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The clock is ticking so slowly now

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Fatman1966, Dec 20, 2008.

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  1. Fatman1966

    Fatman1966 Antiquitie's Friend

    It's been a while

    I some much wish things were different, but despite the help of doctors, the help of friends, the strength I have shown myself, I fear it's not enough.

    What do you do, when you know now at middle age, you will always and forever be alone, what crime is that I have commited, that should make life so cruel.

    I have alway done the right thing, even when it hurt me to do it, I dont understand what it is that I have done that is so wrong, to deserve spending the rest of my life alone

    How did my life lead me to this place

    Why did my life lead me to this place

    Was my life ever really my own

    A 40 something, gay man still at odd with who he is, what choices does that leave me

    Very few
  2. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member

    Move to the Castro in San Fransisco?

    Just joking, it's hard to be comfortable with your sexuality. Especially if you're gay. But talking about it is the first step.
    If you're like a lot of us here, then your life has been marred by an ugly invading mental illness that puts negative thoughts in your head whenever you try to do something. Depression is a killer, and if it can't kill you then it's happy to make you just miserable.

    Every moment is a chance to turn it around. Harvey Milk was 40+ when he came out, and then he had a great life. Of course both of these are only platitudes. What's going on?

  3. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi fatman. Maybe you could move to a more gay-friendly place like san francisco or toronto so you could meet more gay men? If you don't like being gay, then why not try dating females? Maybe you're bisexual?
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hello Fatman1966,

    I can't answer your question because I'm not middle aged so I don't know exactly how you are feeling. I'm here if you need someone to listen though :hug:
  5. Ziggy

    Ziggy Antiquitie's Friend

    I think that we, our circumstances, and the people we know constantly change. Just a single, short, random event can totally turn our lives around. I also think there's people out there just like us, so I don't think we can really say we'll always be alone.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 20, 2008
  6. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    i don't have the answers I'm afraid but i am sure that killing yourself is not the option. if you need someone to talk to please pm me. am always around if you need an ear.
  7. Fatman1966

    Fatman1966 Antiquitie's Friend

    I have tried to move on, honestly I have

    I have made some new friends, but mostly they see me as something to do when they have nothing better to do, a wet weather friend, I do have some good friends, they try but just don't really get it, my family, as in brothers and sisters, partents, I have never been married or anything like that, just don't really understand, I was and am in some ways the dependerable one, the one that could handle anything, sort anything out, be there when the was no one else to turn to.

    yet now my time has come, no one knows what to do, so they do nothing, say nothing, how can family be so close yet so distant, is anything other than trivial conversation so hard that they can not face

    I look in hte wrong places, trust those that should not be trusted, then am surprised when selfish people take advantage of me, when all I was looking for was that one true friend

    I am not perfect, I made some big mistakes along the way, but at the grande old age of 41 I know I will be alone forever, will spend Christmas and New Year, alone in years to come, I would sooner be at work these days, what a sad description of a life that is, where my work defines how I am, my purpose in life.

    Thats not a life led to the full, it's a lifetime waisted, squandered, frittered away, pushed to the back of the cupboard, I thought I was better than that, had more to offer than that, but apparently not

    Soon to 42 years and realtionships that only ever existed in my mind, where the other person always walks away, more days in the week than days a have been with someone, what kind of judgment is that

    there is always hope, but that light get dimmer every day
  8. Hurted

    Hurted Well-Known Member

    I can't know how you feel, but i can try to imagine...

    I also dont have friends and love relationship, however, i am only 17 and im not gay.
    But if i suffer so much, i cant imagine how hard it has to be when you are 42!

    Did you try to go to some gay clubs? In the UK there must be many of them. It's not imposible to find someone there, what do you think?
  9. EmptyLife

    EmptyLife Well-Known Member

    i am 44. i am not gay but i have never even had a boyfriend. and what's worse is when i post my problems on boards, no one responds. so, really, what is more cruelly ironic? at least people respond to you.
  10. EmptyLife

    EmptyLife Well-Known Member

    "what crime is that I have commited, that should make life so cruel.

    I have alway done the right thing, even when it hurt me to do it, I dont understand what it is that I have done that is so wrong, to deserve spending the rest"...

    I totally identify with those thoughts. I don't know what I could have done to have been given the life I have. I know there are people worse off, but that doesn't help me feel better. I feel I have tried and tried to change my life, but I simply can't.
  11. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry to hear your family isn't receptive to your situation. That sounds really tough.
  12. Fatman1966

    Fatman1966 Antiquitie's Friend

    The mad thing about it is that I am my own worst enemy, I know I drink too much and that doesn't make things any better, I know I should go out and at least try and find that someone special, I know if I don't change anything, then nothing will ever change for me, I'm not a stupid person, so why oh why with all the pain and heatache I have gone through these last few years, do I keep my life on hold in this most painfull of places to be ?

    Why do I do that to myself ?

    Yet on the other side of the coin, when I do venture out and make new friends, which is something I do so very rarely ,have had my fingers not so much burnt and completely vapourised in the past, all I seem to get is more of the same, it's like I have please come into my life and find a way to sneak under my defence, so once you have found a nice warm place in my heart, you can stab me in it or something, it happens time and time agian, I am that bad a judge, it's like some sort of twisted gift, ok I can understand it from some of the guys, what with me being gay and all, but its not just the guys, it's girls too, the last one, a single mum, was all friendly and nice, we had a laugh that sort of thing, but she had no real interest in me at all, she wanted to get into the pants of a straight friend of mine, once she had what she wanted, which was him, she vanished out of my life then destroyed my friendship with the now ex-friend !

    What did I do to deserve that !

    May be I am being too harsh, but its sure feels like she planned the whole thing right from the start

    It's not that I want to go, for it all to be over even, it just hurts too much to stay frozen in this place in my life, possibley for the rest of my days, sure things could change, but it's just going to be the same old story, over and over again.
  13. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    It sounds like a little jealousy on her part that he was friends with a gay guy! Don't let it drag you down so you don't venture out anymore. If you think it sucks now try being Isolated from everyone for fifteen years. Stay in the game I'm sure you will find someone to be with. Do you go to straight bars or gay bars? That could make a big difference why you haven't met anyone yet. Stay Strong you will meet someone. You just need to stay confident and don't let anyone see your negative side. You will make more friends if you are positive. Good Luck!!~Joseph~
  14. Fatman1966

    Fatman1966 Antiquitie's Friend

    My time has come and gone, I know that now, I don't expect anything more, I am and always will be that person on the outside looking in, a hanger on, that friend that no one really wants to call, having led a straight life for so long, for all the wrong reasons, I can't see me changing may ways any time soon, It's my destiny to be at odds with who I am, the way I was brought up, what I was taught to believe in, for the rest of my days

    It just doesn't seem fair, I have done nothing wrong

    Was I stupid to believe that good people live happily ever after, was that so niave of me, so arragant of me, to think that would happen for me

    I am playing the host the day after christmas, all my family will be here, I have done what I can to make it as good as it can be, the way thing are, I just don't see be being here for the next one

    Life or at least mine is trying to tell me something, much like some of the friends I have made along the way, being the best person you can be, trying your hardest, just isn't enough any more, but I have nothing left to give and expect nothing in return

    I just don't see the point anymore

    I can't change who I am, so really nothing will ever change for me

    So what's the point

    Like it's says in Starwars " you can not escape your destiny "
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