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The end of the road.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Sulpicia, Mar 1, 2009.

  1. Sulpicia

    Sulpicia New Member

    I honestly do not know what to do anymore.. What to say, that would be the right thing to say.

    I started college the first time in 2004. On 2006 I had a burnout and quit, got kicked out by my mother because she didn't want to have some lowlife living under her roof and leeching from her, I was 17, almost 18 by then.

    I went back to school in 2008 and I'm on sick vacation again.. Such a bloody failure. I'm sick of having to explain to people why I can't do it, why did I not succeed in life. I'm turning 21 and I haven't done anything worth mentioning.

    Just lately, it all hit home and I've been hanging on the edge for a few months now. I exist, I survive, but I do not live. I'm hiding in my home. It's too difficult to go out, even to get groceries, so I starve.
    The issues with my boyfriend aren't really helping. I just want out of Finland..
    I can not handle living in here. Too much shit has happened to me here.
    And then, my psychiatrists laugh in me face, when I try to talk to them about my issues with this country and my weight. They say I don't need to worry about them and that they are not the first priority now..
    Well what the fuck is then? If the issues that bother me the most are not the first priority..

    They want to lock me up in a hospital again, I've spent a year in hospitals, alltogether. On and off as an outpatient. I don't want to eat the pills anymore, I hate the haze.. I know what my problems are, they're crystal clear, but the refuse to admit I could know anything because "You're still so young, you have your whole life ahead of you". How can they expect me to look forward to a life like this?

    My grandparents and my parents keep telling me to go to school because it is good for me, they want me to succeed. I want to succeed, but I can not do it in here. I know they can't understand it, how can they when they've never been like this. Fuck, I want an education. I want a job. But I can not just sit behind a desk, filing papers all day. If I could, I would already be doing that.

    I'm working so hard, to get out of here, but it always ends up with me hitting my head on a wall that will not even bend. I'm at my wits end with this. I can not do this for much longer. 20 years of struggling and trying to survive has taken it's toll and I'm all out of resources.

    I have no one to talk to about these things.. I've bottled it all up for way too long, and I'm scared that the cap won't hold for much longer.
  2. Sulpicia

    Sulpicia New Member

    Tuesday >_<
    Last night, I went over to my boyfriend's (of two years) place, gave him back his key, took my carpet and told him when he's done fucking around with his ex, he can call me. This is the last time he will take me for granted.

    Did that at around 6pm, no problem but around 10pm, I was climbing on the walls. The ex... She's ugly.. Why would he throw away everything we had, just for some stupid ex that cheated on him and left with another guy?
    I just can't get my head around that. He better bloody think about what he's done.
  3. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    20 is very young. i flunked uni at 25 and started over in a new college.
    relax. people your age at my university don't even know what major to pick yet. where are you rushing to?
  4. Sulpicia

    Sulpicia New Member

    I'm rushing out of Finland to save my life.
    Without a job nor an education, it's kinda difficult, but I have to try.
  5. wastedmylife

    wastedmylife Well-Known Member

    why do people want to leave Finland, I hear it is one of the best places to live in the world
  6. Sulpicia

    Sulpicia New Member

    Yeah, that's what you hear. But like in most cases, it's not always as it seems.
    I've had alot of stuff happen to me in here and I just want to start over.
    Mental problems are caused by yourself and thus you are lazy, you're weird if you don't get wasted on the weekends and preferrably during the week. There are no problems, because we will not admit them.

    Oh and! If you wanna kill someone, come to Finland. One guy got 3 months of counceling for killing a 15 years old girl at random. Woopidoo!
  7. wastedmylife

    wastedmylife Well-Known Member

    well Id rather live in Finland then where I live in the USA, especially after 8 years if pilage and rape by the criminal Republican party

    But I guess every country has its problems and no place is utopia, I still bet finland and most or all places in Europe are better then present day America
  8. LastCrusade

    LastCrusade Well-Known Member

    you have very low self esteem as you do not even believe in yourself. and when this happens, everything that you do, you will give up, more often than not, giving up at very early stages. Lack of self-esteem can destroy a perfectly normal person. You have got to change your mindset. Arrest the negative thoughts about yourself each time it starts to happen. You need to change your mind in order to change your world. Learn to believe in yourself and not to constantly put yourself down. Negative thoughts will eventually destroy you. Believe me. many are here today because of their negative thoughts that once starts, can be very hard to stop. It will fuel itself and eventually push you to the brink of suicide. You need to be aware of this. and I'm speaking from experience.
  9. SweetSurrender

    SweetSurrender Well-Known Member

    The unfortunate thing i've learnt is that you can't run away from your problems. It isn't possible to simply leave them behind by moving. But I understand not being able to stand the place where you live, and the bad memories. Sometimes moving away does create that break in the spiral downwards but more often than not i'm learning unless you are able to move on mentally, similar situations will reoccur and you'll have to forever be changing where you live.

    People are right you are young and you don't know everything. You can't base your impression of the future on your past, but at the same time i think it is good for you to be saying that you don't want a future similar to the last 20yrs - it is okay to say that you want more for yourself. Nothing wrong in that! I think at 20yrs you 're old enough to know what is of important to you and you have every right to expect people to respect your opinions and to make serious life choices such as your medication and the mental health care you are provided.

    Maybe, as a compromise, what would help would be some time abroad? A few months out of finland, experiencing a new culture with new people? Maybe that will provide you with the motivation you need to finish college because you won't be simply doing it to 'get an education' but you can maybe find a course that you are passionate and interested in. Beside it will give you the experience that all employers love! I couldn't do a desk job either, there are lots of jobs that don't entail that thankfully!!