For the better part of the last 19 years, I have staved off the final act of taking my life, despite attempting through prescription drug overdose no less than 5 times. However, I can no longer handle the blood that is on my hands. Unwittingly, in my attempt to get my wife to divorce me, I committed acts that ended up ironically sealing my emotional fate. The shame and stain I feel from cheating on my wife will never be taken away. before you go saying "well MANY people have done the same and move on"...not many made up a story that they hadn't had sex in 10 years just to get a woman to have sex with them. And not only pulling that off with one women, but 4 different ones. This is not to mention the multiple relationships (if I was to truly count, it's probably over a dozen) that I started either online or with one of her friends, some of which ended with kissing/touching but most with just communication. All my life i have been the one that isn't good enough, cannot measure up, that has to work several times as hard to make it as some do naturally. in the end, I have shamed my family, my wife, my children and my country, and I can no longer deal with this shame. In 2006 and in 2008, I went back to my hometown with the intention of taking my life. My father had several guns in his house, and it would have been very easy. I think ultimately what stopped me was my mom. I could not bear to do that to her in her own home. But now, I simply cannot avoid it. Not to mention, I have been in financial purgatory for no less than my entire marriage, my wife either unable to work, unwilling to work, or not able to hold a job for more than a year. This is on top of the past 6 years, where I have basically worked two jobs, one at home (taking care of the home) and the other in my primary job. The closest successful attempt I had was in 2003, when I mixed no less than 10 medications. I can remember how my throat felt like it was almost closed. I guess I didn't go far enough. In 2008, I took enough Vicadin that it almost did the same thing, I can remember how light headed I was, almost in a daze. But still, I work up the next morning. Starting tomorrow I am going to begin journaling my entire life, anything and everything I can remember. At one point I had an 80 page journal going, but I deleted it in 2006. I will probably have the world's first suicide story. With my heart condition, and with the conditions my wife has, I certainly have enough powerful medication to seal the deal. And I now have decided it will happen before my 34th birthday, which is October 19th. I am not long for this world, but I will spend my final days doing everything and anything I can do for others, so that maybe, just maybe, even in death, people will remember the differences I made, and not the selfish act I committed.