The day my heart broke

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by SZmom, Jun 13, 2010.

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  1. SZmom

    SZmom Member

    We mostly sit in silence. Not too much to say. Nothing is normal now since that fateful day. I don’t understand why my children had to die. They were such good people. I tried so hard to be a good mom and to keep you happy, healthy, and safe. I failed. I am so sorry
    That I don’t know how to push through..
    Date Sat, May 29
    Today I woke up with that image, that terrifying image. Cried for a bit. Told Sarah and Zach how sorry I am that their beautiful lives ended so suddenly. If I had some magic power to change things, I would. I try to focus on my babies lives, but doing that enforces the fact that they are gone and all the things they and I will miss. A drivers license, graduations, becoming working adults, engagements, weddings, babies, and so many more meaningful things. I should have kept them safe.

    My life has been mostly crappy. I was assaulted by my father, I don’t really remember when it started, Then when I was 11, my parents divorced. From age 11 we moved quite a bit & were quite poor, I was bullied terribly in gr 8. Went to the same high school from gr 9 to 12. Although we moved 3 times during high school, I met Vince when I was 16 and found some solid ground with him. We married in 1984, when I was 18 and he was 21. We bought a house & started working. We had Kayla in 1988 , our first beautiful daughter. In 1991 we had our second beautiful daughter Sarah. We decided to move from T.O to a small town Ont. Finally in 1993 we had our handsome baby boy Zach. We were so happy for 17 years living in ON. Then in 2006 IBM laid Vince off after 24.5 yrs and my world slowly started to crumble. By 2008 we could no longer afford to live in Ont as Vince never found a good paying job. So we sold our home with great sadness and moved to NL. That December Vince’s dad was diagnosed with end stage colorectal, liver and lymph node cancer. We were all devastated. Then in Feb 2009 My mom got ill and went downhill rapidly. I went home to be with her, By the time I arrived at the hospital she was all ready on as many life support machines possible. We were informed that she was 1 of the 10 sickest people in the GTA. On Feb 25th I had to be the one to enforce Mom's wishes & have the machines turned off ( she always asked me to make sure she would never be even put on life support) and watch my mother die. I returned back to NL a few days later to accusations that I didn’t care or think about hubby while I was in Ont. Excuse me for focusing on my dying mother. I was gone to the hospital from about 10-10. I missed Sarah’s 18th birthday while away and I am so sorry for that. When I returned home was when Vince slowly started to let me in on our terrible financial situation. In June Sarah went to Prom in Ont with all her childhood friends, She came home mid July, Zach went to Ont for Rugby Canada tournament he returned home at 4am. August 13th.The next day Di & her bunch, Vince & I went sightseeing down the shore so the house would be quiet so Zach could sleep. By the time we got back Zach was up and he & Sarah were starving. Di wanted an authentic Newfoundland fish supper. We had to take 2 cars because there weren’t enough seatbelts in the van so Sar took her car. Zach, Zoe & Hailey went with her. We left to go to the restaurant & Sar followed. About halfway I noticed Sar was not in sight, I panicked . Turn around, turn around. We turned around & drove for a few minutes, then I saw it, A big pick up askew on the road & my babies car in the ditch. We stopped, I got out and ran down the ditch to find my beautiful Sarah in a semi conscious state. She was trying to say something, I told her it’s okay& I love her so much,I tried to open her door & couldn‘t So I told her I was going to see Zach. I ran around the car while Hubby was trying to get in through the windshield. I went to my precious baby boy, he was non responsive, he was already getting cold. I tried to find his pulse…anywhere, where the hell is his pulse, oh my boy. I took off my glasses, put them under his nose to see if he was breathing, nothing, oh my God Oh my God, I think I knew he was leaving this earth. I told him I loved him so very much, if it hurts too much, go to God, it is okay, I will love you forever. I notices a lot of people standing on the side of the road and screamed if anyone had called an ambulance. I got no response so I ran to the van & push the emergency OnStar button, told them where were & that we needed 4 ambulances and air ambulance on standby as there were 4 children critically injured. I then ran back to Sarah & held her hand, Vince was with Zach I think. At some point the ambulance & emergency support arrived. I moved out of the way while they used the jaws of life. Suddenly they had Sarah, there was so much blood coming from between her legs. It was pooring like a faucet. Into the ambulance her & I went. I had to sit in the front so the EMT could work on my baby. At some point along the way to hospital, the EMT announce Sarah was in V fib. I knew that was terrible. In silence except for the siren, we arrived at the hospital. As I got out of the ambulance I noticed T.V. camera, while they brought Sarah in I chased the guy away. When I went in the hospital They were bring Sarah into the trauma room. I wanted in, I need to be with my baby. With no way in some nurses brought me to the quiet room. It didn,t seem very long when the dr came in and said " I am very sorry but your child did not survive, she is dead....NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My Sar, NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! They shoved an ativan or 2 in my mouth. A short time later My loving husband came in and told me what I think I already knew. Our baby boy is gone, he is dead too, we lost 2 of our children. Zach's blood was all over Vince's hands. I asked if Sarah and zach could be put in the same room so they were together. We were let in the room. There were my babies laying so still and quiet and cold. They were so cold and I know they were hungry, my poor babies were so hungry. I don't know how long we stayed and I don't remember much for the next few months. I remember Zach's friends singing Wagonwheel at the funeral.

    And now I sit alone most of the day. Hubby and I get more distant everyday, I am sure the days are not many until he says he can't live with his pain & watching me in so much pain is more than he can bear. I am scared for when this day comes.

    Today is 10 months since the accident, My mom's birthday just past on June 10th, which was a Thursday...the 43 Thursdays since the tragedy.
    I don't know how long I can suffer this endlessness
  2. Mikeintx

    Mikeintx Well-Known Member

    I don't really even know what to say to your situation other than I am so sorry for this horrible event to happen to you. Not much effects me but this story brought a tear to my eye, I am truly sorry for your loss. I hope you are able to find some kind of peace, if you even need someone to listen feel free to PM me. Welcome to SF, take care.
  3. SZmom

    SZmom Member

    thanks, every caring heart helps
    Still struggling. Anxious, & edgy.
  4. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry to hear about your double loss - my heart broke when I read this. :(
    Have you thought about going for grief counselling with your husband?
  5. SZmom

    SZmom Member

    I am seeing My fam doc every week, my pdoc, twice a week, & my mental health nurse twice a week.
    My husband won't go to see anyone.
  6. Hazel

    Hazel SF & Antiquitie's Friend Staff Alumni

    My heart goes out to you, to loose one child would be devastating but to loose two must be totally unbearable.
    I don't know what to say but hope that sharing this with us will somehow help.

  7. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    I am so sorry for this. there is nothing in the world worse than this. I dont know what I can do, but I am here.
    I am so sorry.
  8. SZmom

    SZmom Member

    Going to go do some contemplating....Thanks everyone
  9. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    You could maybe suggest to your husband that coming with you might help you, see if he budges, because that could help him too.
  10. SZmom

    SZmom Member

    I have tried, but he wants to keep his feelings private.
    Oh, I just don't know what to do. I am feeling like hospitalization is the only thing that will save me for now.
  11. Mikeintx

    Mikeintx Well-Known Member

    If that is what will keep you safe than do that. Many people on SF have gone to the hospital when they felt unsafe and it has saved many lives :hug:
  12. DeVon72176

    DeVon72176 Active Member

    That was very upsetting and I'm sorry for your loss.

    There's nothing I can say to take away your pain. Nothing. Only time can do that, and it will never take all of the pain away. You are a mom.

    I will say this. It was not your fault. I know that doesn't mean anything as many people have probably told you this already. And I don't expect it to. You are a mom and a parent. You are going to blame yourself and I understand that.

    I just wanted to say it, because I know it's true.

    It's not your fault. And your children know it, too. I'm sure they smile on you even now, knowing how much you love them.
  13. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    szmom I'm so so sorry for your loss......I know what it's like to lose one child but can't imagine how you feel losing 2....
    my heart goes out to you and your husband....
    I hope we can be some support for you.....:hugtackles:
  14. SZmom

    SZmom Member

    I am going to see my mental health nurse today...hopefully I can get the help I need so desperately.

    Thanks for all the support gang, I appreciate it
  15. ballinluig

    ballinluig Well-Known Member

    my deepest wishes go out to u and ur husband. ive not been in a situation of loosing a child but i did loose my 'baby' brother 15 years ago in a rta. he was 26, just left home and been married for 5 weeks.

    all he did was go into the local town to pay his wages intoi the bank. then on the way home some chap hit him, Rob was n a 1100cc bike, the car hit Rob and then he went over that car and was hit by 2 other cars.

    i can remeber that day with precise minute by minute detail.
    All i ever wanted to know was what did Robin know about it all. We saw the manager at A&E and he said Robin was at level 3 when he was brought in ( level 15 fully concious-level 1 dead. So level 3 was brain dead) so he didnt know anything and didnt feel any pain. That was a comfort in one way.

    All i can say it was hard, damn hard but with time u do seem to get by day by day- even though thats hard. I never ever forget Robin, or all the things we did when we were kids. I now have 3 sons of my own and they know all about their uncle.

    Time does heal, but atm to u thats not helping u by what im saying.

    if u want please pm me and with someone else listening to you it might help a wee bit xx

    Please do take any help u can get and i prey and hope for u. god bless donnaxx
  16. toofargone

    toofargone Account Closed

    Oh hon, I am so sorry. I can't imagine the pain that you and your husband have been through.

    You mentioned God in your post, so I am assuming you have some sort of faith. If you do, and your husband shares this, would it be possible for either or both of you to go to church and have some counseling with the pastor? Or if your husband isn't willing to go, maybe the pastor could come to your home? He/she could claim it was just a social visit, and if they happen to get to talking to you and hubby, then so be it.

    Please get whatever help you need to get some comfort. I will sure pray that both of you can find some relief from your grief.

    I don't know why things like this happen. I don't believe there is any explanation that we will ever understand. Just know that you are in people's thoughts and prayers.
  17. SZmom

    SZmom Member

    Feeling really bad. I just got called to tell me my father in law is in the ER with chest pain.
    I am feeling really anxious and scared.....
  18. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    I'm so sorry for all of your losses SZmom. I'm sure that Zach and Sarah are angels looking down on you now. It's so unfair that their lives ended at such a young age. As much as you would like to be with them again (in heaven or the afterlife), I don't think that they would want you to end your life. I'm also sorry for the deaths of your mother and father. Affter losing so many loved ones, I can really understand why you might want to end your life, but please don't give up hope. :hug:
  19. SZmom

    SZmom Member

    Thursday the 13th will be 1 year.
    I don't know how to reach that day then get through it
  20. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I am so so sorry for the loss of your two beautiful children......
    I lost one child 7 months ago and understand how terrible you must feel...
    I can only imagine what it's like to lose 2 children and my heart goes out to you....
    I am glad you have proffesional support but it's sad that your husband won't seek help..

    here if you need to if you need to..
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