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"The Dreams In Which I'm Dying Are The Best I've Ever Had"

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I have gone through my life waiting to die. To be killed. To be a part of some sickening accident. I have lusted after these twisted fantasies since my young childhood.

I wish Gandalf was right, that there was some glistening countryside that we descend upon as our mortal lives end. There is no such happiness for me. These are fairytale endings created by scared people, to relieve them of the fear of becoming nothing.

I could care less about this life. I have felt pale glimmers of something that feigns happiness. Never blissful, never truly happy. Sure I smile, and act like an idiot to make everyone laugh...but it is only because I am trying to hide something broken inside. My smiles are fear. My anger is fear. I just want to walk across the street and get hit by a bus. I want to die, but I have tried before and it never works. I don't want to wake up and be disappointed again I just want to stop being apart of this.

No one even knows that inside I am screaming for help. I'm wading through water slowly, ready to sink into the depths and be swallowed by eternal nothingness. I wish there was something to keep me here...however, each day is a new hell, and I am becoming evermore angry that things turned out this way. I am stuck, though my wishes are grand, nothing has ever gotten better, and I don't see change on the horizon.

There is nothing and no one. I am not good at anything. I am not good looking. I can't afford school, or an apartment away from this cycle of physical torture. I can't by myself, a lesbian, for fear of having the shit beaten out of me like it did the first time. I can't find a job in this economy that isn't just seasonal, and I can't even get my drivers license, because my parents are too lazy to help me...

I am just falling more and more, and it keeps coming back to the same answer. I asked my doctor for depression medication, but I have tried them all. They don't work, and just make me more suicidal. I can't even get any because I might have to go in for another surgery tomorrow.
Nothing is going right, I just need to stop this. There are no permanent solutions, no one willing to help. Just sleeping away my life, because nothing is changing. I just crave silence. Forever. .
I don't know how I can make it through another day.

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
There are so many newer meds hun you cannot have tried them all the newer meds have less side effects they do work for depression for decreasing the thoughts of suicide When in hospital for your surgery ask the doctors about the newer meds ask for therapy to help you heal hun okay there is hope hun and i know it is hard to ask for help but jsut do it okay keep asking until you get what you need


Staff Alumni
Hi Valinor,


Have you ever gone to therapy before with a psychologist or counselor? Sometimes, meds can only do so much.

Thanks for telling us what you are going through. Someone (we) knows that you want help now. We're here to lend an ear as a friend, but we can only do so much. I hope to hear back from you, and I wish you well.

Lastly, here is your long overdue "Welcome" to the SF forums. It's my absolute pleasure to welcome you. :hug:

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