I've thought about it and finally decided. I would prefer to end it all without letting this torment go on and on for more years. But don't worry, it's now, it's not tonight, nor tomorrow. I've chosen my birthday, when the day ends. I've even figured out how to go peacefully in my sleep with no struggle, no pain, no fear, no thoughts at all. It's far better than being around with that uncertainty about what could happen, and it's better than getting blown up by a bomb. I knew a well known guy once, he was like me, living alone, always looking for a wife, and was getting older, but he was a target and a bomb finally blew him up not that long ago. I don't want something like that happening to me even though I'll never be a target. But I would never get military honors for being blown up like he did, I'd just be considered another victim on the side, and forgotten like other civilians. And besides, what do I have left anyway. I live alone, always hoping for someone, and my age is ticking. I always said to myself that my formula for when I must die is when I have nothing to look forward to, no one to take care of, no one to love or care for me, no one who depends on me, and when I am all alone. While my grandma was around, I never thought it was possible for me to meet all five of those at one time. I used to keep looking forward to something like a task or maybe something, I was even hoping to fly over and meet my friend across the globe at the end of the year, but even now it seems like things prevent me from going over, but mostly what my friend said on one day keeps on coming to mind which makes it seem pointless to go all the way just to meet her. Either way, I can't bear losing my friend just because I love her but either way I will still lose her. So I got nothing left to look forward to that would keep me going on, and that is the last piece in the formula. I will just have to settle for one last phone call with her and a confession with a goodbye to her, that's the last thing to look forward to until my birthday. But I will have to leave with one other confession, one that torments me with guilt. My grandma was wise, she said I would always live with guilt when there is death. I always thought she meant that in terms of her own death, but I think she some how knew I was tormented by the death of others. The thing is there was a time when a whole group of people drowned. Everyone says that no one was to blame. But I had the chance to warn all of them, at least let them know of the danger they were in so they could have themselves turned around and stayed alive. Instead I just went on like those were ordinary days where no one was going to die. I feel cursed because I feel I could have at least saved one of them. I was responsible for not keeping an eye open and for not warning them. Men, women, children, one big group drowned all at once. They had a chance and I failed to give them all that chance. People forgot about that day, after all an accident is an accident and there usually is nothing anyone can do about it. I haven't forgotten about it, but I have lived with the guilt. I don't even know what their names were or met them, instead I was partying all day at the time of it and then started to get the grim details 12 hours later. And they say no one is ever at fault, but I know it was my fault that I couldn't save those people or my grandma. The only way anyone can prove that it isn't my fault is if I wasn't saved by someone long ago, then I wouldn't have been around anyway. The funny thing is the only thing I was thankful for from that incident, another friend, who was the one who saved my life long ago, went missing at that same time and I had feared she had drowned as well, but instead she was alright but she had failed to inform anyone there that she had to travel far. So was thankful she hadn't been there at that time but I still am unsure if I'm thankful to her saving me. It feels like it was pointless for me to be saved then especially if I'm not going to be around anymore. No, then again I am thankful, because I was alive that I got to enjoy some days out there. Especially with the friend I love so much, she actually did make me feel alive by letting me hang out with her everyday and she reminded me how much I loved talking. She wasn't even a fake, unlike the girls who hit on me and say they want to know me but have no intention of caring a damn. I think I was impressed. At least I know everything we did as friends was worth it. It's a shame though that I had no choice in where I have to be on the planet, I haven't seen her in a year and I guess I won't get to ever again. Phone calls and chatting online every other day is nothing compared to sitting in front of someone and thinking about them. I'm going to miss her the most because I love her. But it's no use for me to sit everyday and stare off into a crystal ball dreaming about what could have been in my past, or how things will happen in the future. Things are as they are, we do what we chose to do and say what we chose to say. I like to think things happen because they happen for a reason, but that's just mumbo jumbo. But all that counts is how we cope with everything that happens, even the painful things that happen to us. I admit I've fought everyday and I've succeeded in coping with most things thrown at me, but now it's time to admit defeat, I'm a tired... young boy or old man, which ever one prefers ...and I cannot stand up anymore, I cannot cope with my depressions and my desires. And even now the most simplest of things I want I know I cannot get without suffering, so why suffer any further especially when I have been for countless years. The one last thing I want is to be with my grandma, it seems the simplest of requests. There's only one thing I see in a crystal ball and that is that there is nothing left but to enjoy my last and fast approaching days until my time has come. It is my time. Don't worry, I'll say one more thing when the time comes, very soon. Plus, please don't say I am not alone, I know other people feel too therefore we are all there and never alone in thought, but the reality for me is that I am alone because there is no one around me to pat me on the shoulder or slap me on my arm. It is not worth the effort to say I am not alone. And I'm sorry, you cannot change my mind.