i'm really not even sure where to begin. i guess i will start things off by admitting that i am an addict. i'm not proud of it. in fact it grieves me greatly. i'm not the typical "stoner" if you will. i do maintain a stable home and job. i don't make a heck of a lot of money, but what i do make i should certainly be able to make it through the month. i can't do this though. all throughout my life i have been able to turn bad situations into something good even if it's minute. i can't seem to do it this time. i am beginning to believe with all my heart that the only way i'm gonna get over this is through death. when i gave up drinkin ten years ago it was really really easy because i found a good enough reason not to do it anymore, but i can't come to the same conclusion with this and how badly i wish i could. i'm afraid of doing the rehab thing because i'm afraid it will effect the case i have in court right now. not even mentioning the disappointment within my family. i could live with that i think. the court thing i can't. i just don't know where to go from here. i know there are NA and AA meetings i could go to, but i've been in them before and they never helped unfortunately. i really do want so badly to be rid of this demon that's got me. i hate it with a terrible passion. it's going to be the death of me.