The day after...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by nowlost, Aug 19, 2011.

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  1. nowlost

    nowlost Member

    Last night I went to the hospital.

    I called an out-of-hours doctor and after speaking to me like a person, which is rare I thought, she made me promise her I would attend hospital before 'doing anything drastic'.

    Since she was so nice, and I did promise, I went. I'm autistic and shouldn't go out by myself but since I live alone and nobody I knew would go with me, I went alone. It was horrible! The bus, the drunk people, the noises and questions...

    Before I got to the reception lady, when I was on the bus, I wrote down everything I thought she would need for me to sign-in or whatever it's called: name, date of birth, doctor, reason for attending etc.

    I wrote on the paper that I would wait outside the doors by the ambulances because there were many people in the waiting room and it was loud and unpredictable. I don't like that.

    After a very short time, a nurse came out and said hi, showed me into a room and asked some questions. The nice doctor I spoke to said I should hold anything back so I told her everything. She was shocked; almost as if she never heard of this or something.

    I was then taken to a small, quiet waiting room. She said I would be the next person to see the doctor and then, if the doctor agrees, it would be likely that I would have to speak to some kind of highly trained therapist.

    Four hours went by. When you're autistic, four hours in a strange place with strangers coming in and out, shouting, crying, cheering and everything is a personal hell.

    When I was called, it wasn't the doctor I was seeing at all. It was three people from something called the crisis team. The only one who talked had a strong accent so I could barely understand her. I suppose the other two were there for her protection or something.

    We went into a room about three metres squared with four of us. It was very bright. With so many people in such a small place, I felt like I couldn't breathe.

    I tried explaining this to them, With the added stress of feeling like life in pointless, having self-harmed and not had it treated and feeling like I've been lied to, I told them we need fewer people, I need somebody I can understand, and I need this now please. They said none of this was going to happen.

    So I left.

    My phone has been ringing all morning from private numbers or caller ID withheld. I have arranged a good home for both my cats so all I need to do now is pack my bags. It'll be like going on holiday!

    I don't know why I'm telling you, any of you, this. It's supposed to help so I've read.

    This doesn't feel real: this keyboard, the screen, and I don't know why nor to whom I'm writing this. Nothing is left, there's nothing to live for. And since making my decision, I'm happier than I can remember ever being. What does that say?
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    YOu need to call someone now hun okay get a hold of crisis line and call it Call the nice doctor who will help you get well again Please reach out for help NOW please your cats will only become depressed they are like humans you know they will know you left them Please call hosptial now and get help to feel better stay safe hugs
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I'm sorry for what you went through. I can understand why you left, considering that particular group of people didn't seem willing to work with you in the way you needed.

    Are you able to get in touch with the doctor, the nice one, and set up an appointment with just her?

    Here if you want to talk, you can PM me anytime.
  4. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Hey Chase - its wrong that the hospital treated you like that - sorry nobody could go with you mate - but you done the right thing.

    Tell us more about things - what family do you have - and how do you cope day to day?

    Autism can be hard - sure - but most of the time its not too bad - and your autism does not effect intelligence - your quite bright.

    Life cannot be cured in one fell swoop! Well - sometimes things might happen which does turn life around in the blink of an eye (love - a new job - getting divorced from some rat!)

    Most of the time life needs us to make some effort and to do things. Maybe you have sat around not doing much - life on the dole my man! Best to try and be busy and there are things you can do such as education, voluntary work or shoplifting sprees - well, forget the last one! I'm just kidding! (any less money I would shoplift with God on my side)

    Is there anything Chase you have as a hobby? Interests and so on?

    I had my guitars gathering dust for years but recently discovered how great I am (again) - Well - not the worlds best guitarist - no way - but I got my own style - and depression helped me - I am grateful and have used it!

    I'm in England - Up North - and am just a guy like you - maybe a lot older but proof you can survive this.

    The one mistake I made - was assuming I had to keep it all to myself.

    So learn from me buddy - and I'm sure you have a few tricks also - coping strategies and so on.

    Hope you have some family you maybe stay with a few days?

    You got us here - to talk to and get feedback from.

    Sure - you don't know us yet - but - stick around mate - you came here alone but you got a friend if you want one.

  5. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    It says you are making a choice - but on your own - with no friend to advise you or comfort you.

    Sure it feels like you have nothing left to live for - but please do get some help - speak again to the nice doctor - some are nice you know!

    If you feel like dying - get some help - have a rest in hospital maybe - get someone to drop in and feed the cats.

    Hope you decide to live mate.

    Life changes day to day - but we have to be there for those changes - and also we have to do something to occupy our time - to have goals - and we can actually find some if you talk to us.

    We all have dreams - shattered though they might be - we can find others.

    From the ruins of a thousand yesterdays - we find something creative.

    Hope your stay here is as useful as mine.

    Do stick around nowlost

    Your lost 'now' - but we all have to get lost before we find our way again.

    There is a path out there for you.

    Best of luck - and my sympathy and empathy.
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