the end is near,

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Stranger1, Jun 23, 2008.

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  1. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I haven't been doing so good here lately. I think I have figured it out. my suicide is growing near and selfcontiuosly I am working on making sure I am ready for it.
    I truley have nothing to live for. My therapist thinks I am doing good. Little does she know. I have brought up suicide the last couple of visits and she just lets those thoughts roll right off her.
    Using my daughter and my grandaughter as deterents to keep from following thru is not working any more. She just keeps making excuses why she won't come down here. I want to get her away from her moms side of the family because they are all alcoholics and get so stinking drunk they don't know who they are. They drink till they black out. My daughter has it in her to do the same thing. It really screwed her up, Having everyone around her drinking and getting high.
    I would really like her to get down here around my family so she can see what it means to be sober. Even when I commit I will go knowing she is around loved ones who act like adults and look out for each other. The only active alcoholic in the family is my brother, erveryone else including me have quit drinking. The only time I drink is over the holidays I have some rum and eggnogs. Oh well I have got that off my chest. I feel better about my decision. I just don't have it in me to go on trying. Iam having one of those days where my thoughts get al garbled together. I'm done ranting...:chopper:
  2. butterflies32

    butterflies32 Well-Known Member


    I am so sorry you are feeling like this. You have seemed like you have been coping but I guess on here a lot of people never do. I had a similar experience wiith my therapist when I told her I was going to commit suicide. It wasn't until I told her that I had a plan in place as well as a date and time (given her some detail) did she finally sit up and take notice of me.

    It must be hard to want to protect your daughter but feel as if you can't. Remember however your daughter turns out, whether it is an alcoholic or a sensible women trying to turn her against her family who she lives with is only going to make her want to be with them even more. You can only be caring and supportive to her and make sure that she knows that you are there for her.

    You are a wonderful person and have osted me some really supportive advice. It would be ashame to see you end it all now.

    Here if you want to talk.

    Take care


  3. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member


    I know what you mean re mentioning suicide to the professionals & them just washing over it. They do that with me too, sometimes I am glad cos I don't want to be admitted but at the same time it gets me angry cos they know my history. Plus given the state of the NHS it's unlikely that I would be admitted.

    Your daughter & grandaughter have stopped you acting before, what has changed for that not to help anymore? If you want to support them both then you can do a better job alive than from beyond the grave :hug:

    You replied to a post of mine saying your Prozac wasn't working anymore. Why don't you see your doc & get a change of meds, see how things are in a few weeks.

    In the meantime keep posting, we are all here for you.
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Thank you butterflies,
    I know better than to try and have her make a choice. Her mom or me? It just crawls up and bites me on the ass. My ex took her and moved up north when she was five so I missed out and have grown very bitter towards my ex.
    You are right me talking shit about her mom isn't going to change anything. That is partly why I want it to end. I am so over the heartache!! I don't think my daughter has any idea how bad I am hurting and how guilty I feel for not being there for her...:chopper:
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hi Claire,
    I have been trying to get my daughter down here forever! I just recently have given up. It's not going to change, so instead of living with the pain I choose the end. I have already had a SA. I know how to do it right, the pain is only temperary. After fourteen years of this crap I am more than ready. Thank you for the thought...:chopper:
  6. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    i have been here for some time now and i have seen you post and reply to others and i can say that you come across as a sensible, warm hearted, caring, genuine, strong person.
    despite your own suffering you have taken the time to support others or just let them know they have been heard.
    it would be a crying shame to lose such a person as you bud.

    i know what you are saying about your daughter but its not about how things are now, things change bud, and when she is a little older she will make her own choices with you.
    but you can't take away her dad, i have been there before so i know what thats like but if you sit down and really think about this you will see that no matter what she is doing or where she is she will need her dad.

    sorry if this sounds a bit blunt but i felt i needed to remind you of how things can be and how strong you hve been .
  7. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    Howdy stranger. Your title reminds me of an old man walking down a sidewalk in a big city, carrying a signboard that says "Repent. The end is near!"

    I'm sorry to hear that you sound certain that your end is near. I've read a lot of your responses and posts, many of which you ask for more details so you can offer more help. What do you think you'd say to another sf member who wrote what you did?
  8. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

    The end is when we choose. Make sure you will choose wise.
  9. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I understand your frustration about your daughter being unwilling to come down to see you. Is it possible for you to go there and visit them? You also need to make your therapist aware that you have gone beyond thoughts of suicide. I read the replies you give to others telling them the importance of continuing on and how they can overcome so many things. I have the same advice for you. Yes you have been fighting for a long time. Don't let all that time and energy go to waste. You have fought for a reason. I hope that someday you can not only fight to live for your daughter and granddaughter, but for yourself as well. Please take care and stay safe. :hug:
  10. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    the world needs more kind and patient people, people like you. you give great advice and i enjoy reading your posts. listen to gentlelady - tell your therapist that you are more than thinking of suicide. that let's them know to coordinate the extra resources you need to get through this difficult time.
  11. unbearable

    unbearable Well-Known Member

    hi stranger,
    well I cant add anymore to what everyone else has already said but had to post to say we all care (and thats not hollow words) youve been understanding, caring and a great friend here, please dont give up on yourself.
    when i read your comments about feeling guilty over your daughter and the fact you want her to have a good life says so much about you as a person, there's a lot of people who abandon their kids without a second thought (my mother included) and you are so much better than putting yourself in that category because you do care, your a great person.

    take care
  12. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    Hi Stranger,

    Please don't give up, too many people here care about you. You have always been so thoughtful in replies to me & others that I have read.

    You owe it to yourself not to give up. Daughters always need their Dad's, it may not feel like that just now but perhaps in time she will realise what she has been missing & what you have been trying to do for her.

    It concerns me that you say you have already had 1 SA & you know how to do it right. Is it really worth the risk just in case, remember nothing is guaranteed when it comes to suicide?

    I really would urge you to go to your doctor & see about your meds, also tell your therapist just how close you are & that you feel that you could act on these thoughts.

    We are all here for you so please keep posting & keep us updated on how you are.

    :hug: Claire
  13. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I hear what you all are saying. I have been trying for so long and getting help for so long, it just has been eating away at me. The really bad thoughts started again about three years ago. I have been spinning my wheels for that long. I have been after her to move down hear for that long.
    When your an isolationist you are pretty much thinking negatively because you are so frustrated. I like to help others. Always have. When I was at Pinegrove I would help others and would contribute to the conversations. Normally I would just sit back and listen. The therapist and the nurses told me after six months I should apply for a job working there because I was good with my fellow clients.
    The thing is I don't want to break down in front of others. I am afraid I am walking a fine line. I'll keep posting once I get my thoughts back in order. Thank you for your concern!!!:chopper:
  14. butterflies32

    butterflies32 Well-Known Member


    Can I ask how old your daughter is now? You have so much to live for. Killing yourself is not the way to show your daughter how much pain you are in. I am aware you do not have much contact with her but can you not talk to her over the phone or arrange to met her up where she is? Do not give up on her and trying to stay in her life.

  15. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Butterflies no I don't mind telling you her age. She is 24 and my grandaughter is 7. I am trying to think positive and working over in my mind what everyone has been saying...:chopper:
  16. butterflies32

    butterflies32 Well-Known Member

    That sounds positive... She is old enough to make her own decisions so just go carefully. Just keep trying to talk to her.

  17. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Thank you Sam!!!
  18. butterflies32

    butterflies32 Well-Known Member

    Thats ok sweety. Im signing off now but You can PM me but can't promise wont get it til tomo.

    Take some time out to think and then repost as an when

    Take care

  19. hyperionxvii

    hyperionxvii Member

    I'm new to this forum and you replied to my post about my girlfriend being in critical conditioin due to a brain tumor. So, if you don't mind, I just wanted to know what happened that you are in this state? Did you lose someone close?
  20. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    My brother in law went thru two operations on his brain He is pretty much o.k. The only thing different about him is he has a shorter fuse. It doesn't take much to set him off. He's had it pretty bad. Two heartattacks, half of both lungs removed, two brain tumors.
    I hope I didn't affend you! If I did it was unintentional. No one can feel what you do. We can only be there to help support you. Please don't harm yourself! Like I said earlier she wouldn't want you to harm youself. She lives thru you...:chopper:
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