the end

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by tappa, Feb 23, 2011.

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  1. tappa

    tappa Well-Known Member

    So im done staying around waiting for things to get better. i try dieting and exercising but i dont follow through with it.
    If i cant handle a task like losing weight or getting fitter, how could i possibly handle helping myself out of my depression.
    I cant, clearly.
    For months and months i've been dragging myself through daily hoping that one day it will change.
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    It hasnt. not one bit.
    Theres no point in waiting anymore. I need to get myself better and im not strong enough to do that (proved by the fact i cant do simpler tasks-cant diet or exercise).
    i've sent the person i love (we're not together) an email telling them that im not worthy of them and they need to give up on me. they deserve the world and one day they'll find it :) By the time she reads it the world will be a better place.
    I cant text anyone goodbye notes because i dont want them thinking they could of done more.

    Just wanted to thank everyone on here for being great and all the best to you all

    xxx
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 23, 2011
  2. RSKS

    RSKS Active Member

    Hey tappa. I understand that you're frustrated, but the fact of the matter is that aside from quitting smoking losing weight is probably the most difficult thing you will do in your life. And in addition to this, your depression and weight aren't mutually exclusive - I'm sure the fact that you have been depressed has a huge effect on your ability to become more healthy and follow through with a program. Are you doing some things to treat the depression? In my opinion that would be the first step toward lasting weight loss.

    Don't give up. You can be successful if you want to - trust me, I've seen it a billion times. We're all here to help. Let me know if I can do anything for you.
     
  3. tappa

    tappa Well-Known Member

    Had things to treat the depression, meds meds and more meds, no meds, therapy, councilling, crisis teams, care co-ordinators.
    Nothing makes it any better.

    As for things working out, them billion people cant help me. Myself, this person writing is the only person that can get me better, and i've tried over and over so hard.

    To no avail.

    Thanks anyway
     
  4. RSKS

    RSKS Active Member

    You know, I understand that things feel relatively hopeless right now. But I've met thousands of people doing what I do for the past 15 years, and haven't encountered anyone who hasn't been able to make a change if that's what they want. I tell everyone when they first meet with me that I don't fit with everyone. Meds are meds, but therapists are all different. If one hasn't helped, you keep searching until you find the one that does. Bottom line is that you are worth it. When depressed it feels like nothing will change. When you emerge from the depression you see that this was an incorrect assumption. Things do change, people do change, you can be happy. You just can't see it right now. Just because you can't see something doesn't mean it's not there.
     
  5. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    tappa.. It's your decision.. in the end.. But.. Just you posting here right now tells me you really don't want to die. Some part.. just a small part maybe want's to live.. :hug: Things can get better.. If you cant keep yourself safe, you need to go to a hospital or emergency room. Call a crisis line.. There is only so much people here can do to help you. But there are people out there where you are who can help you a lot more then any of us can. And yes, it does take a lot of your own work, but also you sometimes need others to help you.

    Please try and get the help you need tappa. I've chatted to you a few times and you seem to be a very kind person. :hug:
     
  6. tappa

    tappa Well-Known Member

    Swift your right i dont want to die. I just dont want to live either.
    And out of the two, death is a lot easier! :)
    I've tried the reaching out to crisis teams and such dozens of times and it doesnt make anything better.
    Just reaffirms the fact that i cant be helped.

    Because it cant come from others it has to come from me
    and im not nearly strong enough

    As for what you said rsks, you were severly wrong on one point.

    Im not worth it.
     
  7. RSKS

    RSKS Active Member

    Okay, convince me then. Why are you not worth it?
     
  8. tappa

    tappa Well-Known Member

    I just not.
    Never have been never will be
    Never good enough.
     
  9. RSKS

    RSKS Active Member

    Who makes that determination, that you're not worth it?
     
  10. tappa

    tappa Well-Known Member

    me, I do....
     
  11. RSKS

    RSKS Active Member

    What if you're wrong? We've all been wrong before...
     
  12. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I know how you feel. I've been struggling for over 10 years. But there are those few priceless moments that seem to cut through all the bad stuff. Just feels like they dont happen enough.

    I always say I dont want to die but I need to. It seems the only way to completely stop all the confusion and frustration. I too have done all the professionals and the meds and coping tools they offer.

    But I agree with Swift. There is a part of you right this moment that is screaming that it wants to stick around. I understand just how tired you feel on every level. So that means that you need to rest and let others help you through this.

    Things can change. I'm not promising huge life changing events. But if you can give yourself this much needed break, and let members here help you as best we can, well you'll make it through the day. And then another. And during those days that you are surviving maybe someone will offer some advice that you havent heard or tried.

    Please keep posting. Let us help :arms:
     
  13. tappa

    tappa Well-Known Member

    I dont get any of the positive that cuts through anything. If i did i'd probably not recognise it i dont recognise positives anymore.

    As for being wrong, yea maybe i could of been wrong months ago but its hardly the first time i've felt like this.

    As for the surviving another day and hoping it will bring something.
    It wont, it never does.
    And tbh im not all that interested if it does because its not life i hate its me.
     
  14. RSKS

    RSKS Active Member

    So you don't want to end your life, you want to be different?
     
  15. tappa

    tappa Well-Known Member

    no i do want to end my life. because i hate myself and ultimately cant improve anythin so its just good :)
     
  16. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I going to assume that you found this site the way most members did. You were feeling suicidal and thought this site offered advice and methods. I know that is why I checked it out.

    You came here about 3 months ago. There has to be something that it is offering you. Maybe a place that you feel comfortable and like you belong? Maybe connected with a few other people that share in what you are experiencing. There is a need being filled.

    It's the depression that is clouding your view. Depression needs us to be negative and to see everything in a negative, to be able to hold its control over its victims. I know myself, it is easier to see negative things rather than try and deal with the unfamiliarity of postive events. I am used to be in the midst of the negative. It actually comforts me in a sense. How can anyone expect me to give up something that I have been connected to for sooooo long? And what promises can they make to replace the negative with good? I wnat others to do the work for me cuz I am so damn tired. But realistically I know it's up to me. And that is scary when we know nothing but the negative. But there is a part of you that is willing to take that chance. The depression and negativity is actually something we use to protect oursleves. It works but what we loose out on for the payback is such a huge payout.

    There is something about being on this site that works. So please keep reaching out :arms:

    Guess what I'm trying to say is that this site and the people here have kept you going for that time. Dont give up please. Keep holding on let others try to help you as they have been doing.
     
  17. tappa

    tappa Well-Known Member

    Your paragraph about how you feel comforted by negativity is spot on.

    As for reaching out on this site. Everyone here is great. and helped me to wake up another day i know.
    But it doesnt make things any better or change. so why should i keep going.
    Till im 30, 40, 50, 70, 90?
    Why?
    just out of hope?
    thats a LOT of pain for no reason
     
  18. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I know exactly what you are saying. And I know I'm being 100% hypocritical right now. I've been actively suicidal for days now. But I also want to help others lik yourself. Maybe not with any grand solutions or long term fixes. But for now just to give you some hope that someone else really understands where you are at right now.

    If someone can make even a teeny ship in the depression that has such a successful hold over you. When I was younger I never dreamed I see myself past 26. Now I'm 47 and dont see myself making to the end of another day. But I'm here. So I try my best to work on only that one thing. When I try to work on the whole picture all it reveals just how meaningless another day seems. So I try to focus on only one thing. Yes a negative thing but much easier to make it through the day rather than trying to see all of it all at once. Could you maybe pick one thing right this second that you would like to see different? Keep posting I'm here for you to lean on.
     
  19. tappa

    tappa Well-Known Member

    I dont wana feel like this wen im 50, i dont wana feel like this tomorrow.
    im not guna get any better im hopeless.
    never good enough
     
  20. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Can I assume that you are still quite young like maybe 20ish? I do know for a fact that younger people are struck with all that they will have to face in the future. And throw depression in there and the future is so glum. Who would want to see that future come true?
    But I also know that as you age, things that looked glum dont seem to be such an issue. Your priorities change and life does seem for most to be a little easier to live. That I state from experience.
    Another fact is that you are here. You're posting and letting it out. That helps too. Can you take a look inside, deep inside and find what is keeping that little flicker of hope alive? Then we can work on making it grow.
    I know I may sound like I dont understand, but hun I do. But when I'm at this site even when I feel suicidal myself like right now, I still want to see if there isnt some sort of hope another. It kind of helps to distract me. And sure tomorrow if I make it will more than likely be the same, but I'll deal with that tomorrow. Can you try that too?
     
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