Hello...
So this isn't the type of thing that I really try.. but **** it here goes. I'm 20, male, secretly gay and have been absolutely in love with my best friend for the past 3 years, still see him most weekends and always chat to him. There is absolutely no way he is gay and I know that for certain. I don't come across as gay and nobody knows that I'm gay... this is actually the first time I'm even writing it down.
I don't want to be gay - I've tried stopping. I've never done anything with a guy, and have hooked up with girls. But I only masturbate to gay porn and have always done so. I hate myself with a passion and its getting to the point, well, its gotten to the point where I'm giving up. People say that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
I disagree in my instance - I'm permanently gay and I would rather be dead that be living as a gay person (I have nothing against being gay I just don't want to be gay). I know that its the most selfish and heartless thing to do - but I feel like the longer I stick around the more I am going to become attached/they're going to become attached to me. I have about three best friends all of which this is going to hurt so, so much. And that's what is holding me back.
I really don't know what to do. I've prayed and prayed that God takes me in my sleep, or closed my eyes and wished that they never opened again but here I am still hopeless, disgusting and a betrayer. I've lied to everybody my whole life and I hate who I am. This friend, it's not even lust It's really love, I suffer from shortness of breath, feel instantly happy when he is around, and think about him every single day on more than one occasion. I can't imagine life without him And I think this is going to hurt him so much.
I really just wish that I could die. I know its in mine and everybody else's best interests - the longer I'm around the closer I'll become to the people in my life and I know for certain that I am gay. I don't want to be, and must be on my way. On top of that, I'm also a coward - is there please any way of killing yourself painlessly without failure?
thanks in advance
So this isn't the type of thing that I really try.. but **** it here goes. I'm 20, male, secretly gay and have been absolutely in love with my best friend for the past 3 years, still see him most weekends and always chat to him. There is absolutely no way he is gay and I know that for certain. I don't come across as gay and nobody knows that I'm gay... this is actually the first time I'm even writing it down.
I don't want to be gay - I've tried stopping. I've never done anything with a guy, and have hooked up with girls. But I only masturbate to gay porn and have always done so. I hate myself with a passion and its getting to the point, well, its gotten to the point where I'm giving up. People say that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
I disagree in my instance - I'm permanently gay and I would rather be dead that be living as a gay person (I have nothing against being gay I just don't want to be gay). I know that its the most selfish and heartless thing to do - but I feel like the longer I stick around the more I am going to become attached/they're going to become attached to me. I have about three best friends all of which this is going to hurt so, so much. And that's what is holding me back.
I really don't know what to do. I've prayed and prayed that God takes me in my sleep, or closed my eyes and wished that they never opened again but here I am still hopeless, disgusting and a betrayer. I've lied to everybody my whole life and I hate who I am. This friend, it's not even lust It's really love, I suffer from shortness of breath, feel instantly happy when he is around, and think about him every single day on more than one occasion. I can't imagine life without him And I think this is going to hurt him so much.
I really just wish that I could die. I know its in mine and everybody else's best interests - the longer I'm around the closer I'll become to the people in my life and I know for certain that I am gay. I don't want to be, and must be on my way. On top of that, I'm also a coward - is there please any way of killing yourself painlessly without failure?
thanks in advance