Hi again. Well, I've post some threads here and I know I haven't been nice due to what I think about my life. Today, I'm here in a calm mood just to get some things out of my chest, and to let ppl now what is like to be in the stage I'm currently at. Nothing of what u ppl say, or anything I do to change my reality will be useful now. Let's face it, I know the cycle and once u've done something right, immediately a bad thing crushes u..until u reach a point in which u can't stand up any longer. Anyway, I'm not here to call ppl's attention. Unlike some of u, I don't have friends here, but that's ok. The purpose of this is to let ppl know what goes through the mind of a person who has nothing else to live for and that is just planning his suicide. I have everything prepared, the chemical I will drink, 2 letters, and even some nice music. I don't really want to leave a messed up room after I'm gone so I'm taking my time to think about those little "clean" details. I'm also trying to do some nice things for ppl... Well, when am I planning to do it? the last weekend of May or the first Weekend of June (it depends on some external factors, but it will be on one of those days.. 1001% sure). Am I scared? Nah, I'm not. Unlike many ppl, death is not something I'm afraid of. But I do feel a little bit of fear to what dying implies. I say just a little bit, because I know it will physically hurts for some hours, but then I'll be gone so I can stand some extreme pain. What do I think about the religious aspect? well, I don't give a damn about religion. I have my reasons to do so. However, I do believe in god... as well as in free-will. So, that means I can do whatever I want, even taking my life when I wish to do it. Well, I'm not here to give a speech on Free-will but u ppl know what I'm talking about. What do I think about my relatives and ppl around me in general? Well, I do feel a little bit of pain towards my parents and what might come up next after my death. And about the ppl around me, I simply don't care anymore. Now, I know that in this big group of ppl there are ppl who have been significant in my life, others just fake friends, others who I'm mad at, others who are really closed, and others who are just there.. like ppl who u never get to talk to. What do I think about the after-death process? Well, I have little concerns about that. I don't mind appearing in the local/national news. I don't mind what ppl will say about me. I don't mind about the costs of my funeral or burial. But I do think about what ppl will do after I'm gone, I think about those wo were important in my life, about those who were very close to me but somehow we got mad at each other... I do think about that... Will I be happy after death? I don't know... somehow I think I'm not gonna be able to get this pain out of my soul, and that maybe I'm gonna cling so much to certain persons that I might not leave entirely this world (if u know what I mean). Finally, Am I worried If this first attempt goes wrong? Ya, I'm worried coz I'm just afraid that I might throw up after ingesting the chemical and afterwards get very ill instead of die. I've done my homework and I know my method it's not pretty common, but I do know it's 100% effective if I don't get to feel nauseous. And of course, If I fail I'm just gonna go the traditional way... and maybe get away from ppl around me just to avoid questions. Now this... this is what goes through the mind of someone eho has everything ready to die and just waiting for the day to come. I'm not insane, I'm just a hopeless man that at his 21 has given up entirely on life. If someone has any question, feel free to ask me ^^ (ya I know it sounds weird for this kind of topic, but if the forum is here we have to use it).