the decision has been made

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by shermana55, Aug 11, 2012.

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  1. shermana55

    shermana55 Active Member

    I can no longer live like this. I can't go on like this. I have tried to fake it, I have tried to become better, I have tried to be strong, but I simply cannot anymore. I can't continue like this. I want everyone to know it WASN'T their faults. Nothing anyone could have said or done would have changed my decision. This is all my MIND'S FAULT. My mind and it's inability to function correctly. And that will never change. I cannot bear this pain anymore, this internal suffering. I have to go. I just have to figure out how and when. The time that will least hurt anyone. I have to distance myself from everyone first so I am not hurting as many people and they forget about me first.
     
  2. jakesaysrelax

    jakesaysrelax Member

    I don't know what to say to make you feel better. But for me, when someone notices and hears my cries any response is enough to keep me going.
    I really hope you're okay and haven't hurt yourself or done something you can't take back.

    I just want you to know that I care for you and if there was anything I could do to help a complete stranger like you get through what you're going through I would do it.
    No ones cries should go unanswered.
     
  3. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    Gianna, if I may call you that now, maybe what you need is a bit of acceptance. How did your mind come to feel it's inadequate and malfunctioning in the first place?

    Maybe you had too much rejection, too many misunderstandings, too many times you just couldn't fit in. But none of those things, make you what you say you are now. They just mean that people so far, have been intolerant, ignorant, judgemental etc...

    You are thoughtful, thinking how you can hurt people the least, considerate... sympathy. Would a brain that is really so damaged be able to conjure up sympathy for others? Would it be able to consider how others would feel, or how they would hurt?

    It probably wouldn't be able to think like that. But your mind is thinking. Just really deep thinking.

    That deep thought does not make you incapable mentally; it just makes you quite outstanding. The issue, I believe, perhaps is that you think in depth about what is wrong with you, and why. It's not that your brain doesn't work, then, but rather that it works too well.

    I know it feels like a heavy burden, and a curse... but think of how many times you thought in depth about everything. About who you are, and why, and about how you can or can't fix things, and why... I am sure you have answered many "why's" already, with your mind; but there's never that solution that you can carry out, that will make it feel better.

    This same mind that is concerned about others, is concerned about you too, and that concern might just need a little shift in a new direction; maybe the kind of shift that isn't done alone, but with support.

    Right now you want to push people away. They don't understand, and all you do is hurt them anyway. You want to just go be alone, and curl up into a ball, and fade away. As if you never existed at all.

    But to some people, you exist, even if you are gone... and that existence. They will be concerned no matter which direction you go, keep that in mind. There is no real way to minimize that... because that influence is their perspective alone.

    Come back here and talk, break things down more. Get out of your head for a bit, or let your head out of you in written form; so that it's not torturing you all the time. Give your ideas a place to go. Give them a space to reside, that's not always in your heart.
     
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