the day I'll be gone

Hi everyone.

Ya, me again. Some of u may remember me from a past thread I started a month ago. Well, if u wonder y I'm still here, is just because I haven't finished my issues yet. By the time, I only have one more thing to fix.. well, I know it won't be fixed, but at least I'm gonna try anyway.

People, please, I'm not starting this thread for u to judge me or save me in any way, UNDERSTAND THAT, I know u guys don't want me to do this, but there's a lot of work behind this shit and I can't help it, clear? (if I get a "don't do it, let me save u message, I'll just ignore it)

Anyway, since I am in the last stage of the process of suicide, I'd like to have some thoughts from u about death. Maybe some of u survived an attempt, tell me about it, maybe u had a friend who already did it, tell me about it, if u attempted suicide what were ur thoughts...or just anything ^^

Just for u to know, these last 2 weeks have been a living hell, I feel like I love my enemies, I feel like I already found redemption and stuff... but the fact that some ppl don't understand is still killing me, and I just can't make them understand, just don't know y ppl have to be so childish...*sigh*

Anyway, thx in advance

 

I know very much how you feel, and I have the same thought as you...

 

ya, I know u do ^^
I'm writing to someone now, I'll send her an email in order to fix things and get to good terms, then I'll be free to write my final letter to everyone around me. < Mod Edit Hazel: Date>

 

People want to help. But if you are looking for them to agree with you, it's hard to find any person in their right mind who will tell you go ahead. What will they post if you say you don't need help? Believe me, people here want to stop you from doing this, but you are resisting.
I know I will never stop being your friend.
But if you keep acting so determined, it's harder for people on here to try to help.
I know that you are kind, caring, sensitive and very learned for your age, and I know once people get to know you, they will agree.
Please, as a friend, listen just for one day to what some caring people on here, who want for you to live and be happy again, want to say to you.
If you hurt yourself, I will never get over it. I mean that.
If I had my way, I'll come and save you.

 

Gosh this is hard as you said you will ignore any replies that involve trying to convince you to stay and fight so I will refrain but know that is my heartfelt desire to reach out to you on that level..
As far as attempts go I will tell you that two of the three I remember very vividly and as I can not go into details I will simply say this on the OD I began to drift off very calmly and then it hit me THIS IS IT and the fear that over came me was more than any fear I had prior to or since...it is a very primal and deep fear and there was nothing to combat it. The other was the same..THIS IS IT...that feeling of fear and the thought of what if there is an answer right around the corner hits you hard and I drifted into unconsciousness feeling immense regret and fear...trust me there is nothing calm or peaceful about it...your body knows what is coming and fights with all its might...I don't know if this is any help and prolly not much of a deterrent at all but it is what for you asked for.
I really like the idea someone posted above....just letting the caring in for one day...what have you got to lose? You have the world to gain and if I knew I could be this happy I never would have attempted so long ago...live is not perfect but sure is a helluva lot better.
I am here for you in any way that you will allow...please allow the love in..
Bambi
P.s. I have a date to but that is more as a comfort to me..a statement to myself that I don't have to take this pain if I ultimately choose not to. I have had dates before and of course they have passed so maybe you just need a date as a comfort like me...i totally understand that so if you would like to talk about that with me PM me as I understand that one for sure...

Love Bambi

 

Oss, I think that some people think of suicide in a way that is part fantasy,
part peaceful, part poetic. The imagination projects an end to life that brings peace and an end to problems.

The reality is not the same however. Dying like that is ugly.
It goes against everything true, beautiful and life-giving.
It goes against man's basic instinct for life.
It's not beautiful, but it's full of horror.
Your blood stills, you turn strange unnatural colors, lips turn blue, skin also a combination of blue, purple and crimson, or pale.
Your muscles become rigid and lifeless. You become hard like marble.
Your stony eyes stare upwards toward the ceiling looking at nothing.
The last expression on your face is one of despair and horror. Pain.
Forever registered on your features. And those who love you will forever remember that frozen look.
You body will be cold, your hands will not respond to an embrace.
It will just lay their lifeless.
You may vomit all over yourself,making a mess of your clean room, and you will smell horribly.
Blood will be dispersed through your vomit.
You may have feces all over you, and urine because of loss of control of body functioning.
If the weather is warm, when they find you you'll begin to smell.
It's not pretty.
But the worse pain will be when your mother have to identify your body, all of that will dim in comparison to that scene when she first realize she'll never see you alive again.

 

If you don't want people to stop you, fine.

I am sorry if you feel as though you're being judged..

but honestly, I think you're selfish.

It's all about you, letting go of your pain and feeling at peace.
What about everyone who cares about you?
Your family and friends, will they be at peace? What if all of them killed themselves in response to your death?

Humans, born with holes in your hearts, feeling empty forever because no matter what you put in there it's never enough to fill you up, is it?

I can't stop you, but you should stop yourself.

 

Oss, I think you write English like a native. You must be very smart. I don't think you have been to an English speaking country, as far as I know, but they way you write, you'll never know that. You write English as though it's your first language.
I have been studying Spanish for years and I am not at good at it. Bet you will be good English teacher.

 

so are u questioning I'm not from where I told u I was?
ok fine I'll reply in my mother tongue then... to all of u, i dont care if u dont get it, it's just to prove u I'm not a native speaker of english.

Haber, primero q nada soy Chileno, tengo 21 años y si escribo bien en inglés casi como un nativo es porque estudio pedagpgía en inglés. Es fácil de comprender, siempre me ha gustado el inglés, desde q era cabrochico, y siempre desee poder haber nacido en Estados Unidos porque creo es un gran país... en lo personal, odio mi país, lo detesto.

Con respecto al tema de si soy egoísta, pues no, no lo soy. Sé q eso es algo por lo q la gente normalmente me atacaría, pero saben q? yo he sido lo suficiente bueno con todo el mundo y jamás recibí nada, acaso no es eso ser egoísta? Toda la gente es así, entiendan esa wea! Y me cansé de esforzarme por gente q no es capaz de valorar, es siempre la misma wea una y otra vez.... vayanse a la xuxa! ud tendrán su propio pensamiento, pero yo ya estoy cansado de dar explicaciones y argumentar q mis razones son las correctas.... en fin... me harte de escribir tb.. a la mierda con todo xao!

 

Oss, I know that you are from Chile. I was not ever doubting that, sweetheart. I was just amazed that you write so well, just like an American. I think you must be very talented with languages. I think I admire that in you. No matter what I write, I know that you will understand my words because you know English so well.

Honey, READ what I wrote again. You'll see that I don't doubt you one bit. I envy your ability to write another language so well.

Not many people I know, write a second language so fluently, if it's not their mother tongue.

Honey, you are an excellent linguist.

 

I'll second that. You write as though you have seen it first hand as well, flowingriver. It's not pretty and not peaceful at all and yes it does leave a path of destruction and despair in it's wake, no matter how insignificant you may be thinking your life is. I am sorry you feel this way Oss.
I will be scarred for life from my mother leaving via suicide and now I poison people around me because of it. Suicide is traumatising. Whoever finds you will be fucked up for life. :/

 

But the worse pain will be when your mother have to identify your body, all of that will dim in comparison to that scene when she first realize she'll never see you alive again.

I have to agree with this Oss....my ex and I identifying our sons body is imprinted into my mind forever and causes me post traumatic stress syndrome...
not pretty after a suicide death and he was in a body bag which upset me no end.... it took quite a few minutes for him to die and would've been very traumatic for him....
I don't want you or your parents to go through this....:hugtackles:

and I didn't know you weren't English either.....You write so well ....

 

My parents won't be the ones who find me, it will be the ones in charge of the boarding house I live in... and to be honest I'm not in a good mood right now, I'm extremely pissed off... today I realized once again nobody gives a shit... all my so called "friends" are superficial bastards, the hide behind the screens of their computers to talk or say things when they are fucking wasted, they can't tell things directly to my face how it is supposed to be... gah! shitty day!

Fuck off!

 

Oss I'm sorry if I upset you......I didn't meant to....:hug::wub:

 

Hi Oss, I hope that you had a good night rest. I hope you are refreshed and relaxed. Weekend is finally here. I hope that you can come to the United States, sometime. I think you will enjoy it here. It's very large and I assure you you'll never be bored for a minute in your visit. And if you like to, you may even cross into Canada and see the sights. Very cold in some parts of the northern hemisphere. So you might need to bring a winter jacket, or buy one if you get here in the cold months, late September to March.

Anyway, I have grown very close to you in the past few days. I consider you now as a close friend. Have you had any new thoughts or perception on these past few days. Any new insights?
Have you done anything pleasant for yourself, lately?

 

ya, listening to music and spending time alone... as usual.
does that count?
take care

 

Love you, hon.:hugtackles:

 

Oss, I'm not going top let you go without a fight.