In my stats class, or whatever it is, we had to do cyclic functions with sinreg on the calculator. We messed with hours of daylight and ferris wheels that move slow enough to not stop. The graph goes up and down and up and down. It's always the same. That's how I feel right now. I feel like I'm in a horrible rut and I can't do anything but shout to the void in hopes of finding someone ANYONE who understands enough to give me coherent advice that won't make me feel like ripping their head off. I am so sad and so angry, and I get even angrier when people tell me to stop being sad and angry. The other option is feeling nothing at all, which I can only achieve after a lot of alcohol and other crap. I remember wanting to die when I was nine. From there, the self destructive behavior and the self sabotaging increased. I admit, I've been through a lot. Not as much as a lot of people who seem to have more valid reasons for wanting to die, but I've had my fair share. My mother was insane, my father was spineless unless he was calling me fat, my older sister practically abandoned me and my other siblings to go off in the search of the great "normal" and I was left to take care of things when they were falling apart. I made lots of plans for what I would do but I never followed through. My parents refused to get help for me; they couldn't even admit they need help themselves. I've never tried to do anything wrong. I was the good child growing up, the one that would sit still and be quiet while the grown ups were talking. I was the responsible one that cooked and cleaned and tried to do well in school. I was also the one that tried to hang myself once, while I was in an outbuilding after picking produce for hours upon hours. Extended family offered me a way out and off the farm. My senior year was spent in relative peace, aside from the multiple panic attacks, the fear of things going wrong, and now, when things have gone wrong. I'll have to go back to my home state and city for college. I feel like I've just circled back again. People don't understand why I can't just snap out of it, even with meds (ones that I don't think are helpful at all) and a professional diagnosis. I'm type 2 bipolar and severely depressed, and I don't know how to get out, and I don't know why I'm here, aside from the fact that I am scared. I am scared of dying and I am scared of living.