the end

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by quicksilver, Aug 7, 2010.

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  1. quicksilver

    quicksilver Member

    i have so much to say and i dont know how to say it
    i feel like a robot because i repress emotions... it started off as a self-defence mechanism now icant even help it
    ive thought about and even researched how to kill myself in the best and cleanest fashion
    i think about it every day
    some days its all i can think about
    i feel alone in crowds, i talk to no one, i just want to be alone because no one can understand
    im tired of hating myself every day
    i self medicate with weed but that only stops the actual act, the thoughts are still there the next morning
    i feel that the end is inevitable and some day i will have to cave
    because i cant take much more of this
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi quicksilver, welcome to the site.
    I'd like to ask, why do you hate yourself so much? Did something happen to cause these feelings? You're right.. smoking weed will only mask the problems, have you thought about seeing a professional?
  3. quicksilver

    quicksilver Member

    i was molested as a kid and emotionally and psychologically abused by my father throughout my childhood and teenage years
    i never learned how to deal with emotions so i bottle them up and now i just feel numb all the time
    i hate myself because of my lack of progress and inability to find a way to open up to anyone coherently
    and i've seen a counsellor but he had nothing but hollow words and a hollow smile... it was more like a grimace
    i don't care about the abusers, i dont care about 'letting them win' because they already won because they're alive and im dead inside
  4. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    take it one day at a time. dont look past now.
  5. ThinkingCap

    ThinkingCap Well-Known Member

    Are you so sure that they're alive themselves? It's a lot more difficult to see decay from the outside. Are you away from your father now? Or do you still live with him, or have contact with him? For your sake, I hope you don't. I'm a bottler too, and my emotions generally end up coming out as a nasty anger directed at nothing and everything at the same time. Journaling helps me at least, and maybe it could help you get your thoughts and emotions into words until you've had enough practice to talk about them with other people. Have you ever tried it before?

    When I was still living with my parents, I used to use music as a way to speak the unspeakable. Sure, I couldn't tell them to fuck off to their faces, but I could let Dope do it, or Rammstein, or Slipknot, or System of a Down, or any other band that I came across. I let them say what I couldn't find the words for, what I couldn't allow myself to find the words for or else I'd get in more trouble than I already was in. What kind of things have you tried before?

    What other family do you have? Friends? Anyone you can talk to, vent to, openly and freely about this? The fact that you've come here, and that you're asking for help, means that there's a lot of hope left. You can keep yourself from caving in, it's not inevitable.

  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I'm so sorry to hear that. :(

    Your therapist should change his job =/ I don't think you should give up on therapy because of one bad therapist. Give it another try, you don't have anything to lose. A good therapist should listen, not judge you, however they don't tell you what to do,give advice but they teach you how to cope and move forward. :hug:
  7. quicksilver

    quicksilver Member

    everyones just told me that its 'in my head'
    i feel like i;m under a truck, and i cant breathe
    im sick of being told this isnt real
    and im tired of life
    death is just way more fun aint it
  8. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi quicksilver. I can partly relate to your situation, because I'm really good at blocking my emotions and I think that this is a good thing. Many people are controlled by their emotions and let their emotions get the better of them. You sound like you want to be able to 'feel' happy again? Just relax and let yourself feel happiness. :hug:
  9. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    yep understand my family ex wife friends thght i was full of sht but really ya depressed and to go harm yaself go to the hosp please finnally the world is starting to get we have a mental health prob so dont be ashamed be brave and seek before it dose make ya weak dont matter what has caused death wont fix it.Please take this advice because to be able to talk again would be nice.XXXXXXXXXXX
  10. ThinkingCap

    ThinkingCap Well-Known Member

    I'm pretty sure death isn't anything, really, not fun or better or happy at all. Just nothing. Give into death, and you're obliterating yourself into nothingness-- and that can't be any better than what you have now. Don't believe the people who are saying that it's not real, or it's all in your head. They couldn't possibly know what it feels like if they believe that! Is there anyone that you can talk to that understands what you're going through? At the very least is there some place you can go to think things through, write them out, without being interrupted or judged? What you're feeling is real, and it needs to be understood in order to be let out. You can do this, you just need to try one more time. You can PM me any time if you'd like.

  11. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    Hun, killing yourself is not going to solve anything. Look for a door out of your problem, there must be one, even though you can't see it now. You can't give up. There is more to life than this.:hugtackles:
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