I honestly do not know what to do anymore.. What to say, that would be the right thing to say. I started college the first time in 2004. On 2006 I had a burnout and quit, got kicked out by my mother because she didn't want to have some lowlife living under her roof and leeching from her, I was 17, almost 18 by then. I went back to school in 2008 and I'm on sick vacation again.. Such a bloody failure. I'm sick of having to explain to people why I can't do it, why did I not succeed in life. I'm turning 21 and I haven't done anything worth mentioning. Just lately, it all hit home and I've been hanging on the edge for a few months now. I exist, I survive, but I do not live. I'm hiding in my home. It's too difficult to go out, even to get groceries, so I starve. The issues with my boyfriend aren't really helping. I just want out of Finland.. I can not handle living in here. Too much shit has happened to me here. And then, my psychiatrists laugh in me face, when I try to talk to them about my issues with this country and my weight. They say I don't need to worry about them and that they are not the first priority now.. Well what the fuck is then? If the issues that bother me the most are not the first priority.. They want to lock me up in a hospital again, I've spent a year in hospitals, alltogether. On and off as an outpatient. I don't want to eat the pills anymore, I hate the haze.. I know what my problems are, they're crystal clear, but the refuse to admit I could know anything because "You're still so young, you have your whole life ahead of you". How can they expect me to look forward to a life like this? My grandparents and my parents keep telling me to go to school because it is good for me, they want me to succeed. I want to succeed, but I can not do it in here. I know they can't understand it, how can they when they've never been like this. Fuck, I want an education. I want a job. But I can not just sit behind a desk, filing papers all day. If I could, I would already be doing that. I'm working so hard, to get out of here, but it always ends up with me hitting my head on a wall that will not even bend. I'm at my wits end with this. I can not do this for much longer. 20 years of struggling and trying to survive has taken it's toll and I'm all out of resources. I have no one to talk to about these things.. I've bottled it all up for way too long, and I'm scared that the cap won't hold for much longer.