the cycle starts again

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by TJ, Oct 30, 2011.

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  1. TJ

    TJ Staff Alumni

    i had managed to get 9/10 months of no burning or cutting up although i was doing other small self harming behaviors so i wasn't completely self harm free , then the other night happened ... i burnt twice and cut once , small i know but none the less its started the cycle , since then Ive burnt again ... and now tonight im sitting here thinking fuck it would make everything just that much more bearable ... Ive stopped myself twice tonight already but i know that next time i wont be able to stop ... im not really posting for the distraction to stop me but more to be honest of where im at ... i really didn't want this cycle to start but it has and its taken over so quickly ... :( :sad:
     
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Aww :hug: est!

    What triggered you to start again? If you could go 9/10 months without self harming I'm sure you can get back on track again x much love xox
     
  3. TJ

    TJ Staff Alumni

    Lots has triggered me , Ive been doing the "im fine" for far to long ... tonight Ive contemplated suicide , tossed plans around in my head , done smile faces on my body just for a little pain , kept a page open for the enterier night of how to kill myself (useful methods which i wont post here for obvious reasons)

    i just want the pain to go away , my mate trying to kill herself last week just got me thinking fuck if its OK for her to exit , Ive tried more than enough to stay on-top of things and fuck im better off dead so why not ...

    self destruct mode ...

    time to do some more .... UGH FTL
     
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    No,no, no...you're NOT better off dead. why do you think that? :(
     
  5. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I am so sorry about your mate; this is very triggering...please know you are truly cared for here...and also know that as you started, you can stop again...I know I am afraid when I see old, harmful behaviors re-emerge, but sometimes, the fear is the thing that keeps them going...much fondness, J
     
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