I see a forum alot like a large building, we go from room to room where there are people discussing various subjects and you pull up a chair and join in. Darkness and sadness walks these halls, so many people whom the glories of life eluded. A testament to the disregard for life, with a blessed few trying to save so many. All trying to keep each other above water. I am one such soul, I have no regard for my own life and fully intend to end it as soon as I'm free of my care of duty to my mum. Trapped on this earth like a prisoner, I pray for death. However, if someone walked up to me right now and put a gun to my head and said I'm going to kill you, I would fight them tooth and nail to survive, I am my own worst enemy. It's a terms thing, I don't care if someone kills me but it has to be on my terms. I have severe self inflicted wounds and a chaotic mind, I have a doc's appointment next week to renew my sick note because of my back, MRI scan next month. The big question is, do I show him my wounds? Tell him I'm in a bad way. The part of me that remembers what it was like says yes, bigger parts of me say no. I'm not sure I want help, I don't want some therapist to talk and talk at me and work and work to make me accept this life because it's unacceptable. I don't want to think it's ok. I want rid of it. Yet 5 years ago version of me fights to survive, asshole, he's really getting in my way. So here I am, fighting the enemy within, the enemy being the one who wants to live. Once my mum goes, I go, it's getting harder and harder not to make it sooner though. I believe I keep cutting pieces of myself away, I cant take the full amount so I'll pay in instalments. I'm not sure how much of this made sense but thanks for reading if you took the time.