The days I survived.

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by PeterPetrelli, Jan 4, 2008.

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  1. PeterPetrelli

    PeterPetrelli New Member

    As silly or funny or stupid as it sounds, I survived my last attempt by tiring myself out and oversleeping.
    I had decided to end it, and every I had many reasons to die and none to live. I had planned to die at night, so that way if something did go wrong and I was still a bit alive then no one would be able to help me in anyway. I wanted to spend my last day loved by someone, but the closest I'd get to that is my friend who I love so much. She came online the night before and then she was planning to leave and get something else done, so without waiting till she gets back I told her what I was planning. What I didn't expect was that she would get so upset by this, and every thing was just messed up that day and I actually felt bad about what I was doing. In a way I hurt her by telling her that I was going to kill myself. I didn't have a chance to tell her that I loved her, because she herself was too tired to even talk but she kept trying to change my mind and she tried to stay awake. But because we couldn't chat properly, I told her to get some sleep and that I'd be around just one more day. The next day we were talking the whole day again but again I didn't have a chance to tell her and I wanted her to finish her assignments first and then talk, so I delayed again. The next day I was determined, and finally told her that I love her after talking for a long while and then disconnected right after that. I wanted to talk to her over the phone instead but I didn't want to change my mind or delay any longer. Then all that remained was half the day. But with about 2 hours of sleep on each day, it starts to have an effect on the body by the end of the 3rd day. So even before the sun could set, I had passed out in the room and didn't wake up until the next morning after sun up, and a terrible morning that was. For 3 days I didn't want to shed a tear even though I did a few time, I was crying the whole morning through just like when I knew my grandmother wasn't around to look after anymore. I was crying because I had failed again at something and that I was still around and I felt so bad about everything, especially that I still felt so alone. I even hit myself a lot because I really wanted to die but I had missed the night. By lunch time I had some work to do so I fixed myself up and went into town, and when I got back I just went to bed because I didn't know what to do.
    I just can't remember if my friend tried calling me or if I went online or called her, but somehow I told her that I was still around. She was glad and said I should take this as a sign. The weeks after that she helped me through and we talked a lot.

    So things were getting better suddenly after that. She and I even got more closer and talking online as if we were still face to face. And we were preparing and looking forward to me flying back again. And I found my reason to live and that was because I know I love my friend. And in the last 4 months I've done a lot and accomplished a lot, as if I were a new me.

    I remember the attempt I made many years ago before I met my friend, even though I failed at that too I somehow got over that because in the months that followed I got to travel around, pretty much a quarter away around the world. So things went great then, by going to various places I changed, that's how I found my current hobby and brought me back into the arts I like. When I think about it, because I traveled I managed to find the university I wanted to study at, where I met my friend and had some fun times.

    Of course things are not better right now with me and my friend, so I won't be flying back yet. But I hope that good things will happen to us.
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am glad things worked out the way they did so you could be here to tell us your story. I hope things get better again between you and your friend. :hug:
  3. PeterPetrelli

    PeterPetrelli New Member

    I hope that's the last time I ever have a story to write like that again, because I want to live.
    And I decided I don't want to be friends with this girl anymore so for some funny reason I feel happy again because I don't have that word friend and love running in my head.
    To me, she's just some girl I love, so hopefully things will work as strangers.
  4. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    I'm glad that things worked out pretty well for you Peter. And don't worry, one day someone will come along who will love you for who you are.
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