The Curse

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by prncsusako, Jan 21, 2010.

  1. prncsusako

    prncsusako Member

    Every year about this time which happens to be close to my birthday, I lose a friend or friends. And usually the loss isn't emotionally easy. The rejection builds and builds to a point I'm tense at the start of the new year. I react to warning signs swiftly in the hopes to remedy the situation before that deck of cards collapses.

    It's happening again with another friend.

    Without going into too much depth, to summarize, (1) I've been dumped on xmas by txt message when I was alone for the holidays, (2) betrayed by five high school friends for my mother catching them smoking in my house and they ridiculed me the rest of the school year, (3) married and divorced, (4) friend left because he had enough of me ruining his day when I was expressing my emotions or confusion over a person's actions, (5) ...more but these are the simplest to note.

    Suffice to say I am quick to distrust. And I've yet to discover how to remedy a "friendship" when I begin to distrust. I easily forgive but in my heart's depths I continued to subconciously distrust.

    This friend I communicated by email. To me that forum is strictly person to person. I went into depth about how I was feeling. It was so horrible that I planned on a date to probably die. My whole soul became elated that it would be over. All my frustrations went blip. I even asked him well give me a reason why I should live. His answers were all cliches. That wasn't what I was seeking and said there's no truth behind those cliches. People ALWAYS move on. I am alone now. People can connect to me NOW. So why must they connect AFTER my death and go OMG she's gone? I am alive now yet they do nothing and my attempts to connect with them go no where. I've felt empty, worthless and basically an imposition on society. I cause others to feel bad and I feel that I infest them with poison in my words. The xmas dumper...I went away for a week. During that time, I received no phone calls, emails or any communications. Upon returning, he said that was the best week of his life. He never slept better because he never had to focus on me. Another time, my ex-mother-in-law told me (mind she just lost her own mother to cancer but these words are carved into my soul) -- why did god let her mother die and let a horrible person like me live?

    So I was explaining my mood. I simply had no other method to release. Absolutely none that I could trust but my friend by email.

    This friend informs game staff (on an online game we play) about what I said. Since then I've been distrustful of my friend and haven't spoken. I feel betrayed by our private conversation. Sure, if he contacted a specialist that's different. But to bring in a game staff for a real life issue? That irritated me. Mainly because the game is a game and I absolutely don't want such private things about me existing there. I escape there a while. Now it's all over the game and I'm really irked.

    I don't know how to respond to my friend. I actually want to never to speak to him right now. I want to lash out at him and be a horrible person over it. I was to push him down and I also want to cry.

    Then I cry and blame myself for being at fault. I never should trust people. I never should get an expectation that I possibly could have a bonafide friend. In the end, I turn into that imposition and poison. And look, it's near that cursed timeframe and possibly losing another friend.

    I hate life. I dislike people because often their words are so empty. But mostly I dislike being talked about behind my back over a private conversation.

    This compacted by other issues which I won't go into detail here have respurned my suicidal thoughts. I'm simply exhausted with trying and try again and "tink happeh taughts".
  2. KittyGirl

    KittyGirl Well-Known Member

    Another cliche- "You don't know what you had until it's gone" - that one's true... and some people unfortunately take for granted the people and friendships they have until they lose them one day; and think 'was there something I could've done to keep this from happening?'
    People will miss you, I assure you.
    I even miss people I've never met before. I feel sad when any life has ended- and I'm positive that I'm not the only one who feels that way.

    It's really shitty that you've had to deal with more than your share of distrustful people. Please *know* that this forum is here and filled with people who are in similar situations and state of mind as you are. We're non-judgmental and no one's going to think badly of you, so don't hesitate to tell us things when they're bothering you, okay?

    I think that people these days classify people they meet like this:
    Friend (casual acquaintances)
    Friend ('besties' - people you hang out with daily)
    Enemy (pretty much everyone else. XD)
    I hate to say it... but maybe in your case, you should pull back telling people about anything that you think might hurt you if the information got out.
    I'm paranoid of people hurting me all the time-- and I don't say a single thing out loud if I think it could hurt me down the road. I'm a fairly open person; but if I have a secret it tends to be very sensitive and I don't tell anyone that I don't trust. Right now there's no one I trust enough to tell my true feelings to. The only person I did ever learn to trust was my ex... and he abandoned me. It's going to take a long time for that hurt to go away, but all things eventually fade right?
  3. prncsusako

    prncsusako Member

    I've been divorced for over 9 years now. That pain and distrust hasn't faded away. The rejected relationships following intensified triggers. I dislike reflecting upon that timeframe but it eventually returns -- it's when I was at my darkest "evilness". It takes two for a relationship to continue and in this one we hurt another in so many ways. The scars haven't healed and when I think they've mended a little, another break-up happens and that scar gets ripped deeper.

    I honestly do not have people to talk to. I've no real friends outside the internet. It's very difficult to meet people. I try to be my cheery and friendly self but it seems to allienate people. My tastes differ so much that I feel unwanted and looked upon as the weirdo. In fact, at work, they jokingly call me the weirdo. All because I have a love of sci-fi/fantasy, read a heck of a lot of topics, lived in many places and like many cultures...and so on.

    It's hard.

    It's come to a point when I try to hide myself out of fear of more rejection. I don't understand people. What I know about people I read or have observed in interactions. But I've never been able to have that spark of a long term friendship.

    I'm a military brat so up until my 10th grade year, I moved every 2-3 years. It wasn't so bad because at each new post, you could walk up to a person and say hey, you like red? She'd go, YES! And then we'd be friends. Outside that community, that type of friendship doesn't exist. People are less likely to give you the day of the week. I cannot consider work "friends" to be outside friends.

    I go to book clubs and some events but either I'm the youngest or the oldest or in the middle but still that same situation as at work -- the weird one.

    Cannot bond with my family. There's just not that emotional needed support.

    Doctors, shrinks, etc do not work at all. Distrustful of them all. They honestly do not care about me. They look at the money and prescriptions they give me but never EVER give me a method to work on my issues other than "Let's talk" or "Medicine" or "Think happy thoughts". They're not working and I'm frustrated that when I bring up this frustration, none of them TRULY are helping me. I want tools not talk all day. Talking to me is like a temporary band-aid.

    I want a friend. Someone I can call. Someone I can hang out with. But it's like life is telling me I do not deserve to have one.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 21, 2010
  4. prncsusako

    prncsusako Member

    Course right now all I want to really do is leave work early so I can get home and into the safety of my room. I want to hole up. Don't want to deal with people.

    Tonight is supposed to be this suicide support group that I recently found about. But it's so late at night. It's 2 1/2 hours after I finish work. Which means walking around to kill that time. I cannot go home and then go back to make the meeting b/c of the time schedule on the trains. Basically I'd ride the train to the station near home, then turn around to ride the train to the location of this support group. Don't know a place I'd feel comfortable around to kill 2 1/2 hours. Suppose I could go to the mall but I feel so crowded there.

    I really don't know about going. I simply want to go home and be comfortable again.
  5. KittyGirl

    KittyGirl Well-Known Member

    Well...sometimes it's good to have a break- but don't allow yourself to end up being the person who never leaves her room... like me. -__-

    I'm not sure of much else I can say that is positive-- since I don't trust people either, and I would just like to think that pain does go away in time.
    I was with my boyfriend for 7 years and he broke up with me without a reason in august. I can't hate him- I'm still madly in love and it hurts so much but only lately have I been able to feel a bit better. I still don't leave my room, or have a job... but I don't hate myself quite as much as I did a month ago.
  6. prncsusako

    prncsusako Member

    I've had a panic attack this past fall. My first. And so this evening I nearly hit it again. I left work early to pick up some documents from another building and then went immediately home. I couldn't breathe for a bit. And now I want to cry my heart out. I cannot take people. Afraid of interacting else I'd break down. I nearly told someone on the game I play - practically every night - that I need a time out for a few days and why. When I felt embarrassed over my why, I decided not to contact that person. I don't feel good. And my appetite is gone again.

    Wish I had someone who cared about me enough to spend time with me instead of online connections. My family is too busy with their own lives to give me the time of day. Even then if feels superficial when interacting.

    With my friend, I knew at least there was someone but this "betrayal" has hurt so much. It's made me feel more alone. And I'm not as strong as I used to be.
  7. prncsusako

    prncsusako Member

    Worse part is I don't know how to approach this person anymore. Makes me angrier thinking about it and then saddened by how much anger I have. I dislike that poison.

    Then I begin to think of how many people now will look at me as hey she's that suicidal girl. I'm already a social pariah, I don't need more to shove me away from people.

    And then I think why don't I just leave this world? Would be better since no matter what I do, I'll never become a good person in people's eyes. The real me, I mean.