The confessions of a future suicide...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by despairguy, May 17, 2010.

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  1. despairguy

    despairguy Active Member

    Hi again.

    Well, I've post some threads here and I know I haven't been nice due to what I think about my life. Today, I'm here in a calm mood just to get some things out of my chest, and to let ppl now what is like to be in the stage I'm currently at.

    Nothing of what u ppl say, or anything I do to change my reality will be useful now. Let's face it, I know the cycle and once u've done something right, immediately a bad thing crushes u..until u reach a point in which u can't stand up any longer.

    Anyway, I'm not here to call ppl's attention. Unlike some of u, I don't have friends here, but that's ok. The purpose of this is to let ppl know what goes through the mind of a person who has nothing else to live for and that is just planning his suicide.

    I have everything prepared, the chemical I will drink, 2 letters, and even some nice music. I don't really want to leave a messed up room after I'm gone so I'm taking my time to think about those little "clean" details. I'm also trying to do some nice things for ppl...

    Well, when am I planning to do it? the last weekend of May or the first Weekend of June (it depends on some external factors, but it will be on one of those days.. 1001% sure).

    Am I scared? Nah, I'm not. Unlike many ppl, death is not something I'm afraid of. But I do feel a little bit of fear to what dying implies. I say just a little bit, because I know it will physically hurts for some hours, but then I'll be gone so I can stand some extreme pain.

    What do I think about the religious aspect? well, I don't give a damn about religion. I have my reasons to do so. However, I do believe in god... as well as in free-will. So, that means I can do whatever I want, even taking my life when I wish to do it. Well, I'm not here to give a speech on Free-will but u ppl know what I'm talking about.

    What do I think about my relatives and ppl around me in general? Well, I do feel a little bit of pain towards my parents and what might come up next after my death. And about the ppl around me, I simply don't care anymore. Now, I know that in this big group of ppl there are ppl who have been significant in my life, others just fake friends, others who I'm mad at, others who are really closed, and others who are just there.. like ppl who u never get to talk to.

    What do I think about the after-death process? Well, I have little concerns about that. I don't mind appearing in the local/national news. I don't mind what ppl will say about me. I don't mind about the costs of my funeral or burial. But I do think about what ppl will do after I'm gone, I think about those wo were important in my life, about those who were very close to me but somehow we got mad at each other... I do think about that...

    Will I be happy after death? I don't know... somehow I think I'm not gonna be able to get this pain out of my soul, and that maybe I'm gonna cling so much to certain persons that I might not leave entirely this world (if u know what I mean).

    Finally, Am I worried If this first attempt goes wrong? Ya, I'm worried coz I'm just afraid that I might throw up after ingesting the chemical and afterwards get very ill instead of die. I've done my homework and I know my method it's not pretty common, but I do know it's 100% effective if I don't get to feel nauseous. And of course, If I fail I'm just gonna go the traditional way... and maybe get away from ppl around me just to avoid questions.

    Now this... this is what goes through the mind of someone eho has everything ready to die and just waiting for the day to come. I'm not insane, I'm just a hopeless man that at his 21 has given up entirely on life.
    If someone has any question, feel free to ask me ^^ (ya I know it sounds weird for this kind of topic, but if the forum is here we have to use it).
    Last edited by a moderator: May 17, 2010
  2. Friend

    Friend Well-Known Member

    Well I must say that that was refreshing to read. I'm new myself, but welcome to the forum. The only problem I foresee in your plan is that you gave the exact date/s. If that wasn't an unintentional cry to be saved then it was certainly a blunder. I gave a rough time-frame on one of my first posts but it was purposely misleading :moonwalk: Like saying: "I plan to do this before year's end" (LOL) You should truly change your real date lest you be unexpectedly "rescued" i.e. carted off to the hospital and then to the nut hut. I have seen this happen to many people before, and in exactly this way. I could see how some people, nay, even the vast majority of people here on this forum would make that call. Other than that, I should mention that I have some similar worries as you. My method could take a wrong turn due to various reasons and I could be left very much awake while I am slowly over the course of three hours brought to cardiac arrest. I've had a heart attack before and it's not very pleasant, I might compare it to having a knife stuck into the heart and then slowly twisted around for about five minutes, that's how mine felt anyways. It hurt so bad that I shit myself and vomited simultaneously, instantly became covered in sweat, and the only thing that I could do was to bite down hard on the pillow behind my head. That worked pretty well, not that it was optional. In fact I have been through that, and I can say that have I to deal with that again, that's fine, being tortured for three hours is a small price to pay in order that I may permanently walk away from this world. Given the choice, I'd prefer three hours of the most extreme pain instead of 40 years of slow, long drawn-out torturous pain. I might have to gag myself so that people don't hear me scream. But, if all goes well, I wont be conscious for any of it anyways. One never knows how it'll play out, not for sure anyways. As I've mentioned before, this world is not going to be making this easy, they must torture us unto the end. Anyways, nice to meet you, and I look forward to reading more of your stuff.

    Last edited by a moderator: May 17, 2010
  3. despairguy

    despairguy Active Member

    woo I'm just shocked to hear what u've been throug with those cardiac problems =/. I can't imagine how painful that could be, but thx a lot for sharing the description with me.

    What strikes me most about ur post is they way u describe this life in general. I really appreciate ur approach to it.

    Oh and don't take me for granted but I'm recognized because I always think outside the box. It's not that I had had a date to do it a while ago, it's something I decided throghout time. I mean I've given myself so many chances to start over but nothing seems to change, so I just gave up. Call me a pussy or whatever, but society is a mess, economy is a mess, relationships are a mess, everything is so screwed up! I've experienced beautiful things in life and I've done so many things for ppl... but I think it's just time for me to go... and I'm actually happy about it. I'm just enjoying these last days to make ppl happy and take the best out of me. It's like saying good bye and fixing everything u should have fixed time ago. Trust me this feels good, and I'd never thought it'd feel so good to quit ^^

    thx 4 sharing! :)

    P.S: excuse my english or any grammatical or spelling mistake... I'm rather sleepy to think in english atm.
  4. Friend

    Friend Well-Known Member

    I couldn't have put it any better myself. Thank you for sharing, because it really makes me feel better in hearing it from someone else. It's like you said, "society is a mess, economy is a mess, relationships are a mess, everything is so screwed up!" That's what I'm saying. Screw the dumb crap, when quality of life goes it's time to go as well. Even if every single person on earth told me to stick around even though I'm miserable, I would still leave. About the heart attack, yeah it was bad, but I can honestly say that it wasn't any worse than some emotional pain that I've had/have.
  5. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    hi despairguy....I hope you change your mind.......
    I cringed at the thought of ingesting chemicals and suffering a long painful death...or live and suffer with organ damage...I have/do suffer much physical pain in my life and I don't want to go through anymore even to die...
    I also hope you give more thought to your family and how they will feel after you do will ruin all their lives....they will then carry the pain you're trying to escape from....I am living this pain after losing my son ..... his sister and I both want to die now...
    you are still young...please try more help....I know how hard it is to stay and fight but I hope you give it a go.....
    I'm hoping now that you are doing nice things and making everything right that you will feel life is again worth living....
    take care...:sad:
  6. alloutoftears

    alloutoftears Account Closed


    know how u feel, almost got my cocktail ready as well.

    the doubt that it may not work is holding me back a little

    all the things u wrote resonate with me so much, its really fucking ironic that we come here to say our farewells to this shitty world and we end up seeing words from kindred spirits.

    hope u are 100% sure about your decisions, u only get one shot imo

    take care and best of luck no matter waht u decide to do
  7. despairguy

    despairguy Active Member

    Friend: I really understand what you are talking about, I can really relate to that. And I strongly agree with you at saying "but I can honestly say that it wasn't any worse than some emotional pain that I've had/have" I know that from experience. It's like words sometimes; they can hurt more than physical pain as well. thx 4 sharing man ^^

    IV2010: I'm really sorry about your loss. I'm not a parent ans I'm just 21 I know I have many things to do in my life from here on. But trust me, I've been through a lot during my lifetime (I'm not gonna name them coz they are too many) but one thing that is been present these last 4 years is death. I've lost all my really close friends (the brother/sister kind of), I lost my grandpa just to name a few.
    I know what happens after a son/daughter commits suicide. As I said b4, I did my homework, and I know how this tabu action can affetc parent's lives and ppl around me...well specially the parents. I know this can cause them to fall ill or to attempt suicide as well as tear apart a marriage. I know it's hard but I feel like I'm done, and that's why I'm mending some issues in my life before the D day. This is actually the first time I'm happy to do it (I know it's contradictory thou)..It really feels good to quit, even thou I know I'm leaving a whole life behind... thx 4 posting and sharing btw ^^

    alloutoftears: well, ya u r right aboyt that ironic aspect, but i think it's the only way to get some things out of our chest. Just think about it: if u tell a friend or any local person near u, they will treat u as an insane person and will tell u to get some professional help (we all know that shit doesn't work, it's just a bussinnes for them to screw us even more)...sooo, the only thing left was to write some final words in this "pro-life" forum, at least to let some ppl know that there are things that need to be learn.
    ty so much for posting and for the luck wishes. ^^

    So ppl, as u can notice, I'm actually happy to quit... that says a lot for a 21 one year old guy who has gone through a lot... again... feel free to post ^^
  8. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I still hope you may change your mind but in the end it's your decision...:sad:
  9. stone

    stone Member

    Well hope I don't brake any rules but good luck mate :smile: I hope you have done every thing you want. I made a list of skydiving, bungee jumping, travel to 8 diffrent countrys and with the last of my money to get as many bikes(motor) as poss.
    once I achive this I will be ready to go to :) I'm slightly youger than you but have it all worked out.
    I shall go how I want to and nobody will know till the day after.
  10. rx4brdm

    rx4brdm Well-Known Member

    Have you really done research? I personally don't think so. Spend a year, a week, hell even a day in your parents shoes when their son decides to end his life without getting as much help as possible from the people that brought him into the world.

    I can't say my life has been better or worse than yours, but I have been through hell and back in my 36 years, quite a few times. I've lost friends and family, I have a disease that will never go away and I will never live a normal life because of it. I had things happen to me as a child that I would hope no child EVER had to go through.

    How many years have you lived with your pain? I know you can read what people are writing on here, but do you actually spend the time and really let it sink in? Try to understand it from every different p.o.v.?

    I can't say it's the wrong choice for everybody, but i.m.h.o. at 21, it's the wrong choice.
  11. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    well said Ben....
  12. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    Hello Despairguy, suicide is one act that can affect a family across the generations. It will continue to plague generations of those unyet born by an act committed by the victim.

    It will cast a dark shadow on your whole family. Friends and acquaintances will be affected in a negative way. Even strangers will blanched at the mention of it.

    It is one act that has the power to cast such a dark shadow on the family, resulting in more suicides or mental illness, and crisis.

    Innocent children yet unborn will wonder why they gravitate to such depression and despair.

    Have you ever heard of the 'House of Seven Gables'. One act spans generation, bringing misery to children yet to be born.

    If you think of the innocent, you will never do such a thing.
  13. despairguy

    despairguy Active Member

    Stone: wow ur goals are inclined towards great accomplishments I'd never be able to do lol but that's great! Instead, I prefer to leave letting all ppl know that everything I did will live to the end, I want them to learn a valuable lesson in life, and that is to value ppl and not to wait til big shit happens... that's something this society is missing nowadays... well ofcourse there are more lessons, but thats the main one. And I agree with u too, I think u r not breaking any rule, but remember, some rules were meant to be broken... free will baby, free will! :)

    rx4brdm: You don't think so, coz u r just pissed due to the fact I'm actually willing to end my life. I'm not here to judge who has suffered more, or who has gone through the darkest days. Everyone has their own problems and I'm sure that there's ppl out there who didn' have a family to rely on, ppl who suffers from hunger or a terminal desease.. I know I've had it all coz my parents put their endevours in the line, and I'm grateful for that. But there are many factors that can be taken into account... for example, and since u asked, my suffering has its origins since I was 4. I had to learn and endure life own my own. All I know and the great person ppl say I am it's because of what I learned from my own. No kid at the age of 4 thinks about how troubled life is, a kid of that age should play and be happy...well it's a long story but hope that little aproach proves my point.
    "I know you can read what people are writing on here, but do you actually spend the time and really let it sink in? Try to understand it from every different p.o.v.?" well I must say that u hit the nail in the head with that, coz that's what I've been doing since I was a kid and what other ppl don't do. I know I'm still young, but trust me I know how this world works, I always try to think outside the box and sometimes that's a bad thing, coz there are things that should be learn stage by stage. Sometimes I just wish I didn't know what I know now.... Hope this answers ur post.

    flowingriver: Hi. Ok first off, I know what suicide and it's consequences are. There's no need to refresh the topic again ^^.
    mmm.. I'm afraid I haven't heard of the 'House of Seven Gables' but thx for mention it. Well, all I have to say about that is that suicide it's not the worst thing that can affect future generations (I know it's tough but I'm talking in general terms). Just think about the millions of families in the world; they all have at least one person who is involved in crimes, drug abuse, divorces, etc etc. And I know these acts affect families and "unborn generations" in a hard way in different degrees. The point is that every bad huge action will be carried on the shoulders of a whole family, like a dark cloud or shadow as u said. An example it's my aunt, she tear apart our family just coz she wasn't mature enough to handle a relationship. The consequences of that had affected us for 8 years now. One of her children hates her and it's into drugs and stuff like that (he and his dad are always trying to mess with the entire family), the other children likes to party and does nothing for a living, and my aunt is living her life like she was a 15 year old girl... the family is ruined just because of her and there's nothing we can do to help it.
    Anyway, there are many things that can affect a family and other generations, but what I'm going to do it's because I'm done and tired. It will be somehow different coz through a message I'll leave a huge lesson... and as I said I'm happy to quit, I feel relaxed and happy... it's like I finally found inner peace, but the mere thought of keep on living sickens me more coz I know I can't do shit to change the world. Hope u can understand as well. Greetings!
    Last edited by a moderator: May 18, 2010
  14. alloutoftears

    alloutoftears Account Closed

    this guy imo has not come to this decision lightly, from his responses it seems that he has mulled over his choice for a long time and considered all its implications.

    for most people this is probably inconceivable that he is at peace with what he believes his future holds.

    yes the premature conclusion of an existance can have a profund effect on those connected to an individual.

    however lets look at it another way

    how much worse is it to watch an individual waste away inside until they are emotionally mummified, existing only as a zombie. Left to roam vacous and empty. Perhaps that is far worse

    i think we have to accept and acknowledge that not everyone is beautiful, skilled, perfect or even compatible with the expectations of society and this fact burns just as deep as any chronic or acute progressive disease in fact it probably hurts more because you cannot use any belief in a manifest destiny to rationalise it.

    Sometimes we just don't fit in this world, no matter how much we betray ourselves or suffer in silence or even pray for change.

    And yes even sometimes love just ain't enough.

    Opinions welcome
  15. rx4brdm

    rx4brdm Well-Known Member

    Nope, not really pissed that you are willing to end your life, more annoyed that you put yourself before your parents. That you are willing to make them live through that pain.

    Another member here made me realize the agony I would put my Mom through if I were to end my life, because they have experienced it. So I thought about it from my Mom's p.o.v. Having never been a parent I can't say I really know the emotional attachment a mother/father has to their child, but I just can not imagine the torture a child's death, especially suicide, would bring upon them.

    Something was said to me once from a mother. She had thought about taking her life at one point in time, but the only way she could do it would be to have her mother and son go with her. Because she could not put them through that emotional hell they would encounter.

    I don't know, I am obviously not a therapist and maybe I'm too late, but spend the last week or two you say you have left and really think about Mom and Dad. NOT yourself.
  16. despairguy

    despairguy Active Member

    alloutoftears Well, for what u've said, at least I think u understood part of the situation. If that's the case I thank u.
    Just to end up my post here to u, I just gotta say one more thing: Somehow everyone tries to find that desired inner peace,right? and it usually comes when u r old, when u've done everything in life, when u regret not to have done some things but still u r trying to fix everything just because u reached that inner peace... having said that, we are not supposed to find that inner peace at my age, but I've always lived life in advanced, this means I grew mature at an age most ppl were thinking about boobs, butts, and being popular, video games and stuff... in short, I'm an old person living in the body of a young boy who has already found that inner peace and is trying to make it up for everyone, just to let them know they have to do something for love and values, and that they don't have to w8 til some big shit happens for them to change.

    rx4brdm I can't disagree with u in the parent's issue. Seriously, I know what this action involves not only for them but also for the ppl around me. I'm not gonna leave without explaining to them y i did it, and of course i know what to tell them in order for them to not crush down in a blink of an eye. Love is the key factor here, and even though i know they will suffer, i'll make it up for them too. And I think in the end, they will understand... i know that.
    Oh and please, don't think I'm being selfish. During all my life all i did was to think in the others but me... I guess it was time for me to dedicate at least something in this life for me. Trust me, in my case I'm not being selfish, or coward, or whatever... this has a purpose, a lesson, and even more. It's really hard to explain it all right now coz words don't seem to fit for me right now, but i just hope u can understand that I'm not a silly immature little boy... I really know what Im saying, and I can bet anything to prove u that not even 1% of the ppl in my case would say the same things I'm letting u know... I'm not acting under the symptoms of depression or sadness, I'm acting under the experience of an old clear mind which understands this world.
  17. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    my son left a note wishing us a fantastic life and explaining how he doesn't help me one little bit.....I want him alive and with me.....this can't happen so now I want to be with world is black...there's no getting over this...ever..
    I know he loved me....he was not thinking straight when he thought we would be ok when he died.....
    If you care about your family think long and hard about what you're gonna do.....
    they will be in the same place as me.....God help them!!
  18. despairguy

    despairguy Active Member

    Once again. I know.
    If u have doubts read again my posts.
    I know this will be a permanent issue, and please trust me, I know what I'm doing and I AM thinking clearly. Besides, I don't know what age was ur son, I don't know the context or y he did it. But I can assure u, the circumstances here are different.
    Please try to understand me just as I understand you.
    I've thought this for a long time, I even tried to avoid this giving myself many chances to overcome this. There's no turn back here, I'm sorry to say it, but I'm doing it anyway. And please, if u still have doubts, read everything again, and maybe, just maybe u'll understand.
  19. alloutoftears

    alloutoftears Account Closed

    imo one song sums up how suicidal people feel and how non suicidal people can understand why they feel the need to go

    song GNR - Estranged


    When you're talkin to yourself
    And nobody's home
    You can fool yourself
    You came in this world alone

    So nobody ever told you baby
    How it was gonna be
    So what'll happen to you baby
    Guess we'll have to wait and see
    One, two

    Old at heart but I'm only 28
    And I'm much too young
    To let love break my heart
    Young at heart but it's getting much too late
    To find ourselves so far apart

    I don't know how you're s'posed
    To find me lately
    An what more could you ask from me
    How could you say that I never needed you
    When you took everything
    Said you took everything from me

    Young at heart an it gets so hard to wait
    When no one I know can seem to help me now
    Old at heart but I musn't hesitate
    If I'm to find my own way out

    Still talkin' to myself and nobody's home

    So nobody ever told us baby
    How it was gonna be
    So what'll happen to us baby
    Guess we'll have to wait and see

    When I find out all the reasons
    Maybe I'll find another way
    Find another day
    With all the changing seasons of my life
    Maybe I'll get it right next time
    An now that you've been broken down
    Got your head out of the clouds
    You're back down on the ground
    And you don't talk so loud
    An you don't walk so proud
    Any more, and what for

    Well I jumped into the river too many times
    to make it home
    I'm out here on my own, an drifting all alone
    If it doesn't show give it time
    To read between the lines
    'Cause I see the storm getting closer
    And the waves they get so high
    Seems everything We've ever known's here
    Why must it drift away and die

    I'll never find anyone to replace you
    Guess I'll have to make it thru, this time
    Oh this time
    Without you

    I knew the storm was getting closer
    And all my friends said I was high
    But everything we've ever known's here
    I never wanted it to die

    its not that people want to die its just that they cant live any longer, and they invaribly are so sorry that they have to hurt others on their way out.

    sorry if this offends but it has to be shared to help understanding of an extremely difficult and emotive subject.
  20. dunnowhat

    dunnowhat Member

    This is one of the first posts I've read and you pretty much echo my exact thoughts on this. Well, I don't have any sort of timeframe and my situation is completely different but I'm just hoping that some freak accident takes care of it for now.
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