The End Of The End

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MisterBGone, Feb 6, 2012.

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  1. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member


    So, I just quit my job of three months about a week ago. A week that was spent primarily in the hospital, which happens to be the only place where I can see my doctor--given that he's retired from private practice--as well as the closest people to me outside of family currently: the nursing staff (how pathetic indeed!). This was the first place of employment for me in some time as I've been battling my depression pretty consistently--or professionally, from a help standpoint--for the past few years. I had things going my way, I really did! I was so very happy to be doing some thing productive in my life & actually seem as though there was a purpose to my day. But it was all a mirage, as usual. In the end I just felt that I could not trust my boss, and so I had to go. His words never quite seemed to match his actions in the moment of truth: times when he had his chance to show how he really felt about me through his actions. His interpersonal communication skills were poor; and I simply did not believe his semi-enthusiastic, almost half-hearted attempts to praise me and my work. I did every thing I could to please this man. All of my effort all of the time. I had one gear while on the clock, go! I never turned down a request to pick up a shift for some one; frequently last minute call-ins, & always made sure that I got the job done right. Because I cared. Evidently, that wasn't good enough, or he's got a funny way of showing how much my efforts meant to him. We had some thing of an exit-interview, where he spent the better part of an hour trying to persuade me to stay, but that was that. I can't work for some body who (I feel any way) lies to my face with a killer smile. It was too small a staff to just be a number there and I worked with the boss several days a week, two of those exclusively--one to one. I never felt as though I belonged there, and this is rare. Usually, I get along well with others on the job and have a very good working reputation. Most every boss I have had has greatly appreciated me personally and professionally. I suppose this is overstating. But my point is that this was treacherous chemistry for all parties involved. And now, I am devastated. Emotionally & c & c.... I had a place to go... Co-workers who were friendly.. Something to be a part of. Fuck! And now, I want to die. That's all. I don't know what any body could possibly get out of this, but I got some thing simply by expressing my pain my self.

    Thank You All.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 6, 2012
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You can go back and ask for you job back tell them your depression was interfering with your though process. He did not want you to leave so perhaps he will take you back I say what does it matter what others think but how you think of yourself. It would not do any harm to ask hun hugs
  3. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    Thanks a ton Total Eclipse! Believe it or not, that is precisely the advice one of the most trusted nurses gave me while inpatient! He basically said that sometimes you've got to swallow your pride, & I thought, I'd hate to ruin my reputation but really, what reputation do I have to ruin? I suppose it has a lot to do with the embarrassment from all the melodrama surrounding my departure. He initially told me that I could come back in a year if that's what it took to be ready again. He also suggested staying on as a back-up, but I did my best to blow-up/sabotage my name there, such that should I be so audacious as to ask for my return, he'd likely laugh in my face and take pride in my meltdown! There's another thing: he knows I had some serious prior medical issues; and he never ever stopped pressing me to give up the information on just what the diagnosis was, so I know he was discouraged by my privacy & didn't seem to want to respect that nor take a billion "no's!" for an answer. I'd probably have to tell him the truth about me and my health, but that could also be disastrous as he most certainly does have strong opinions on the matter of depression, but I haven't the slightest clue as to what they are! A fairly uncalculated risk on my part to say the least. And others would surely pass judgement should he be so good as to allow my re-employment. This would be hard, but I think you said it best with your line about the only thing that matters is what I think about myself, not others! I think that this was probably at the root of my problems during my brief tenure there. In any case, thank you very much for some very sound advice! Now I've just got to decide if I've got the will to take it! For I did make quite the fool out of myself on the way out....
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Haven't we all been there hun hell i made such of fool of me at work thought i could never return but i did. I held my head up high and just continued on as if nothing happened I know it is hard but hell we are all humans and we do make mistakes we do fall apart it is in the picking ourselves up again we show our true strengths.
    You are not a fool hun nor was i when i fell apart we were in emotional pain thats all I hope whatever you do you make the right decision for YOU okay hugs
  5. RonPSH

    RonPSH Banned Member

    :hugtackles: Yes!! We are equipped to self heal.

    We also have "intuition" which means "inner learning" to help us find answers. They come when our mind is silent which seems to be never when we are in a rut. Letting go, not trying to control life, takes a burden off of the mind but the fear of letting go stops us. Step into the fear and find out that life is life positive, that we are equipped to learn and grow and heal, that most all of our problems are created ourselves simply by not understanding life and being exploitable by belief systems that seem to offer what we don't think we can do for ourselves.

    There's nothing wrong with you that "understanding" can't fix.

  6. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    So, I asked my boss for my old job back and he said, "Thanks, but no thanks!" He claims that they already hired somebody else, and that they'll keep me in mind for future opportunities, but I have my doubts about his truth-telling capabilities, with me anyway. I got the general impression that he either made up all of those nice things he said about me during our meeting or he had a severe change of heart and mind about my eligible return and worth to the company. In any case, while initially rocked by the unfolding of events this morning, I've now come to realize that this was not the best place for me to be right now. Too much negative energy and an overall feeling or environment of never feeling welcome, wanted or better yet accepted. There was not one time where I felt like I could just relax and be myself. And above all else, as distressed and distraught as I was, there was a reason why I left. And trying to come back reminded me of that reason in a resounding fashion.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 7, 2012
  7. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    WEll now you know hun that place was not for you so time to find a place that is good for youokay one that you feel acceptance You will find a new place hun with your skill you will
  8. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    Thanks from the bottom of my Heart! I truly did need that! Any time you face rejection, particularly in a case like this--where they did a complete 180 degree turn (while I was away in the hospital no less), it doesn't feel good nor boost your spirits through the roof! I guess I just wanted to go back and try to make a bad situation better, but in reality, probably only would have made it worse over time. Because they are all the same people with the same personalities & I am still the same guy too! Thanks again, you're so good at helping people out, I admire the talent and skill you possess. You obviously care!
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