The end of my rope

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by jasel, Mar 31, 2011.

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  1. jasel

    jasel New Member

    Don't know where to turn. No friends. Mounting inability to do even the simplest things to survive. Don't want to end my life, both for fear of what lies beyond and the fact that I will have left this planet having taken more than I've given back (which in my mind is a failure).

    I have a sister who, when she suspected I was suicidal, called the police, which has alienated me from her.

    If I didn't have two parrots who depend on me for their survival, I probably would have long since ended my life and left the mess behind for someone else to deal with.

    I spend almost 23 hours a day in bed, and most of my waking hours either just watching TV and living an imagined life, or bickering with some vendor over buying some unnecessary item.

    I'd like to find someone I can at least talk to in confidence, or a support group, so I am no so alone and feeling helpless.

    Please help

  2. icequeen

    icequeen Well-Known Member

    "if you give up when it's Winter
    you will miss the promise of your Spring
    the beauty of your Summer
    and the fulfilment of your Fall
    don't judge life by one difficult painful season"

    i try and read this when i am feeling particularly bad to try and get thru to me
    what others say to me...

    but suggest you try and see a doc or therapist who may be able to help you with meds or have to try everything, which is why we all ended
    here...we all know its never easy...but in reality what is.. hang on in with the rest of us....:hugtackles:
  3. Dude111

    Dude111 Well-Known Member

    Hello James,

    Im sure she was scared for her brother and only wanted to help you.. PLEASE DONT BE MAD AT HER FOR CARING......

    The world is getting very bad and pushing family away IS NOT RECOMMENDED!! (This next year i think is going to be quite a challenge)

    Peace and love to you my friend!
  4. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Your sister was probably frightened for you - and obviously cares for you. We have to be careful with depression as it can easily turn small petty incidents into lifelong silences.

    Your sleeping pattern is a classic depression type scenario. That said to be on the safe side, you need a general check up also. you never know - sometimes people get all manner of ailments which run them down and cause depression. Neighbour of mine felt 'run down' and actually had a bad heart! He felt 'low' and 'tired all the time'.

    More than likely in your case its the depression which makes you feel so tired. The danger is that that you can get used to this - and damage your health by not getting out and catching some daylight and sunlight.

    Not to mention diet and exercise.

    Medication might be the boost you need for you to be able to gather your thoughts in some order. You ought to be writing about how you feel - burn the paper afterwards or shred it. List your problems - let the dark side out and don't hold back feelings. After a while you run out of bad things to say and repeat stuff.

    Hard as it might seem, you ought to set your alarm to wake up up early tomorrow. It's Friday so we have the weekend ahead. Go through the motions of doing something 'normal', be it a trip to the shops or a walk or if you own a bicycle, that's even better as you don't have to hang about for awkward social contact. Not yet.

    Sometimes we can argue ourselves into avoiding any social contact. With depression I find the persuasive arguments are always negative. Never a cheerful moment which proves this condition and any advice 'it' gives you - is a pile of **** either way!

    You got to fight this thing. At first, when your alarm sounds, you might lie back and think 'what's the point' - but you already know there is no real 'point' in sleeping all day and night. You know inside that you deserve a little bit of joy sometimes. Well, you can catch a break my man - your overdue - but you won't get that break in bed.

    When we feel good, sleep is the 8hrs recharging we need. It feels good to sleep after a long hard day doing something. Maybe your parents garden might be a good place to start.

    I know all about this. I think everyone knows about lying in bed, not eating the right things, maybe not brushing your teeth or bothering showering or shaving. You cannot help but feel down when you get to that state.

    So, wake up early, set about making some appointment. Maybe talk to your parents or perhaps phone your sister to apologise.

    After all, you might easily have phoned the cops if your sister was suicidal.

    Medication, counselling perhaps, but the main this is that you need to try and help yourself by making the move to see a doctor or speak to parents or whoever. Don't keep it all in.

    Good luck with this. It's tough I know but life can actually become something you want to get out of bed for. All you got to do is admit you feel depressed which puts the wheels in motion. You'll be connected to people again son enough.
  5. jasel

    jasel New Member

    I appreciate the thoughts, but this is not just a low point in my life. It is the culmination of 58 years of pain.

    Most of my life I have been alone, if not physically, emotionally. I grew up in an upper middle class family, and my parents did what they thought was right to deal with my depression.

    I've been through almost every anti-depressant medication available, and seen dozens of therapists, doctors, psychiatrists.

    For almost my entire adult life, I have been addicted to marijuana. I say addicted, because I realize that it is a major contributor to my depression, yet there have been few periods where I have been able to do without it.

    I also realize that I will not survive if I continue to remain in bed and avoiding the things that most people take for granted as regular habits (eating, brushing my teeth, showering, exercising).

    But that has not been enough to break out of this situation. I came here in the hopes that someone might have some idea of what I might be able to do to interrupt this downward spiral.

    I will be 59 in a few months. My father died at 61. My mother at 65. I am a firm believer in Karma in some form or another, and I don't want to leave this life having taken or been given everything in my life and returning little or nothing.

    Maybe with Spring arriving, I'll find a way to get out do something.
  6. Dude111

    Dude111 Well-Known Member

    I understand totally how your feeling!!

    I trust and hope you will find a positive way to make things better :)
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