The cycle continues

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by yada, Jul 29, 2007.

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  1. yada

    yada Well-Known Member

    I'm not sure why I'm here still. I am alone, I am a failure, and I have no motivation left to fix it all. I used to be a very strong person who fought through all obstacles in the past and actually did quite well for myself in some parts of my life (education, career), but my personal life has gone to hell, including disassociating myself from my parents. And I still think that was a good move and they continued to tell me I have failed them (because I'm not married) and make me feel worse. My friends have their own lives and will forget about me until I call. My few closer friends know I'm very depressed and it's my nature to help people when they have issues, so I guess I feel it more when others are not like this. I have no one I can really trust and lean on. I'm getting older, lonelier and less motivated to do anything, so why am I here still? The only thing I can think of is that I was working on some goals (business-related) and wanted to achieve those first, but I have very little motivation to work on those anymore. Somehow I also feel an obligation to customers who are waiting on things that I'm doing for them but why can't I just refund their deposits, etc and go? Is it because I don't want people to say that I failed? WTF is wrong with me? I have all the means necessary to instantly leave whenever I want, but not sure what's keeping me here. I don't even expect an answer from any of you, and think I'm just writing this to get my feelings out, which usually gives me some temporarily relief. I am not sure what to do anymore. It's the same crap day in and day out. Yada yada yada.
     
  2. Innocent

    Innocent Guest

    I've been going through something similar myself...feeling like a failure...I used to do so many things, I was on my way to success, and then everything just blew up. So I can relate to your post. I hope you find the motivation soon to start climbing your way back up. It's certainly not easy, I know.
    Take care *hugs*
     
  3. yada

    yada Well-Known Member

    I still have the mental and physical capability, so motivation is the key I know. I think that having been beaten down by life and other forces, I've now become a wuss... lacking motivation to climb back up and don't have the nerve to get out. I hear of people with terminal illnesses (such as a person I know with MS) or I see tragedies on the news (such as yesterday's bridge collapse) and wonder why I am not even lucky enough to be one of those victims. I would be able to get out, and no one would have to think of me as a wuss after I'm gone. :sad:
     
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