The Cycle I'm Caught In

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by just_me_again, Apr 18, 2015.

  1. just_me_again

    just_me_again Active Member

    In my stats class, or whatever it is, we had to do cyclic functions with sinreg on the calculator. We messed with hours of daylight and ferris wheels that move slow enough to not stop. The graph goes up and down and up and down. It's always the same. That's how I feel right now. I feel like I'm in a horrible rut and I can't do anything but shout to the void in hopes of finding someone ANYONE who understands enough to give me coherent advice that won't make me feel like ripping their head off.
    I am so sad and so angry, and I get even angrier when people tell me to stop being sad and angry. The other option is feeling nothing at all, which I can only achieve after a lot of alcohol and other crap. I remember wanting to die when I was nine. From there, the self destructive behavior and the self sabotaging increased. I admit, I've been through a lot. Not as much as a lot of people who seem to have more valid reasons for wanting to die, but I've had my fair share. My mother was insane, my father was spineless unless he was calling me fat, my older sister practically abandoned me and my other siblings to go off in the search of the great "normal" and I was left to take care of things when they were falling apart. I made lots of plans for what I would do but I never followed through. My parents refused to get help for me; they couldn't even admit they need help themselves. I've never tried to do anything wrong. I was the good child growing up, the one that would sit still and be quiet while the grown ups were talking. I was the responsible one that cooked and cleaned and tried to do well in school. I was also the one that tried to hang myself once, while I was in an outbuilding after picking produce for hours upon hours.
    Extended family offered me a way out and off the farm. My senior year was spent in relative peace, aside from the multiple panic attacks, the fear of things going wrong, and now, when things have gone wrong. I'll have to go back to my home state and city for college. I feel like I've just circled back again.
    People don't understand why I can't just snap out of it, even with meds (ones that I don't think are helpful at all) and a professional diagnosis.
    I'm type 2 bipolar and severely depressed, and I don't know how to get out, and I don't know why I'm here, aside from the fact that I am scared.
    I am scared of dying and I am scared of living.
     
  2. ChestnutMay

    ChestnutMay Antiquities Friend

    Maybe feelings of sadness and anger are actually appropriate right now. I read your other post and putting it together with this one, you've had a very difficult childhood and have just experienced a great disappointment. I know those feelings are uncomfortable and you definitely don't want to get stuck there, but, really, if you weren't sad and angry, it would be kind of surprising. Is therapy an option for you? It might be really helpful for you to be able to talk with someone who could help you cope with what's going on right now. Because you've got a lot on your plate.

    Also, I wonder if it might not help you to have your meds reevaluated. You say they aren't helping. Have you let the person know who prescribes them? My daughters are bi-polar and it took both of them a long time to get the right combination of meds, but they finally did. It's not static though - the meds need frequent adjusting.

    Of course you can't just snap out of it. People who suggest that are simply clueless. It takes a long time to work through these things and anyone with the slightest understanding of human nature knows that. Take it easy on yourself and don't listen to them.

    I'm sorry you're in so much pain. It sounds like you really worked hard to do the right thing and in a fair world, you would be rewarded for that. Instead you're scarred from your childhood and stuck in a rut and having to pick yourself up after things fell apart. You can do it, though. You're obviously a very strong person with a sound moral center. You just need more support. You've got us. You've got at least some supportive family (the aunt you mention in your other post). But you need more. Again, a therapist could really help.
     
  3. just_me_again

    just_me_again Active Member

    I have discussed it and hopefully I will be getting better help soon. I've gotten so good at faking it that my aunt thought I was happier than I was, because I didn't want to make her feel personally responsible. I still feel like I'm only able to move in circles, but even if I can't hope to be happy right now, I can hope to even things out enough to think rationally. That's enough to keep me from wanting to leave just yet. Thank you for listening (well, reading) and I wish you the best.