This is not really a question - but I am not in crisis and I am not suicidal and it isn't a rant and it transpires that there is no "musings" section of the forum lol
The consequences of talking often and at length with someone smarter than you and wiser than you and generally an all round better person than you, is that it makes you think - about people - about yourself - makes you question the things you were sure of and the basic beliefs that your issues and insecurities, and thus your current existence, are built on. It makes you think about a lot of things - and every so often you have a day where a whole bunch of things click together and you simply go "oh" - like how had you not seen that all along?
So today, the thing that clicked, is that there are consequences I did not think of - that I did not expect - to my issues and insecurities.
When I am anxious and worried - that implies need to be anxious and worried. I firmly stand by a person's right to feel how they feel, however irrational, but those feelings are not without consequence. When I tell him I worry that I let him down. when I tell him I feel crappy because I am not good enough,it implies that he is not doing what I need in order to feel valued. When I tell him I am ugly and fat, it implies that his judgement is impaired or he is lying when he tells me I am beautiful. When I tell him I am afraid it, implies that he is not doing enough to make me feel safe. None of those things are true - none of those implications intended - but in my own obsessive insecurity I neglect to consider what those insecurities might mean to someone else. In my obsessive need for reassurance and validation I neglect to consider the impact of my melt down.
And the net casts wider than that. The premise on which my insecurities and anxieties are built, is actual a construct of my own creation. It is a consequence of my actions and my compulsive tendency to believe the 'bad' thing. There are consequences to my actions that I do not consider. Turning down a drink from a guy in a bar because I feel awkward about people spending even the cost of a drink on me - or lunch or dinner for the same reason - suggests to the person offering that I have no interest in their company. When they leave to go to the bar and do not return I suppose it to be because I am ugly, because I am stupid, because I am unappealing socially - instead of recognising the consequences of my rejection of their offer; that I inadvertently rejected them.
The foundations on which my issues are built are so important to me that I suppose them to be of importance to everyone else. My weight is an issue for me so of course it must be an issue for others - I feel ugly so of course other people must also think me ugly - I am hung up on mistakes and bad choices I have made and consequently believe that other people are judging me, looking down on me, disgusted by me. The simple truth is that even the people closest to me have long since moved on - what possible cause could people I barely know have to give it a second thought when they have their own lives and issues, insecurities and anxieties to deal with?
The unintended consequences of my issues, my insecurities, my anxieties, are my actions. The unintended consequences of my actions not only hurt the people who love me, but they feed the issues that cause the problem.
The 'click' for me today is that, as the smartest, wisest person I know once told me - everyone deserves to be heard. Even when the reasons they feel how they feel are irrational or stupid, they have a right to feel how they feel. This does not mean that it is always healthy or constructive to talk about them. To obsess about them gives them power they should not have. To talk about them is to think about them, to embed them more firmly, to allow them.
To talk - to discuss - to reach out. Those are helpful and very deeply needed things. For everyone - especially here. But support in moving forward, in leaving the things that weigh us down behind - that is what I believe is needed, for myself at least. Understanding the past, knowing why I do the things I do - that helps. But understanding the consequences of my feelings and my actions - understanding the damage others, to myself, to my life - that 'click' (one of many as the pieces of the puzzle slowly fit together) shows me that it is time to stop talking about the bad things just to talk about them - just to feel heard - to feel validated - and instead to talk about them only as part of the process in leaving them behind. To stop using them as excuses or accepting them as part of who I am. To stop giving them the power to control me.
The consequences of talking often and at length with someone smarter than you and wiser than you and generally an all round better person than you, is that it makes you think - about people - about yourself - makes you question the things you were sure of and the basic beliefs that your issues and insecurities, and thus your current existence, are built on. It makes you think about a lot of things - and every so often you have a day where a whole bunch of things click together and you simply go "oh" - like how had you not seen that all along?
So today, the thing that clicked, is that there are consequences I did not think of - that I did not expect - to my issues and insecurities.
When I am anxious and worried - that implies need to be anxious and worried. I firmly stand by a person's right to feel how they feel, however irrational, but those feelings are not without consequence. When I tell him I worry that I let him down. when I tell him I feel crappy because I am not good enough,it implies that he is not doing what I need in order to feel valued. When I tell him I am ugly and fat, it implies that his judgement is impaired or he is lying when he tells me I am beautiful. When I tell him I am afraid it, implies that he is not doing enough to make me feel safe. None of those things are true - none of those implications intended - but in my own obsessive insecurity I neglect to consider what those insecurities might mean to someone else. In my obsessive need for reassurance and validation I neglect to consider the impact of my melt down.
And the net casts wider than that. The premise on which my insecurities and anxieties are built, is actual a construct of my own creation. It is a consequence of my actions and my compulsive tendency to believe the 'bad' thing. There are consequences to my actions that I do not consider. Turning down a drink from a guy in a bar because I feel awkward about people spending even the cost of a drink on me - or lunch or dinner for the same reason - suggests to the person offering that I have no interest in their company. When they leave to go to the bar and do not return I suppose it to be because I am ugly, because I am stupid, because I am unappealing socially - instead of recognising the consequences of my rejection of their offer; that I inadvertently rejected them.
The foundations on which my issues are built are so important to me that I suppose them to be of importance to everyone else. My weight is an issue for me so of course it must be an issue for others - I feel ugly so of course other people must also think me ugly - I am hung up on mistakes and bad choices I have made and consequently believe that other people are judging me, looking down on me, disgusted by me. The simple truth is that even the people closest to me have long since moved on - what possible cause could people I barely know have to give it a second thought when they have their own lives and issues, insecurities and anxieties to deal with?
The unintended consequences of my issues, my insecurities, my anxieties, are my actions. The unintended consequences of my actions not only hurt the people who love me, but they feed the issues that cause the problem.
The 'click' for me today is that, as the smartest, wisest person I know once told me - everyone deserves to be heard. Even when the reasons they feel how they feel are irrational or stupid, they have a right to feel how they feel. This does not mean that it is always healthy or constructive to talk about them. To obsess about them gives them power they should not have. To talk about them is to think about them, to embed them more firmly, to allow them.
To talk - to discuss - to reach out. Those are helpful and very deeply needed things. For everyone - especially here. But support in moving forward, in leaving the things that weigh us down behind - that is what I believe is needed, for myself at least. Understanding the past, knowing why I do the things I do - that helps. But understanding the consequences of my feelings and my actions - understanding the damage others, to myself, to my life - that 'click' (one of many as the pieces of the puzzle slowly fit together) shows me that it is time to stop talking about the bad things just to talk about them - just to feel heard - to feel validated - and instead to talk about them only as part of the process in leaving them behind. To stop using them as excuses or accepting them as part of who I am. To stop giving them the power to control me.
