The End.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lost_child, Aug 22, 2007.

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  1. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    I don't know what to do
    this thing inside in controlling me
    it takes over everything I do
    I can't ever live my life, all i do is argue

    its intruding all the time
    memories never ending
    thoughts won't stop
    the pain just won't ease

    I'm drowing in a sea on confusion
    wondering when its time to enter heaven
    give me peace from this life
    cause I can't take no more.

    Just when u think things can't get worse
    look over the shoulder its plain to see
    that this was just the start
    its content on destroying my heart.

    how can I change or move on
    when its with me everyday
    how can I see any light
    when its shadowed from moonlight

    Things won't ever ease
    I have to face the reality
    that this life was mapped
    I'm ready to be scrapped.

    I pray each nite
    let this be the last
    let me close my eyes and sleep
    and be forever no more.

    I'm ready to say goodbye
    friends, family and all.
    Life was never easy
    but I'm glad I meet u all

    Don't see this as the end
    but the beginning of something new
    I will always be with u, never far from ur side
    just remember I always loved you.
     
  2. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    to my mum.. **goodnight and I love you**

    You say u care
    you say u love
    but where was u when I needed you?
    no where, that's where.

    You knew what was happening
    but u stood back and watched
    you knew that I was hurting
    and u just added more.

    why mum, why now?
    why couldn't u tell me it would be ok
    why couldn't u say u loved me
    why couldn't u even cuddle me

    why mum, why now?
    why did it have to wait so many years
    why did it have to wait for u to move away
    why couldn't u see the hurt u caused.

    why mum, why now?
    u say ur never understand
    but u don't need to understand to care
    u don't need to understand to love

    I'm ur daughter mum
    it shouldn't have been like this
    it shouldn't have been u against me
    it shouldn't have ended like this mum.

    mum, u hurt me now u want me to forgive
    but I don't know if I can or if I ever will
    u hurt me mum, u hurt me bad
    2day cause of u, i have tears in my eyes.

    you hurt me mum, and i don't know what to do
    I don't feel to good at the minute mum
    and its hurting real bad
    all I want to do is end it right now.

    I don't want my life anymore mum
    I'm sorry if that hurts
    I'm sorry mum I can't take anymore
    I'm sorry mum, I'm sorry.
     
  3. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    my angel, my friend, my baby, my life
    I love you, and soon I will be back with you
    I miss you, I want to hold you in my arms,
    wait for me baby, I'm coming to get you.
    You were my reason, my life, my soul
    one bad night and you was nomore
    I miss you, never having held you in my arms
    I miss you, never having said the words I love you
    I miss you my angel, my friend, my baby, my life.
    hold on for one more night, cause mummy will be joining you.

    I'm losing the fight..I'm fallen fast, I shouldn't have joined SF, its not fair on people already hurting, I'm sorry...I shouldn't have joined, I should just have passed away and not joined, I'm sorry.
     
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    But you did not fade away and not join, so maybe this message of caring and support can be heard...ppl say that time heals...I think we must work to heal ... have you read Sunflower by Primo Levi?...anything I would say, he says much better...please PM me if I can be there for you...big hugs, J
     
  5. see

    see Well-Known Member

    it makes me sad that you feel so much sadness and hurt my friend it is good to let it out but please dont let it beat you.You in my heart remember and i wil always be there for you know:hug:hug:
     
  6. stayorgo

    stayorgo Member

    ok now, you told me to hang in and I expect you to do the same! I'm new here tell me what is wrong is with you, please? also know you can't enter heaven if you take your life!

     
  7. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Lost_child, I feel your sadness and pain clear in the depths of my soul. I am sorry you are feeling so despondent right now that this seems to be the best way out of it for you. Please know that there are those of us here that care for you and wish to stand behind you in your fight to survive. Do not give up. You can get through this. the pain and sadness can decrese to a level you can tolerate if it refuses to go away. As you have in the past, don't hesitate to PM me. I will get back to you as soon as I possibly can. take care and stay safe please. :hug:
     
  8. stayorgo

    stayorgo Member

    Re: to my mum.. **goodnight and I love you**

    lost child, i've been reading a lot of the post. you respond to everybody. do you know what a big help you are to all of us. we know you care and if you do something to hurt yourself who will take your place to comfort the rest of us. people are counting on YOU to be there for them. you have to be strong for yourself and us, we need you. im very sorry for how you feel! if i had a magic pill i would give each and everyone of us one. i am worried about you, i need to know you are ok. you love your mother, think about her if you leave her. don't think she will be better off without you. that if you aren't here she won't have to worry about you, because if something were to happen to you she would blame herself. she will always think she should have done something different. my mother was on pain pills about 13 years ago and attempted suicide. i was riding in front of the ambulance on the way to the hospital and the medic in the back told the drive to speed he was losing her. i felt so helpless to know she was lying back there dying and I could do anything but pray and wait. she survived and 2 years after that attempt she turned her life around and today she lives a normal happy life. well except for having to worry about me hurting myself now. I have been to an endocronologist the other day and he told me my thyroid was large and hard and this could be the reason for feeling so lifeless. he ran blood work to test my thyroid and pituitary glands. i go back sept 7 for the results. i've been reading about these 2 glands and they can destroy us. they are often diagnosed as depression and never treated correctly. I need you to be here for me. I read your responses to all and you sound so strong and caring, we need you, you have given me hope to hang in for now. if your not here to encourage the rest of us then what do we do without you? Please let me hear from you!!!!!! If I were there I would give you a big big hug!!!!!!


     
  9. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Hang in there. The responses your getting in this thread shows that people care about you.
     
  10. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    Bless ya all. I'm sorry I wish I was in a better place, a stronger place then I feel I am ~ I keep trying to write and hope that the feelings will ease, that I will wake and feel content to be awake and with the world..its just not happening.

    I've become so unattached to the real world, I don't even recongnise who I am anymore. I wear the mask which I have perfected to try and hide the feelings inside, but theirs only so much hiding and pretense that you can show the real world before they also see the cracks and the cracks are showing, I'm trying to hide my true feelings, I'm trying to hold it together, but the superglue holding the cracks together is starting to weaken.

    I just so wish someone could be here right now, hug me and tell me it will be ok, how pathetic that at my age someone would want that. I really am pathetic sorry.
     
  11. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    Inside v Outside

    People see me everyday
    smile on my face is the way.
    laughing and joking, being the fool
    Always trying to act so cool

    Inside I'm crumbling
    choking
    howling
    hurting

    I'm happy and free
    it what they believe
    I have no worries
    I like to please

    Banging
    begging
    Fighting
    Dying

    I have to hold back what I feel
    time to hide it and conceal
    No one needs to know
    I feel so low

    confusion
    burden
    stolen
    shaken

    The stories of my past are untold
    asked I laugh, I don't remember I'm too old
    People see me as so happy
    oo I am so lucky.

    anxiety
    angry
    guilty
    weary

    When a friend is needed I'm always there
    I can't see them in dispair.
    I won't let them see what's happening to me
    I laugh and joke shouting yipee.

    stupid
    hated
    unwanted
    twisted

    I hold all the feelings inside
    until the day I feel I've died
    The emotions start to show
    I'm heading for my all time low

    I feel the pain inside start to break
    I can't hide the pain as I shake
    I see movement everywhere
    I'm stuck, lost, its a nightmare

    I try to reach out, but can't hide the shame
    after all I am to blame
    So I hide back under my shell
    and promise never to tell of my hell.
     
  12. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    The words he said to me....was I a child, or was I just a caged animal.

    ************CSA content, May trigger*******************


    naked girl layin on the bed
    he tells me he loves me
    as I lay shivering and cold
    naked and broke
    twisted and turned
    shaped and posed
    hold that look
    don't dare move
    look in he's eye's
    he so pleased with me
    he loves me
    he smiles.
    my heart jumps a beat
    he really does love me
    this is love
    we are a team
    he holds me
    he cuddles me
    he loves me
    we have sex
    we kiss
    we cuddle
    we play
    we laugh
    never did I think it was wrong
    never did i think it was bad
    not once did i say no
    its not abuse, it was love.
    it hurt but nothing i'd not felt before
    i would bleed, but i had before
    he never meant to hurt me
    he just wanted to care for me.
    :cry:
     
  13. chasing_dreams

    chasing_dreams Well-Known Member

    You're not pathetic at all. I'm your age and I need that too. Might not be much but just wanted to let you know that I'm not too far away and I'm thinking of you every day :arms: xx
     
  14. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    you are NOT pathetic, what you want is exactly what we all want and need. That yearning for love is universal, you have nothing to be ashamed about, I want the same thing.
     
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