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The end is set into motion...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by joerevs300, Jan 13, 2010.

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  1. joerevs300

    joerevs300 New Member

    For the better part of the last 19 years, I have staved off the final act of taking my life, despite attempting through prescription drug overdose no less than 5 times.

    However, I can no longer handle the blood that is on my hands.

    Unwittingly, in my attempt to get my wife to divorce me, I committed acts that ended up ironically sealing my emotional fate. The shame and stain I feel from cheating on my wife will never be taken away.

    before you go saying "well MANY people have done the same and move on"...not many made up a story that they hadn't had sex in 10 years just to get a woman to have sex with them. And not only pulling that off with one women, but 4 different ones. This is not to mention the multiple relationships (if I was to truly count, it's probably over a dozen) that I started either online or with one of her friends, some of which ended with kissing/touching but most with just communication.

    All my life i have been the one that isn't good enough, cannot measure up, that has to work several times as hard to make it as some do naturally. in the end, I have shamed my family, my wife, my children and my country, and I can no longer deal with this shame.

    In 2006 and in 2008, I went back to my hometown with the intention of taking my life. My father had several guns in his house, and it would have been very easy. I think ultimately what stopped me was my mom. I could not bear to do that to her in her own home. But now, I simply cannot avoid it.

    Not to mention, I have been in financial purgatory for no less than my entire marriage, my wife either unable to work, unwilling to work, or not able to hold a job for more than a year. This is on top of the past 6 years, where I have basically worked two jobs, one at home (taking care of the home) and the other in my primary job.

    The closest successful attempt I had was in 2003, when I mixed no less than 10 medications. I can remember how my throat felt like it was almost closed. I guess I didn't go far enough. In 2008, I took enough Vicadin that it almost did the same thing, I can remember how light headed I was, almost in a daze. But still, I work up the next morning.

    Starting tomorrow I am going to begin journaling my entire life, anything and everything I can remember. At one point I had an 80 page journal going, but I deleted it in 2006. I will probably have the world's first suicide story.

    With my heart condition, and with the conditions my wife has, I certainly have enough powerful medication to seal the deal. And I now have decided it will happen before my 34th birthday, which is October 19th.

    I am not long for this world, but I will spend my final days doing everything and anything I can do for others, so that maybe, just maybe, even in death, people will remember the differences I made, and not the selfish act I committed.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    WRONG they will only remember the selfish act of you killing yourself and leaving your wife to even suffer more of your pain. Pills are not the way youfound that out go get help real help turn your life around and show people there is hope leave that kindness that courage for people to see when you die of a very old age.
  3. joerevs300

    joerevs300 New Member

    If that was supposed to make me feel better, it failed miserably...

    Lesson 101 on Suicide Prevention: Do not respond in an angry or judgmental manner.

    I have some of the most advanced suicide prevention training available...which made playing a "victim" very easy during the same training. Someone walked up to me and asked "that was so real, how did you do it?", little did they know it came really easily to me.

    I disagree with you 100%. You don't know my family and friends-I do. True, they would probably never understand. But I know they would choose to remember the good things about me...and would see, now that I would be gone, the true differences I made.
  4. Mortal Moon

    Mortal Moon Well-Known Member

    I agree.

    Welcome to the forum. I hope you'll stay and chat with us for a while.
  5. ryanglander

    ryanglander Well-Known Member

    You seem to answer to a higher authority and think differently then the conventional ways most suicidal people do.

    Have you ever been in the military? Police? Family in either?

    You cheated on your wife with four people. Why? You wanted to make her divorce you... I think that your problems, your depression started before you committed these acts. You weren't thinking clearly. I'm not saying you can excuse yourself from the acts, and certainly I won't ask you to move on.

    What does that mean anyway? "Move on"? That is just a short-term people use when they have no f-ing clue how to help someone. What did you learn from cheating? Have you realised the impact it had on all the individuals? I don't think anyone every truly "moves on" from something as you described, but rather "grows" each day by learning from it. By "moving on" you stop learning. So please, focus on it, and learn, why is cheating wrong? And why did you do it? Is there more reasons then the one you listed?

    <mod edit: *sparkle*: methods>. Know the risks, get the facts at snapple.com (Sorry I just beleive humor is the best medicine) :pokeball:

    Are you still with the wife you cheated on? Do you support her? Any children?

    How long have you felt this unhappy, and what things marked the beggining, of this depression and keeping you in this state?
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 14, 2010
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