI do. It hurts so badly yet it gives me the strength to do what I must. To my Angel, please forgive me. Your kind words and caring were so greatly needed and appreciated. And bhr, thank you too for always having a reply for me just like you promised. I hope you find the strength you need to pull yourself out of the pit of your demons.