I have multiple jobs where I wear short sleeves shirts and tank tops, which show my self harm scars. It has caused a change in myself. In the past, I used self harm as a coping skill. And as harmful as it was, it worked. Now, I feel like I don't have the option to self harm. So instead, my wishing to self harm has started becoming suicidal wishing. Daily, I wish so hard that I could just die, not be here, end it all. But then, I remember that I have jobs and commitments and I shouldn't die. It's fully against my values to let people down who I have made commitments with. So I'm left with strong wishing and desires of suicide. I hate all of this because I feel like such a failure. I feel like I should be hospitalized again, but I have commitments. I feel like I need to switch up my medication again, but I have commitments and it's hard to get doctor's appointments. In the end, I'm not helping myself get better because my value overwhelms the idea that I could maybe be important. And right now, I just want to die. It's so much right now. And I can't handle it.