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The emerging end: Outsider's end.

johnDoen

Outsider in the Realm of Lost and Found
#1
This thread is basically me wanting to die very badly and is working on a specific method, date and location for an event of suicide. I feel like I need to talk to someone first before doing it.

How typical, history repeats itself! It's exactly like when I decided to book a therapy session instead of committing to the suicidal schedule 2 years ago. What could have gone wrong?

It wasn't like people would condemn me for wanting to die, being introverted and isolated, being weak of a man, not thinking about everyone else's feelings and thoughts or neglecting my duty and responsibilities of a man living in this society.
It wasn't like I signed up for interrogation and humiliation, instead of therapy sessions, where my therapist asked me yes/no questions about my work and life without paying a damn attention to a freezing weak man of a patient in front of her.
It wasn't like I was showered with self-help contents, such as "Have a growth mindset, it's all in your head" or "You can choose happiness, so do it now". Well, I think I made up all of that.
It wasn't like I lied to save myself from all of the above, to pretend I'm normal and functional to this society, and to prove that I have not been hiding another suicidal or genocidal plan.
It wasn't like I have been feeling suicidal and lonely everyday.

This thread is my idea and opinion, how I say "help me" for the last time, I hope. I welcome practical advice and empathy, though I'm not sure how it's going to be helpful. In fact, I don't even know if want to reply to anyone in this thread nor put a like on other's posts as an appreciation like how I used to. It's over. It's the end. I'm tired.

I'm about to fix my own problem, permanently for the sake of others and mine. I'm not joking here, though - just being sarcastic for a bit of entertainment. If you are hurt from the lines above, why does that matter to me? I'm hurt, too, but I'm smiling... I guess.

Then again, everything is easier said than done. I better move on and do something this time. Damn it, I must forgive everyone and see God in person.
 

Crossflow

Active Member
#2
John... I wish you would read all the nice things you wrote to others here and receive them also for yourself.
You would be kind to a cat (like your avatar), wouldn't you? Please be kind to yourself.
 
#3
Sorry that you're feeling this way John.

Aside from seeing a therapist, have there been any other treatment methods that you've tried?

In most cases, things can get better with the right treatment.
 

johnDoen

Outsider in the Realm of Lost and Found
#4
This thread is basically a collected of desperation and depression, maybe? I don't want to reply because I cannot come up with anything kind to say.

The disappointment from the therapist has been lasting for 2 years now. It's time to move on for another sort of disappointment when it's affordable, either that or I have to go abroad as soon as possible.

If any of you is wondering about that list of nice things that I made and quoted, see the latest post. I'm tired of reviewing that thing for a couple a day for how fake it is, as if I'm not fake enough.

I just cannot take it anymore. Ask the staff to ban me when the things I post are just triggers and spams.
 

johnDoen

Outsider in the Realm of Lost and Found
#6
Going abroad for the purpose of getting a local phone number and dial a crisis hotline sounds strange. Then again, nothing is normal. A virus is popular. The population is viral. There are times when the nights are as bright as the days by the Arctic's summer. There are times when the days are as dark as the nights when the moon blocks the sun.

I need suggestion on method, location and date for the end of all end.
There is no miracle. I will have to begin reviewing my faith in God. Am I really a Christian or am I just pretending to be one?
 

Lane

SF Supporter
#7
This thread is basically a collected of desperation and depression, maybe? I don't want to reply because I cannot come up with anything kind to say.

The disappointment from the therapist has been lasting for 2 years now. It's time to move on for another sort of disappointment when it's affordable, either that or I have to go abroad as soon as possible.

If any of you is wondering about that list of nice things that I made and quoted, see the latest post. I'm tired of reviewing that thing for a couple a day for how fake it is, as if I'm not fake enough.

I just cannot take it anymore. Ask the staff to ban me when the things I post are just triggers and spams.
I know its exhausting when fighting suicidal feelings @johnDoen. For what it's worth I think you're such a great asset to this forum. History doesnt have to repeat itself. I come from a family if suicides. I was taken in as a baby. But my foster fathers father, my grandfather killed himself as did my foster father (the only father I knew). His sister (my aunt) attempted as well as my sister (foster sister). My mother always expressed how against suicide she is, that to her it was cowardly...and luckily she has a strong impression on me. She passed about 5 months ago. I hope that you will try to be strong and keep coming here for support.
 

Lane

SF Supporter
#8
I also gave myself a date to die @johnDoen and I cant honestly say that I wont kill myself one day. I dont think I'll ever feel as low as I have as I have in the past and I hope you dont feel that sad.

Please work on healing. Life is so short. Life also is so hard. I'm sorry to sound preachy but your post touched me.
 

johnDoen

Outsider in the Realm of Lost and Found
#9
I also gave myself a date to die @johnDoen and I cant honestly say that I wont kill myself one day. I dont think I'll ever feel as low as I have as I have in the past and I hope you dont feel that sad.

Please work on healing. Life is so short. Life also is so hard. I'm sorry to sound preachy but your post touched me.
Threads like these, often titled with something "outsider", were made when I was hurt the most by the daily suicidal thoughts. I guess I'll have to stop making them as they are not really helpful or positive, or anything of significant. I forget I made this thread until I see the word "outsider".

"History repeats itself", what I meant, is about how the current situation is emerging to be exactly as how it was 2 years ago, for me, when I was treated like shit for wanting to kill myself. Is it because I am the only one in my family that have ever thought of suicide, a weakling among the strong, a black sheep among the white ones, an imposter among my own people?

It's unfortunate for the history of your family, @Lane. I hope that history won't repeat in your case.
 

Mymindsmine

Well-Known Member
#10
This thread is basically me wanting to die very badly and is working on a specific method, date and location for an event of suicide. I feel like I need to talk to someone first before doing it.

How typical, history repeats itself! It's exactly like when I decided to book a therapy session instead of committing to the suicidal schedule 2 years ago. What could have gone wrong?

It wasn't like people would condemn me for wanting to die, being introverted and isolated, being weak of a man, not thinking about everyone else's feelings and thoughts or neglecting my duty and responsibilities of a man living in this society.
It wasn't like I signed up for interrogation and humiliation, instead of therapy sessions, where my therapist asked me yes/no questions about my work and life without paying a damn attention to a freezing weak man of a patient in front of her.
It wasn't like I was showered with self-help contents, such as "Have a growth mindset, it's all in your head" or "You can choose happiness, so do it now". Well, I think I made up all of that.
It wasn't like I lied to save myself from all of the above, to pretend I'm normal and functional to this society, and to prove that I have not been hiding another suicidal or genocidal plan.
It wasn't like I have been feeling suicidal and lonely everyday.

This thread is my idea and opinion, how I say "help me" for the last time, I hope. I welcome practical advice and empathy, though I'm not sure how it's going to be helpful. In fact, I don't even know if want to reply to anyone in this thread nor put a like on other's posts as an appreciation like how I used to. It's over. It's the end. I'm tired.

I'm about to fix my own problem, permanently for the sake of others and mine. I'm not joking here, though - just being sarcastic for a bit of entertainment. If you are hurt from the lines above, why does that matter to me? I'm hurt, too, but I'm smiling... I guess.

Then again, everything is easier said than done. I better move on and do something this time. Damn it, I must forgive everyone and see God in person.
Well I’m sad your prepared to give up and let others have that kind of power over you. You sound like the kinda of people we need isn’t his works to teach others. Personally you sound so intelligent over your feelings I’d be sad that it got the better of you.
 
#11
I guess I'll have to stop making them as they are not really helpful or positive, or anything of significant
A thread only has to be helpful to you to be worth posting. No one is expecting threads on a suicide forum to positive. It's ok to talk about whatever you're really feeling or going through.
I was treated like shit for wanting to kill myself
I'm sorry that this happened. People who are suicidal should be given help and support, not attacked. It's awful that people do this, but it happens all too often.
Is it because I am the only one in my family that have ever thought of suicide, a weakling among the strong, a black sheep among the white ones, an imposter among my own people?
It could be that your family members have also thought about or attempted suicide, but they haven't spoken about it.

Talking about how you really feel and reaching out for help is something both profoundly courageous and healthy. You deserve a lot of praise for doing those things even if others have failed to respond the way they should have.

A lot of people, I think most people on SF, have families that have failed them. Not only have they failed to give people support when they need it, but they are also usually a big part of why someone feels suicidal in the first place.
 

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