The Chair

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Dzinger18, Oct 24, 2008.

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  1. Dzinger18

    Dzinger18 Member

    Remember back to elementary school, when one of the kids in class would be leaning back on they're chair, and sometimes a kid would fall and smack his head on the desk behind? Right now...I'm that kid, just there's nothing behind me, as if I'm leaning on the edge of a mountain. I've been in this sort of "floating" state for a long time, so afraid of that last push where I would lose my balance and fall.

    The wind just pushed me backwards.

    I'm empty, and utterly useless. I'm alone, meaningless, and faulted. I can never seem to do anything right. I have no confidence. Just when I think things are looking up, something happens and sets me back. I try to get back on my feet, I try to pay my debts, and just when I plant a foot on the ground somebody kicks it out from under me.

    I want to disappear, just to get up and leave one day with no notice of anything. But no, you can't do that in this world. You have to pay your taxes, your dues, and if you don't then your scum, worth nothing. This world sickens me. There is no life anywhere anymore, this world is consumed by greed. Why even bother? Nobody gets anywhere, and we all die at the end anyway. Its like the people you see driving that are at one stop light next to you, then they floor it off the line and go 20mph over the limit...only to stop at the same stop light as you down the road. Sure some people are rich, some are poor. Some good looking, some not so much. So then I ask... when you look at somebody in a fancy suit...are they better than you? No, not at all. Then why the obsession with money? How can one live, if the essence that is non-existent?

    I just don't see any point anymore.
  2. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    Do you love anyone or think you could?
  3. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    One of the jobs of humans is to learn the essence of living - the meaning of life, having a reason to live. Some do a better job with that than others. There are so many ways that people find to be fulfilled. The list is endless.

    I've sat on the edge of the black hole, and I've been at the bottom of it. One of my reasons for living is just the work of staying alive and safe. I don't want to go through that dark time of my life again. I find myself too close to the edge sometimes, and that's scary. But staying alive isn't my essence. It's while I do things that make my life meaningful that I move away from that edge. My challenge is to continue finding meaningful ways to keep my mind from the suicidal thoughts. I would encourage you to do the same thing.
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Are material items that important to you? I sold everything I worked years for in a garage sale. I just keep thinking I came into this world empty handed, so why hang on to things that are just going to keep reminding me where I once stood. After the garage sale I attempted suicide. No one saw that me selling everything as a sign of what was to come next. Since then all I have is my computer, TV, and my car. I just don't have it in me to compete with others to see who has the most toys. As far as paying taxes go I don't pay any because I am on SSI. I don't feel like I'm scum. I just have alot of health issues!!!~Joseph~
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