The enemy within

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Prophet, Nov 25, 2010.

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  1. Prophet

    Prophet Well-Known Member

    I see a forum alot like a large building, we go from room to room where there are people discussing various subjects and you pull up a chair and join in.

    Darkness and sadness walks these halls, so many people whom the glories of life eluded. A testament to the disregard for life, with a blessed few trying to save so many. All trying to keep each other above water.

    I am one such soul, I have no regard for my own life and fully intend to end it as soon as I'm free of my care of duty to my mum. Trapped on this earth like a prisoner, I pray for death.

    However, if someone walked up to me right now and put a gun to my head and said I'm going to kill you, I would fight them tooth and nail to survive, I am my own worst enemy. It's a terms thing, I don't care if someone kills me but it has to be on my terms.

    I have severe self inflicted wounds and a chaotic mind, I have a doc's appointment next week to renew my sick note because of my back, MRI scan next month. The big question is, do I show him my wounds? Tell him I'm in a bad way.

    The part of me that remembers what it was like says yes, bigger parts of me say no. I'm not sure I want help, I don't want some therapist to talk and talk at me and work and work to make me accept this life because it's unacceptable. I don't want to think it's ok. I want rid of it. Yet 5 years ago version of me fights to survive, asshole, he's really getting in my way.

    So here I am, fighting the enemy within, the enemy being the one who wants to live. Once my mum goes, I go, it's getting harder and harder not to make it sooner though. I believe I keep cutting pieces of myself away, I cant take the full amount so I'll pay in instalments.

    I'm not sure how much of this made sense but thanks for reading if you took the time.
  2. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    Therapists do not try to make you accept this life. They turn it around and see the way things are, and then they help you to find ways to deal with it to bring yourself back.

    Your post made perfect sense, and I'm sure it did to many others here. I'm always available to PM if you need to talk.
  3. Prophet

    Prophet Well-Known Member

    I know exactly the way things are and I know exactly what I'm going to do about them.

    Thanks for the reply. Nice to know someone read it.
  4. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi Prophet. 'The enemy from within' as you call it, is the part of you that still wants to survive. We're all naturally programmed to survive and do whatever we can to survive. Is your life really that bad? How is your mom's health? There must be some good things about your life that are worth living for. :hug:
  5. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    I think the 'enemy within' is the real you and the one who posted that message is the illness.
    It's hard to be a carer, are you getting any support? Being a carer on top of having a mental health issue and a physical issue means that there's an awful lot going on in your life. Each individual thing is difficult to cope with, all three at once? Must be a nightmare. You need to get proper help and support for the three seperate issues.
    BTW - You're excellent at writing. Have you thought of concentrating on that? One day you might write a book which changes peoples lives and that would be worth living for. xxxx
  6. Prophet

    Prophet Well-Known Member


    My life isn't THAT bad per se at least in the grand scheme of things anyway. It's just bad enough for me that I've had enough and I want to get off the ride. I'm not well up on my mum's health, she has some sciatic trouble, blood pressure thing, nothing major.


    I'm sorry if I mislead you in my post, I'm not a carer. When I speak of a duty of care, I mean in a general family sense. Since my dad died last year, I feel I have a duty of care to my mum, it's just us living here. I have no brothers or sisters.

    Perhaps it was the illness me who wrote that post but he's running this monkey farm and he wants to go more than the one who wants to stay.

    Thanks for the compliment on my writing, I've no idea how to pursue such things. I've often thought of writing films with some ideas I've had but I have very little motivation or skill to do these things.

    Thanks for the replies, it's good to get different aspects on these things.
  7. lapazyelamor

    lapazyelamor Well-Known Member

    Hey bro i got self inflicted wounds as well im fighting the urge to do myself in before christmas i have no regard for my own life either i cant offer any advice other than to say you should tell your doctor how you feel it doesnt sound like your on any medication he might give you something to calm you down .... try reading a book or something to distract you ...all the best
  8. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    You sound like you need some motivation Prophet. Do you have any hobbies that interest you? Instead of focusing on suicide, maybe try new things that interest you?
  9. Lovecraft

    Lovecraft Well-Known Member

    I definitely know the 'enemy' you speak of and if you do ever attempt I can tell you from experience no matter what your plans are that enemy will keep fighting you. I had an attempt and although I was so happy I finally got the chance when I was ready to take the cocktail I put the cup to my mouth and... pulled it away, put it back up and pulled it away. It took a good 10 or 15 minutes to get just the slightest bit of the cocktail in my mouth. It was in for a penny in for a pound after that.

    You know what though? I'm glad I failed. I can't guarantee anything for you, but I do know that it's worth trying treatment. You should try to get treated and you should try to find a better way to live.
  10. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    I think that still makes you a carer to be honest. It might not be a full time thing but you do have to consider the needs of someone else before yourself and that is seriously hard to do at times.
    Stop letting the illness run the farm! It is possible to do, you just have to do it one tiny step at a time.
    Writing a film is a fab idea. There's loads of info on the web on how to write screenplays. You don't really need that much motivation to start. Once you're into it, it will take on a life of it's own. Ask any writer and they will tell you that they've frequently been surprised by how their characters 'take over' and seem to do the writing themselves. Plus it's a great escape valve.
    You won't have the skill until you develop it and that takes a lot of practise. Like learning the piano or something. Practise Practise Practise.
    The hardest part with screen plays is marketing them not writing them, but you cross that bridge when you get to it.
    What sort of film do you want to write? I like action movies and thrillers. Any chance we could have one of those? xxxxx
  11. Prophet

    Prophet Well-Known Member


    I used to have hobbies and interests but they have faded over the years. Nothing really interests me these days, probably because I've got one foot out the door.


    There is a doc's appointment coming up and I'm wrestling over telling him everything and seeing what he does about it. I'm glad you're getting on better after your attempt.


    I guess that's one way to look at it but it's kinda the norm around alot of aspects of my family. Very loyal to family. You do whatever is necessary to protect them and keep them safe even at the cost of your own life.

    I have a few ideas with action and paranormal stuff in mind, sick of the fruity stuff they keep doing with so called monsters. I doubt I'll pursue it though.

    Thanks again for the replies.
  12. Prophet

    Prophet Well-Known Member


    Almost a year later, a year older and deeper in debt as they say. Unfortunately I'm still alive, I must be invincible or something, it's getting stupid.

    I'm not sure how I ended up back here, I had some good chats here, made some good friends and some bad ones. I guess it's a good place to vent.

    The NHS mental health service never did return my calls. I started to talk to a local charity called Mind, they wanted to give me counselling and never called me back.

    I'm trying to keep myself busy with studies and the like, my back is still destroyed, I have 4 puncture wounds in my spine at the moment from what only seems like an attack rather than a procedure at hospital on Monday. He kept missing and hitting my spine.

    I may float around here some more, see if I can get some help. My mum is still alive and well, therefore my duty of care remains, thus I must remain until such time as that duty of care goes.
  13. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    Man, nice to see you back, I'm new here, but the beauty of these threads is that you can catch up.

    Sorry about your back, I have a herniated disc at L5-S1. The 1st cortisone injection worked like a dream and lasted for several years, the second one the doc hit the nerve and the pain was so intense I said "No more"

    Sometimes this life is just a trudge, grinding it out another day at a time. Hope to see you post again soon.

  14. Prophet

    Prophet Well-Known Member

    Hey, thanks for the reply. I didn't think I'd get anything.

    My spinal party has moved onto S1 aswell. It was just a bunch of problems at L4/L5.

    I'm getting damn sick of no help from the various mental health services I've reached out to, I'm going to call Mind again and give them 1 chance to actually call me back or I'm going to go down there and show them what happens when you ignore those who reach out. I'm sick and tired of them.
  15. BK_Jetsfan

    BK_Jetsfan Well-Known Member

    Your post made me think of this scene from Dexter, which I think is brilliant because I feel like I have my own Dark Passenger, which is my depression, which will ultimately, like you, make me end my life by my own hands:
  16. Prophet

    Prophet Well-Known Member

    Wow, that's pretty interesting. I've never seen Dexter. Dark Passenger eh? I like my one better :p
  17. Prophet

    Prophet Well-Known Member

    I'm trying to decide if I've come back here for help or to simply document the coming events.
  18. Prophet

    Prophet Well-Known Member

    Unbelievable! Today, as anyone on chat with me last night would know, I was planning to call up the charity Mind and give them a deadly ultimatum.

    I decided to run some errands first and come back to find the post has been, I got a letter from Mind inviting me to a counselling assessment! No ultimatum!

    Also, My loft ladders just fell out of the ceiling with me on them. They've been damaged for some time and we're waiting for a builder. Luckily yesterday I re-secured the rope I put on them for just such an occasion and had time to get off them. I need to change my shorts.
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