The Change From Self Harm

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Purple_Thorn, Jan 22, 2016.

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  1. Purple_Thorn

    Purple_Thorn Well-Known Member

    I have multiple jobs where I wear short sleeves shirts and tank tops, which show my self harm scars. It has caused a change in myself. In the past, I used self harm as a coping skill. And as harmful as it was, it worked. Now, I feel like I don't have the option to self harm.

    So instead, my wishing to self harm has started becoming suicidal wishing. Daily, I wish so hard that I could just die, not be here, end it all.

    But then, I remember that I have jobs and commitments and I shouldn't die. It's fully against my values to let people down who I have made commitments with. So I'm left with strong wishing and desires of suicide.

    I hate all of this because I feel like such a failure. I feel like I should be hospitalized again, but I have commitments. I feel like I need to switch up my medication again, but I have commitments and it's hard to get doctor's appointments.

    In the end, I'm not helping myself get better because my value overwhelms the idea that I could maybe be important.

    And right now, I just want to die. It's so much right now. And I can't handle it.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi hun, I think you should try your best to fit in a doctors appointment to suit your schedule, when you are thinking of suicide, you know it is time. I am glad you have stopped self harming and glad you are not afraid to show your scars, I absolutely love that about you. You are unique. I will only let certain people see my scars. The people I trust the most.

    Maybe you do need to switch your medication? I think the best thing you can do, is fit in that appointment and see what the doctor advises. You can talk to me anytime. Well done for working multiple jobs! I can't even manage volunteering that well!

    Best of luck to you :)
  3. sofie

    sofie Banned Member

    I feel like I could have written your post word for word ..... not being able to cut, when that is your primary coping mechanism, is HORRIBLE and, like you, sends me into suicidal thoughts almost non-stop. It would be wonderful if I could simply cut a few times while I continue to work on developing new coping skills with my therapist but, like you, job and family makes me not. I also think I want to go into the hospital but job and responsibilities hold me back too.....for now all I can do is continue my counseling, be completely honest with him about my suicidal thinking (which I have been honest about and he handled it great) and hope that I can get past this point.

    I am trying to think of it like a hard drug.....if I were using meth or coke or heroin, a therapist would absolutely expect me to STOP completely when I entered treatment so why should this cutting addiction be any different?? But it is hard to embrace that concept when the cutting is so minor compared to hard drug use......hugs to you, Purple Thorn -- please know that I am right there beside you. We can do this.
  4. sofie

    sofie Banned Member

    I am jealous of you....most of my scars are on my left forearm and my office is very warm so wearing long sleeves year round is not possible. A few months ago I started cutting on my leg instead but my husband's reaction to that was so bad that cutting at all is not an option for me.
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