The end has come.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lg7594, Jul 21, 2012.

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  1. lg7594

    lg7594 New Member

    Greetings,

    I must begin by telling you my story.

    I was an unwanted child. My parents did not expect to have me, and ended up having me at a relatively old age (40 and 60, respectively). From what I can infer, I was a pretty happy child. I've seen many pictures of my birthday parties and I am seen smiling, having a blast. Then, my dad suffered of a stroke. His life was turned upside down. He went from being an artist and a musician to a mentally ill man confined to a wheel chair. My mother spent tens of thousands of dollars trying to aid him in his condition unsuccessfully, slowly leading us to bankruptcy. My father had progressively worsened and now he exhibits the traits of Alzheimer's disease, he is violent and has no idea where the hell is he. There is nothing left of the man I only know by pictures and stories.

    Even though my family was never perfect, I did enjoy of their company. I used to stay at my cousins' house for summer, my family in NY used to come over for a couple of weeks. I used to attend family reunions. Now, all that is gone. Mainly, the problems have arisen since we submerged ourselves in mountains of un-payable debt. My family problems are all money related. It has been a year since my mom and I lost all contact with our relatives, not to mention my fathers mom passed away last summer. Solitude haunts me.

    As a young child I was thought to be a prodigy. I used to attend second grade classes at the age of four. And by now, all my intelligence is gone. Even though I do excel in some classes, I deeply struggle with math. My school decided that it would be a good idea for my brain to be analyzed by a psychiatrist. I was tested on all kinds of things. The results of those tests revealed the nature of my troubled soul, and the she suggested that I visit a therapist for intensive 'treatment' twice a week. Soon, I realized that it was not working to heal my 'condition', and that my mother was struggling to pay him, so I decided not to go to him anymore.

    While I was in school (I am in summer vacation now) I used to be a book worm. I had a passion for the humanities and for knowledge in general, but as of right now, the will to continue to carry on those activities is completely gone. I haven't left the house in one month and I honestly have no will to leave anyways.

    Even though I still have a chance to succeed in life, I have no will to do so. I've come to a point in which I hate it when people compliment me for my talents. I am aware that I have a really sharp brain, but I'm afraid that because of all the misery that I've gone through, I will be unable to use it to a full capacity. I feel intellectually numb.

    Now, you may wonder why did I decide to join this forum? Well, its because I've been planning my suicide for a while already. In fact, I've been trying to kill myself since I was a toddler. After many unsuccessful attempts I have crafted a plan with a decent success rate. <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods>.

    Sadly, committing suicide is not such an easy thing for me. My mother lives for me, I am her sunshine. Her whole family had ostracized her and she has only one or two friends left. I'm afraid that my death would be too much of a blow for her. I am also very concerned for my cats and dogs.

    I've been facing this dilemma for a while already. To continue to live in pain just to please my mom, or to end my meddlesome existence. See, the thing is that I see it highly unlikely for me to succeed because I've come from such a miserable and horrible background. My demons have consumed me. <Mod Edit, WildCherry>
    I would highly appreciate any contribution.

    Thanks.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Depression hun it sucks the life out of a person but the thing is hun you can get treatment for your depression you can move forward and be the person you want to be ok Your mother will be consumed in darkness hun if you chose to leave. Get some help get the supports back in place to get you wanting to live again hugs
     
  3. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    You clearly understand that you are needed and your being gone would have a horrible impact on someone very important to you. What you may be overlooking is that the past is the past and your futures is unwritten.You clearly have the skilla and traits to be highly successful in life, and these times while hard and sad will become distant memories as you grow into being your own person. Your parents money problems are completely understandable and unfortunately common place when dealing with serious health issues - but they are that , your parents problems not yours. Do they effect you now? Of course they do- but they will not follow you into your life and it is not your responsibility to fix them in any way. You put it very well in your word choice of meddlesome - it is inconvenient in the moment and bothersome but very very far from hopeless.

    Take Care and Be Safe

    Ben
     
  4. Lps

    Lps Well-Known Member

    Lg, It can feel very heavy when others depend on you so much. Living to please other people will only make you feel more worn out. Somehow you need to get closer to your own happiness. I find that sometimes sad people would rather die than really tell the truth (which is surprising, and the world will always be much more upset with us for dying than just being honest). The truth being: what would I need in order to feel like life is worth living? We can spend a lot of time analyzing what went wrong but imho that doesn't go very far. And pills don't address the root cause of the depression (unless it's totally physical/chemical). When you get closer to your own happiness, life doesn't have to feel so painful.

    Oh and forgiveness is huge: forgiving yourself...and then the world and its people. I've come to think that suicide is the opposite of forgiveness. And if I saw a little kid suffering with in the same despair I've felt, I'd embrace them, not kill them. And stick up for them.
     
  5. lg7594

    lg7594 New Member

    Thanks,

    The thing is, I've always been depressive and suicidal, ever since I can remember. I've enjoyed of periods of happiness that to some extent help disguise my inner pain. I believe it's the way my brain is wired. And to some extent I seem to enjoy it when I suffer.

    And if I ever end up acting upon this inner desire it would not be anything abrupt or erratic. I would have everything perfectly calculated.
     
  6. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Part of that is simply life - it will always have ups and downs. Through age we hopefully gain some experience and wisdom useful for avoiding those pitfalls - but periods happiness followed by struggle is the norm. The fact that something is well planned does not automatically indicate it was erratic as erratic is the norm for most of us. The term abrupt I would take more as meaning inpatient for the next period of happiness or relative tranquility. The inner desire may or may not ever go away - but inner strength is just as persistent , especially if reinforced by resolve.
     
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