The end is nigh

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Kirsty_Ann, Jan 5, 2011.

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  1. Kirsty_Ann

    Kirsty_Ann Well-Known Member

    So, i guess i haven't posted in some time; i feel that everything is too much,
    after an awful christmas and generally still feeling like shit, i decided that today would be the day: i really don't want to die yet don't want to continue on with this crap every single day. . .
    I spoke to my psychiatric nurse today and told him that i had made plans to be confronted with the response that he thought i was playing games when in fact i just needed some support,
    I'm sick of asking for help to be confronted with a black expression and no-one helping; i wish i knew what i had done for it to be like this: i wish it was over.
    It will be soon,
    Thankyou everyone on here :)
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    well your psch nurse need to pay attention then ihear your pain and i hope you don't harm yourself okay. I hope you reach out here or to others around you so you can stay safe. Don't let others hurt you okay they are the ones that are ignorant I hear and see you and i care about you so hang on here okay
    You are not playing games you are suffering i understand hugs stay safe right call crisis line if need be
  3. NoMoneyToPlease

    NoMoneyToPlease Banned Member

    Here is that nurse you spoke to. :moon:

    Of course you need support,but to just turn around and state that as a fact makes him a very silly man indeed.

    Do you want to talk it out ?
    Or talk about it,as prosper English speakers say.
  4. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    I'm furious about this Kirsty and I think you should make an official complaint through the hospital's PALS system. This man should not be allowed near vulnerable people.
    I've been meaning to pm you to see how you are, I've been thinking about you over New Year and wondering how you were getting on
    Firstly though YOU HAVE NOT DONE ANYTHING!!!!! You are ill, suffering from a recognised illness which is classed as a disability because it's so crippling. You deserve the proper care and treatment and you don't deserve to be dismissed out of hand by some moron of a man.
    You've got to stay strong here hun. You know that these feelings will pass and you'll eventually come out of the dip. I know you want it to be over but its not going to go immediately away. Its going to take time to get well.
    You can do it though, despite the idiots in the Mental Health system.
    Go to A&E and ask for help there. You shouldn't be going through this alone.
    Sending lots of hugs and then some more
  5. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i agree with catherine can you go to the ER and ask for help there. you don't need to fight this alone. i believe you when you say you are on the verge of doing something. and i don't want that for you.
  6. Kirsty_Ann

    Kirsty_Ann Well-Known Member

    Done and finished,
    just going into my sleep now :)

    Thankyou guys
  7. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    kirsty ann please don't hurt yourself. go to the ER and let them look after you until you start to feel better. if you've taken pills please call 911 and have them take you to hospital. it's not your time.
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hey you please go to hospital now okay call crisis line now okay they will listen there they will care You did good talking to your pdoc it is not your fault she did not listen Please go get help You are cared for here please I don't want to see you harmed Call NOW okay
  9. Kirsty_Ann

    Kirsty_Ann Well-Known Member

    Sooo i tried to speak to people Wednesday so that i could put myself off doing it and no-one listened. so i overdosed again: not for someone to recognise it but instead to stop this pain on a daily basis.
    I was caught after taking 90 (ish) tablets and ignored; something i was very glad about but then woke up this morning and was kicked out.
    I ahve been hallucinating all day and blurred vision etc; then i stupidly had this thought that maybe i could do this and reach out to the support available as i knew the tablets were in my system as i had not yet been sick. I rang my psych in Durham who told me to go to hospital and then got my doctor to ring who said that if i did not go she would make me get an ambulance and a similar conversation was had with nhs direct.
    I, unfortunately went to a&e this evening and met up with the crisis team: only to be told that i was being difficult, then a nurse told me i had a low temp, blurred vision and dilated pupils and the doctor would see me to take my bloods to see how everything was: after 5 and a half hours i made the comment politely, how much longer was it going to be as i was feeling very uncomfortable and claustrophobic, to be told i wasn't that important and i would have to wait an hour to be seen then i'd have to wait for the results:
    screw this, i have turned in so many different directions to receive hurt and rejection everywhere. This is too much; think round 3 will be immanent in the next few days. . . i just wish someone would recognise it, i really do
  10. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    comments were cruel you are important but in an emergency room mentally ill comes last i have seen it okay so it was not you it is just the way emergencies are run The hospital my duaghter went to would have sitting all day waiting for a doctor while her moods elevated agitating anger and noone even checked in on her The emergency rooms are very busy and they have to take trauma victims first my twin was detained 2 days before a doctor saw her. i know it is demeaning but it is not you okay it is the system . I hope you return to crisis tell them outright if something is not done they will lose you make them hear when their ears are deaf okay. It is a fight and you are worth the fight okay you are Make them hear Kirsty Ann okay.
  11. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    I wish I was there with you Kirsty, I wouldn't have allowed them to treat you like that. Then again, a friend of mine went to A&E with her mother in tow and still waited 10 hours for treatment and her mother isn't someone you'd argue with.
    Total Eclipse is right. Mental health problems come bottom of the pile in the A&E. In fact they come bottom of the pile in the NHS generally. There's still the unspoken belief that we're just attention seeking and could pull ourselves together if we wanted to. Its shocking that that belief exists in the medical profession but it does.
    You need to contact an organisation like MIND or ReThink and ask if they can recommend anyone who will go to hospital with you and act as your advocacy. You can't do this one on your own.
    Alternately contact the hospital PALS and ask for their help.
    Please try to hang on hun, I keep telling you, the world needs you.
  12. Kirsty_Ann

    Kirsty_Ann Well-Known Member

    I really can't go back to hospital; i can't ask for the help anymore to have people look at me like i don't matter or that i'm a liar,
    i have also just been informed that the friend i stayed with yesterday and today is going back to uni tomorrow so i will have nowhere to live after tomorrow morning. Really have no idea what i'm meant to do, i wish this was over; i really do
  13. Chrizzz

    Chrizzz New Member

    Hi Kirsty Ann,

    I am sad to hear of your situation. It is a situation which I have found myself in recently.

    The thing is, as I am sure you know, when one comes to the point of really wanting to commit suicide, the truth is that whilst one doesn't want to live with any more intollerable crap, realistically there is a large part of us that says - honestly, I don't want to die really. I'm just scared of living my life as it is at this time.

    Living in a situation where you can't bear living, but ultimately you don't want to die, you just wish things in life were different and better. And every day is painful, because it brings more of the situation which you are not liking.

    I tried to explain to my nurse how severly suicidal I have become, I tried to explain that I appear to have worked out how I intended to leave this world.
    The reason I talked to my nurse is because, even though it is all far too much for me to take at the moment, part of me knows that I don't really want to die. I am scared living in this mindset and I tried to explain, because I seriously need some help. But it was as if my words were not being heard or properly understood.

    In my mind I think, what will it take before people realise how messed I am, will they only realise when I am gone?

    No person should have to feel like this and feel abandoned when they are at their lowest ebb.

    So, let me just say that my heart goes out to you and I hope that you will make it through. I am not really that concerned for my life any longer, but I still have the capacity to care about others.

    I suppose that is the biggest lesson I have learned in my life - that contrary to my initial thoughts, in reality other people are much more valuable than myself.

    I am sure that you must be a wonderful human being who is suffering and I hope that there is a way out of suffering for you. Maybe you need to be very powerful and commanding in respect of your nurse - tell them like it is and make sure they damn well listen to you before it's too late.

    I myself find it difficult to really take control with my nurse, I know that I should be hospitalized because of my mindset, but it seems that I am the only human being who understands this to be true. Very isolating and very dissapointing.

    Again, my thoughts are with you.

    I hope you find a way out of your struggles and back to a good life.
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