Every year about this time which happens to be close to my birthday, I lose a friend or friends. And usually the loss isn't emotionally easy. The rejection builds and builds to a point I'm tense at the start of the new year. I react to warning signs swiftly in the hopes to remedy the situation before that deck of cards collapses. It's happening again with another friend. Without going into too much depth, to summarize, (1) I've been dumped on xmas by txt message when I was alone for the holidays, (2) betrayed by five high school friends for my mother catching them smoking in my house and they ridiculed me the rest of the school year, (3) married and divorced, (4) friend left because he had enough of me ruining his day when I was expressing my emotions or confusion over a person's actions, (5) ...more but these are the simplest to note. Suffice to say I am quick to distrust. And I've yet to discover how to remedy a "friendship" when I begin to distrust. I easily forgive but in my heart's depths I continued to subconciously distrust. This friend I communicated by email. To me that forum is strictly person to person. I went into depth about how I was feeling. It was so horrible that I planned on a date to probably die. My whole soul became elated that it would be over. All my frustrations went blip. I even asked him well give me a reason why I should live. His answers were all cliches. That wasn't what I was seeking and said there's no truth behind those cliches. People ALWAYS move on. I am alone now. People can connect to me NOW. So why must they connect AFTER my death and go OMG she's gone? I am alive now yet they do nothing and my attempts to connect with them go no where. I've felt empty, worthless and basically an imposition on society. I cause others to feel bad and I feel that I infest them with poison in my words. The xmas dumper...I went away for a week. During that time, I received no phone calls, emails or any communications. Upon returning, he said that was the best week of his life. He never slept better because he never had to focus on me. Another time, my ex-mother-in-law told me (mind she just lost her own mother to cancer but these words are carved into my soul) -- why did god let her mother die and let a horrible person like me live? So I was explaining my mood. I simply had no other method to release. Absolutely none that I could trust but my friend by email. This friend informs game staff (on an online game we play) about what I said. Since then I've been distrustful of my friend and haven't spoken. I feel betrayed by our private conversation. Sure, if he contacted a specialist that's different. But to bring in a game staff for a real life issue? That irritated me. Mainly because the game is a game and I absolutely don't want such private things about me existing there. I escape there a while. Now it's all over the game and I'm really irked. I don't know how to respond to my friend. I actually want to never to speak to him right now. I want to lash out at him and be a horrible person over it. I was to push him down and I also want to cry. Then I cry and blame myself for being at fault. I never should trust people. I never should get an expectation that I possibly could have a bonafide friend. In the end, I turn into that imposition and poison. And look, it's near that cursed timeframe and possibly losing another friend. I hate life. I dislike people because often their words are so empty. But mostly I dislike being talked about behind my back over a private conversation. This compacted by other issues which I won't go into detail here have respurned my suicidal thoughts. I'm simply exhausted with trying and try again and "tink happeh taughts".