The end of laughter and soft light....

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Tarthenol, Sep 21, 2006.

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  1. Tarthenol

    Tarthenol Active Member

    Hi Folks,

    Well its all gone pete tong on this end I am due to go back into hospital again on monday but wont be going. I have made my peace with my creator and he/she understands. I am going to 'die on a high' as they say on friday night/saturday morning at a spot where me and my (ex) babe used to go, a very beautiful place close to where the Ryder cup is being held in Kildare in Ireland. Look up the venue to get an idea of the beauty of the area....

    I'm not going to go into details as to why my sudden change of heart, suffice to say its all ready to go. I have left all the relevant documentation with this person who I trust and she will see that everything is in order. She knows what I am planning and whilst is horrified, understands the reasons that I cant go on anymore. She has tried many a time to talk me out of it, but I put it to her that I can either go at a place and time of my choosing or die slowly in a hospital where I am empty.

    Theres a tree where me and my babe carved our names years ago and there is a little hollow behind it. Thats where I am going. The weather is terrible at the moment but it doesnt matter. I went there this morning for a look around and am ready. I have one or two things left to sort out but then its all go.

    The tears have dried up and a sweet calmness has descended. I was going to do it tonight but my friend has asked that I give her one last night to chat, I hope she isnt going to try and pull anything by telling but I wont be angry if she does. I dont think she will but no matter, if not this time, then it will happen sooner rather than later. I'm ready and at peace with the world. I'll miss things though, people I loved, places I've been, books I've read.....I'm not doing this purely for psychological/emotional reasons, theres a very strong medical reason too for my lack of reason to go on, hence the surrender to it.

    Thanks all for the support, if I could, I would stay around. Bless you all. I'll try to stay on for a while today to chat and maybe tomorrow but after tomorrow evening I'll be gone. I wont list my methodology here, suffice to say its going to be quick, painless (well it should be!) and hopefully I wont look too bad after, just hope the foxes dont chew at me....:wink:

    To you all, find a reason, find an answer, find hope. If I didnt have medical reasons, then I would hang on, but the life ahead of me mixed with my internal demons are too much to contemplate anymore. Life is a beautiful thing and before you throw it away think long and hard. Pain is an affirmation of life and should be treated with respect, something I did not do. Learn from your mistakes and remember the lesson.

    I am slightly exhilirated at the prospect, I never felt as I do now, so clear and calm. Its like I am seeing the world afresh and its amazing! Every sound is crystal clear and every thing is in perfect focus! Music sounds so sweet and even food has its taste again. I have a picture of my babe here with her sitting on my lap when we were younger and I will bring it with me. Shes so beautiful I wish I could share the picture with you. She has long red curly hair down her back and the most amazing eyes you ever saw, her smile is radiant and she has a face like Audrey Hepburn (I kid you not! Now do you understand why I miss her so?). She is radiant and passionate and no longer with me and I'll miss her the most of all. The last thing I will ever see on this planet shall be her smile and her eyes and I'll take them to eternity with me. I wish I could take her voice too, she talks so sweetly and sings like an angel. Maybe the angels will understand too? :smile:

    Goodbye and take care all. I messed up, it was my own fault really but its all going to OK now!

    Bon voyage people and be strong, the world is what you make it....

    Ian

    The World Is What you Make It (Paul Brady)

    I knew this African called Hannibal
    Rock it roll it send it down the avenue
    Went out to see the Roman Empire fall
    Uh huh? uh huh?

    Two thousand elephants in gold chain-mail
    Take it, shake it, make it what you wanna be
    Them Roman legionnaires they hit the trail
    Uh huh?

    The world is what you make it
    The world is what you make it

    When Cleopatra ruled in Egypt's land
    Jump down, turn around, look at what the monkey did
    She went to find herself a mighty man
    Uh huh? uh huh?

    In come Antonio from Italy
    Haul it, ball it, drag it up the pyramid,
    He never knew how hot a girl could be
    Uh huh?

    The world is what you make it
    The world is what you make it baby
    The world is what you make it

    Don't start to hit me with your "no can do "
    Bluesin', losin', workin' up an attitude
    Clean up them windows let the sun shine through
    Uh huh? uh huh?
    There ain't no happy time without no pain
    heartbreak, new date, move on up the alleyway
    Pick up them pieces hit the road again
    Uh huh?

    The world is what you make it
    The world is what you make it baby
    The world is what you make it
     
  2. babycheeses

    babycheeses Active Member

    I always look back at when I was younger and feel like it was easier and better than it was now. But then I realise the details are vague and I'm forgetting the little things: like that although my first date ever was fun her breath stunk and the movie sucked. I realised I seemed to do that every step of my life (look back and never forward).
    I guess I just always assumed things would get worse and in some ways they have. But we never really know what we've got ahead of us (even death is uncertain).

    Sometimes i think the sooner we realise we aren't responsible for everything that happens the easier it can be (hence the looking back at childhood fondly thing).
     
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    If you saw the movie, Peter Tong used his deaf state and his musical talent to help children after being a rock DJ...it turned his life around and he finally found what he was looking for, but could not find in the fast lane...I sure hope you reconsider and go to the hospital...you said that this illness also turned your life around at the time...why not see this epthany to ITS conclusion??? I do know you are in a lot of pain, and very scared, but I also know what a caring person you are...we need ppl like you here...please consider staying...big hugs, Jackie
     
  4. Tarthenol

    Tarthenol Active Member

    I would but its gotten too serious now. I couldnt live as they say I will have to after all the surgery is done. Better to go now while I am still a man.

    Sorry, I would I really would but alas, its out of my hands now and the decision has been made. Its funny but I am happy now, a little scared, but its rollercoaster fear, not that dreadful coldness I had before. Honestly wish I could stay but its no longer an option. Thanks for the kindness, I'll carry it with me. Every kind act spawns a light in infinity, I'll use the light of your kindness to carry me home where I can find a resting place. Thanks jackie, thanks everyone else. The soul is willing but the flesh alas is ruined and thus weak.

    :sad:

    So sorry....

    Ian
     
  5. Lizamy

    Lizamy New Member

    Goodbye my Friend....

    Goodbye my dear, I miss you so,
    I wish you did not have to go,
    I wish you had a reason to stay,
    I wish you gave me one more day,

    I hope you find that peace you sought,
    To make up for all the joy you brought,
    To me and mine and you and yours,

    Your soul is free to take its flight,
    I'll pray you make it every night,
    And if I go before my time,
    I ask that you will pray for mine,

    Its hard to go on, without you near,
    You always took away my fear,
    I love you, miss you my darling dear....

    For my friend Ian......1974 - 2006 AD
     
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