The End of Me

[bonbon718]

I'm at the end of my rope. I don't know what to do anymore. Talking to a counselor helped - for a while. But not anymore. I don't want to talk to any of my friends.. I feel like they've heard it all before and I can't burden them with my problems again.
I just want it all to go away. And the only way I know to make it happen is to end it

 

[Lost_Daughter]

You are reaching out for help by posting and that is good. You mentioned you tried therapy but it only helped for a while, are you currently on any medication? Maybe finding a support group where you can interact with others who have been in similar situations would work better than talking to a therapist who may not be able to relate to you on a personal level. I have found this forum to be a big help by being able to share thoughts and feelings without being judged or criticized. You get advice from people who can relate and have nothing to gain by just telling you what they think you want to hear. Best of luck to you

 

[bonbon718]

I don't know how much more talking I can do.. And as far as meds go, nothing else has worked so I'm convinced they won't either.
I am just so sick of hurting all the time.

 

[Constantinos]

I'm at the end of my rope. I don't know what to do anymore. Talking to a counselor helped - for a while. But not anymore. I don't want to talk to any of my friends.. I feel like they've heard it all before and I can't burden them with my problems again.
I just want it all to go away. And the only way I know to make it happen is to end it

I don't know how much more talking I can do.. And as far as meds go, nothing else has worked so I'm convinced they won't either.
I am just so sick of hurting all the time.

Talking helps for sure but if you don't feel that you get understanding/support from your therapist i would recommend you talk to the therapist about this - the therapist is there to hear and help you.

There are a huge number of medicine that could help you, if one medicine doesn't work don't give up - keep trying and you'll find one that will suit you.

 

[bonbon718]

Therapy stopped being helpful, so I haven't gone in a couple months, except for one crisis session.
I'm so tired of fighting for myself. Nothing I do is enough anymore.

 

[bonbon718]

This is just one more day to prove how not worth anything I am.. I don't know why I'm even still here. Life just seems so pointless.

 

[Lost_Daughter]

You are still here because your soul is not ready to give up. You know, somewhere deep inside, that things can get better and you are worth fighting for. Just because therapy didn't work before, doesn't mean it can't work. Maybe you need to try a different therapist or some group counseling. Different therapists have different approaches to therapy, and being in a group with others in similar situations may be more comforting for you. Hold on to the hope and belief deep inside of you, it may not seem like much but its kept you here so far and the more you acknowledge it the more it will grow

 

[bonbon718]

My soul might not be ready, but the rest of me is. I don't know if I can show this side of me to any more people. I just want it to stop.

 

[Constantinos]

Therapy stopped being helpful, so I haven't gone in a couple months, except for one crisis session.
I'm so tired of fighting for myself. Nothing I do is enough anymore.

Did therapy help at your crisis session?

 

[bonbon718]

Yes and no. It was helpful to talk through it, and she knew some of right questions to ask to help me understand some stuff, but overall, I didn't feel any better afterwards for a long time. I think what eventually brought me out of that episode was distracting myself with work and a couple of friends.
We just kept going over the same stuff.. and stopped making progress.

 

[ZasuArt]

Bonbon, I'm also in crisis right now, so I'm probably not the best one to give advice. But I want you to know that someone out there cares about you and hopes you survive. Sending love...:console:

 

[bonbon718]

Thank you, ZasuArt. It means so much to have someone say that, and KNOW that they mean it - especially since I've never met you.
I just read your story. It breaks my heart hearing the desperation come through your words. I'm so sorry you've been dealing with this for so long. I also am not in a position to give advice, but I do know that I've found this forum an excellent place to share the despair honestly without fear of judgement, anger, or rejection. If you ever want to share more or need to just talk through something, I will be an ear to listen and care, even if I can't offer advice. Feel free to PM me.

 

[bonbon718]

I just had my closest friend tell me she doesn't think I'm trying to get better, or that I'm being honest. She also said that it seems as though I'm pulling away and shutting down. Which maybe I am.. In a way I think she's right. I'm not getting better. I find myself sabotaging relationships and pushing others away. Am I done fighting? Am I ready to give in to the temptation?

 

[breaking]

I guess we are all here for each other. I"ve been in crisis for days. I'm here for you too.

 

[bonbon718]

Thanks. I never thought I would feel so supported here, but I do. I think it's huge to be able to talk with people who have gone/are going through similar stuff.

 

[bonbon718]

Crisis sucks. But it seems a little easier to go through with you guys. I don't know how long I'll be around, but I will keep coming here as long as I can.

 

[ZasuArt]

I just had my closest friend tell me she doesn't think I'm trying to get better, or that I'm being honest. She also said that it seems as though I'm pulling away and shutting down. Which maybe I am.. In a way I think she's right. I'm not getting better. I find myself sabotaging relationships and pushing others away. Am I done fighting? Am I ready to give in to the temptation?

Sending you the biggest hug I can muster, Bonbon... :console:
It's devistating to have someone you love and rely on dismiss your pain in that way. My partner of 12 years said the same thing to me last weekend, and gave me an ultimatum: "change", "get better"or she "can't do it anymore". She's since apologized and has been very supportive this week, but it still hurts. Because of her chronic pain, fibromyalgia and multiple surgeries, I have been her caretaker for much of our relationship. She came around when I asked her to take a moment to try to think of my depression as she thinks of her own issues with pain. Sometimes, even if we are trying our hardest to do "what we need to do", the pain is still unbearable. And sometimes the pain is so overwhelming and all-encompassing, it incapacitates us and makes us unable to do anything at all. She seemed to really "get" that, and (knock-wood) has been really understanding since. I hope your friend comes around, but if she doesn't, know that it's because of her own deficiencies, not yours. To fault you for your depression makes as much sense as faulting someone suffering from Cancer. Know this: I hear you, I care and I share your struggle. ((hugs))

 

[bonbon718]

I'm done with it all.
I'm done trying to make relationships work when the other person is no longer interested in the friendship.
I'm done fighting to be okay. No one cares if I am anyway.
I'm done with me.

 

[Constantinos]

Yes and no. It was helpful to talk through it, and she knew some of right questions to ask to help me understand some stuff, but overall, I didn't feel any better afterwards for a long time. I think what eventually brought me out of that episode was distracting myself with work and a couple of friends.
We just kept going over the same stuff.. and stopped making progress.

Ok, this indicates to me that you need to find a new therapist - i understand that this may not be any easy job however once you do this you will feel that therapy is helping you which is important.

I just had my closest friend tell me she doesn't think I'm trying to get better, or that I'm being honest. She also said that it seems as though I'm pulling away and shutting down. Which maybe I am.. In a way I think she's right. I'm not getting better. I find myself sabotaging relationships and pushing others away. Am I done fighting? Am I ready to give in to the temptation?

It is important that you can understand what you are currently doing - now the next step is to reduce sabotaging.

I have some questions for you:

1) Do you currently have a relationship?
2) How are you pushing other people away from you?

I'm done with it all.
I'm done trying to make relationships work when the other person is no longer interested in the friendship.
I'm done fighting to be okay. No one cares if I am anyway.
I'm done with me.

I am sure a lot of people do care if you are healthy - don't give up - you'll find more and better friends, you'll make stronger relationships, you just need time - time is the key to success.

 

[bonbon718]

It is important that you can understand what you are currently doing - now the next step is to reduce sabotaging.

I have some questions for you:

1) Do you currently have a relationship?
2) How are you pushing other people away from you?

No, I'm not currently in a relationship, and am content in that.
I've tried a couple different ways to push others away. My current tactic, which I didn't start doing consciously, is to try to get people mad enough at me that they are okay with me withdrawing. I've been doing it in a number of different ways.
And it seems like it finally worked.

I'm giving up on the whole friend thing. It has become glaringly clear that they no longer think I'm worth investing in and spending time with.