The Dark Places My Mind Goes

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by ThePhantom, Jun 7, 2016.

  1. ThePhantom

    ThePhantom New Member

    So I have this problem with my thoughts it's like if I'm not careful I'll obsess about something and I'll tear into myself. I have a hard time tell the difference between something that I think happened and something that actually happened I go crazy because of it and I'll tear into myself over it and call myself the worst things.

    I agonize over whatever it might be for a while and hate myself I sometimes feel like I'm locked in my own head with nothing but my own thoughts driving me mad. Inside my head it's like a heavy metal song scream always loud. I constantly argue with myself. I have actually talked to my own reflection as a coping mechanism as crazy as that sounds. It's like the line from Inception "The most resistant parasite is an idea."

    Typically it starts the same I fall off the wagon and I'm not a drug addict my addiction is porn and yes I know it sounds to stupid but it's like the snake that eats it's own tail as soon as I get that high my mind immediately goes to the dark places and I started hating and tearing into myself. For the longest time I struggled with these darker emotions to the point where it felt like they were all I could feel.

    I feel like a freak and a monster because I just want and keep wanting and it never ends! I know I'm nothing but a beast and I'm likely going to die alone. I sometimes think about letting the darkest take over and let the beast inside roam free. I don't even know where this darkness comes from it's always been in me in one form or another as a child it was anger, as a teenager lust, and now it's just each and every one of the seven. I just don't know why I bother fighting my addiction when it just always comes back and always finds away to tear me down. Make no mistake I may look calm but I am just always full of anger and frustration that I want to scream.
     
  2. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hey Phantom, welcome to the forum. Im sorry to hear you're dealing with so much anguish and pain That inner voice that we all have and argues with us, I used to always wonder who I was speaking to.....felt like there were two of me.
    Addiction, I believe most people have an addiction of some kind, alcohol, drugs, porn, shopping, work, it's anything that fills the emptiness we feel inside. I recently just got off of pain medication after 7yrs, and yes, I was addicted.....didn't know how much until I stopped. Have you tried seeking medical help or counselling, that might help you to understand the thoughts you're having or help you to control them. For now, posting here and getting your feelings out may help.
    Good to meet you
    Brian