the end

Hello...

So this isn't the type of thing that I really try.. but **** it here goes. I'm 20, male, secretly gay and have been absolutely in love with my best friend for the past 3 years, still see him most weekends and always chat to him. There is absolutely no way he is gay and I know that for certain. I don't come across as gay and nobody knows that I'm gay... this is actually the first time I'm even writing it down.

I don't want to be gay - I've tried stopping. I've never done anything with a guy, and have hooked up with girls. But I only masturbate to gay porn and have always done so. I hate myself with a passion and its getting to the point, well, its gotten to the point where I'm giving up. People say that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

I disagree in my instance - I'm permanently gay and I would rather be dead that be living as a gay person (I have nothing against being gay I just don't want to be gay). I know that its the most selfish and heartless thing to do - but I feel like the longer I stick around the more I am going to become attached/they're going to become attached to me. I have about three best friends all of which this is going to hurt so, so much. And that's what is holding me back.

I really don't know what to do. I've prayed and prayed that God takes me in my sleep, or closed my eyes and wished that they never opened again but here I am still hopeless, disgusting and a betrayer. I've lied to everybody my whole life and I hate who I am. This friend, it's not even lust It's really love, I suffer from shortness of breath, feel instantly happy when he is around, and think about him every single day on more than one occasion. I can't imagine life without him And I think this is going to hurt him so much.

I really just wish that I could die. I know its in mine and everybody else's best interests - the longer I'm around the closer I'll become to the people in my life and I know for certain that I am gay. I don't want to be, and must be on my way. On top of that, I'm also a coward - is there please any way of killing yourself painlessly without failure?

thanks in advance

 

Hey.. I hear you are in pain at the moment with all of this going on. However, humans can't help the way that they feel, nor can they cahnge it at all! So I think somehow you are going to try to accept it. I dont think suicide is the best option at all. I think you should confide in somebody i.e. parent or best friend. People are more accepting nowadays to gay people so they will accept this, if they dont they arent very nice people. If you are really worried about this you should seek help with a therapist of some sort to help you deal wih your emotions. *hug

 

I'm not gay but I am not that attracted to girls either. I used to though, really bad. Meaning, time could change your appetite for guys. Give time a try. Whether you start living an after life (if there is one) or whether you exist in this life, you are existing and so try to find other things that might interest you and dwell on them.