the clown

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hi. recently I have just started to feel like a clown to everybody. no one really takes me seriously. i'm quirky. everyone likes to laugh at me, but at the end of the day i'm not really seen as a true human being. i feel so degraded. i don't really make jokes i just am a joke. plus i'm always on medication so I'm like hazy like a drug addict every day. lecturers at university look at me funny, they smile when they see me as if i am different from other people. i don't want to be different. i don't want to be a freak. but i know i am. A freak of nature. i'm getting more and more work at the university but i can't study...the whole time i just ask myself: why am I still here? Why am I studying? Society will never really understand or like me. Plus i live in a world full of evil people, it depresses me so, yet ironically people always treat me as if I am a serial killer or something. A genius once said to me "you must hate the world". And I was too shocked to answer back. so i just sat there. i just can't explain to people that i don't want to hurt them. i want to love them. so after this person said this to me i decided WHAT THE HECK, I might as well treat people like trash cuz they expect me to. Then I treated the person i love like crap and the person was so disturbed. the one thing he liked about me was my goodness. now he is gone, thinks I'm crazy, thinks I hate everyone. My wrists scream to be cut.
I like you,...I'm havin a tough time at my university too...My very first semester.....I got no friends...They think I'm a freak too..A bizarre and a weird one...Why?B'cos they think I'm not real...Actually,they r the one who r not real...They're juz a bunch of replica or a copy...They're afraid to b real....So,ur cool man!We're both real people...The society is very cruel,evil,mean,irritatin n just sum fake lame o' dorks...They prefer dz 'normal thingy'...So,wat's da fuss??!It's so mundane n ordinary...There's nothin special bout it...They're juz jealous of us for being da 'extraordinary'...I admit that I hate everyine,n those dummies...Dun expect them to understand u,4 they're juz being hypocrites...But I do understand u clearly,...Feel free to PM me,k....
Thanks, Zura. Yes, society can be so heartless sometimes. I always dream that some day people will realise that the universe is the enemy, not each other. The universe is cruel enough to us, so let us not be cruel to each other.


Well-Known Member
Hmmm... well I know society hates me as well... people find me uninteresting and only useful as a tool to them. It is nothing new I guess. I find that hiding safely away in my room is the best thing to do.

I believe in the idea of "Treat others the way you want to be treated" but on an individual level so I treat the shitty individauls like shit and the good ones, as non-existant as they are, good. The only thing you can do is apologize to your friend.....

i too know what it feels like to be an invisible entity in the hallways of the dismal place we call life.

the one thing i've found that works is talking to people that have a brain, much unlike anyone who can't look past a humorus front put on by a hurting individual. i'm the same way.

you see, a lot of people don't care and never will- but we do.

welcome to SF, the place you come to lookign for help and finding it AND friends!



Well-Known Member
I don't think people are necessarily laughing at you, but rather laughing with you. Perhaps your jokes are funny, and being funny doesnt make you not a human being, it makes you more of a character.
Take care.
Keep on rocking!!!Ya knoe,it's a mysterious thing that scientists can't actually explain 'humour',on how the neurotransmission reaction in our subconcious minds happens...fortunately,u know how to stimulate it...Not evryone knows how to be funny,ur a genious,dude!..
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What you can never really know, if you don't ask or speak to other people, is how they really feel or what they think. Don't assume you know what other people are thinking of you, you can be so wrong about it. Quite often I think you just project your own thoughts onto other people as it stops you from having to deal with the fact they are your thoughts. I also teach and I can tell you that not all lecturers are so closed to other people's feelings. It is just that it is hard to express care or empathy when you are in that position as society doesn't really make room for it - it is not what you are supposed to do.

Just find the people you like and invest in them, forget about the rest


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