The end of my journey - A Sad Goodbye

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by eduardo, Apr 30, 2011.

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  1. eduardo

    eduardo Active Member

    I have been depressed for 3 years
    I went from being just sad - to be extremely afraid now. I am so afraid of the future... too much.
    I am hopeless too. And that kills too. It kills to know that I've reached the point where there's nothing good to come.

    I remember, 3 years ago I was really scared about dying because: I don't know what would happen after and I was afraid of feeling pain.

    Now, I am suffering so much that frankly, I'd rather to feel intense pain for 1 hour while< edit moderator total eclipse methods> instead of feeling this pain for so many time. I can't go on.
    Also, I am not afraid of what would happen after because I'm Atheist. In any case, I am not a thief or a murderer so I don't deserve that thing Catholics call "hell".

    I am braver now. I wrote some drafts (suicide notes) saying goodbye. The title is "The end of my journey - a sad goodbye"
    I am braver, now I have a detailed plan: step-by step what I gotta do before I die (pay my debts, write my suicide notes, pay for my funeral beforehand)

    The only things that hurts is that with different circumstances, my life would be completely different. I'd be happy like I was before.
    I learn English and Italian as second and third language just by myself. I'm not Einstein but I am intelligent. I could do so many things but now nothing will be that way.

    Music is what kept me alive during this time. So many songs: In English "Adam's Song (blink 182) is one of the songs I relate myself to... "I'm too depressed to go on, you'll be sorry when I'm gone.

    However, there is an Italian song called "Destinazione Paradiso" (Heading to Paradise) which is amazing.
    The man who composed the song (Gianluca Grignani) was going to commit suicide and he left the song as a suicide note. In the end, he didn't do it.

    Amazing song. Since I cannot leave with my favorite method (drowning - painful but quick) I will die while listening to a song. I think it will be that one.

    "A journey that is forever makes only sense without return. Without stations, without limits"

    I am not choosing death BUT freedom
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 30, 2011
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi you there is always hope okay you may not see it but it is there waiting to show itself You never know what the future will bring you just cannot see that far ahead. There will be other doors to open okay You need to reach out though and turn that knob. Call crisis line they will get you support you need to fight the depression the sadness There is always hope there is okay Keep posting here talking to us so we all can support you
    i deleted your methods as this is not allowed okay too triggering for others here. Call crisis line your doctor go to hospital and get healing okay please
     
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I hope like the writer of the song, you choose the same...I am so sorry things are so awful and know I am available...please PM me...J
     
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